General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
View Poll Results: is spying (keyloggers, fake profiles) right or wrong for any reason?
posted this on someone else thread and I felt it was worth sharing with the forum as I have not seen this thread.
I have not read all the comments on this post but have been looking at quite a few on this forum that are similar and I hope I am not alone on this and wish someone would tell me that I am WRONG!!! if you are making fake profiles installing keylogger's and spying on your spouse. YOU ARE WRONG. if you do not trust your spouse then just confront him/her and stand by your arguement, if you have jealousy issues go get professional help. if your spouse is going to cheating websites...do I really need to spell it out? so to all the people who encourage these devious tactics, grow a set and grow up.
Sometimes you need the proof before confronting an EA or PA. If you confront too soon, without proof, it can go underground and be even harder to find.
I would never endorse keyloggers, spying or invading privacy in a relationship; however, when red flags are flying high... you have to have proof or you'll go crazy wondering.
Joe,
I think your right even though my wife recieves a text msg "I miss you" from a strange # then its probably nothing, and I'm sure she will tell me she wants to sleep with another man b/c it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
Look at the poll, theres good reason for it and its naive to think otherwise IMHO.
Cheates never deny or lie, they would be cheating if they did. Adultory isn't shameful at all and there is no reason to lie about it, no one gets hurt so be truthful and it will be all good with rainbows and unicorns.
As long as you can't prove it , then it never happend right?
i never said take them at their word. but i dont think two wrongs make a right.
you find proof or you suspect an affair based on whatever facts you have, so now you make a fake profile on a cheating site and add to the population of the site! once you find it confront and put an end to it or end the relationship cause most likely your spouse is cheating.
if your spouse is getting text's from a strange number...confront your spouse, find out whats going on from your spouse. dont settle for "its nothing" an explanation is in order at that point. your spouse should prove their point, if they take it offensively and choose not to prove it, maybe thats your answer.
maybe I am naive, but I trust my spouse and she has never given me a reason not to. throughout our relationship we have both expressed actions that the other was doing and we did not like it (friendships with opposite sex that could be mistaken for something else). it did not break up any friendship but we changed the way we interacted with them for the sake of the relationship.
and to "the guy" you are extremely sarcastic and you misunderstood what i said. i hope you enjoy your rainbows and unicorns (that was sarcasm)
I do have communication problems (as do most people here)in my relationship but if something does not feel right I know I can say it without snooping or being devious. I am just amazed with how many people are spying on their spouse when it boils down to communication. i have never lied to my spouse or caught my spouse in a lie!
so to all the responses so far enjoy your snooping and devious ways, thats what works for you and thats the type of person you choose to be.
but thats my opinion and maybe I have too much faith in honesty, trust, rational and love.
I, too, once had faith in honesty, trust, rational and love... and I got burned. I got burned badly; not once, not twice, but THREE times.
Call me cynical if you will. I like to think I learned from my mistakes. I was too trusting. I was too naive.
Now, I take nothing for granted. I don't have a keylogger installed on my (shared with him) computer. I don't have a PI on speed dial. I've never made a fake profile (but that's one to remember, if I ever need it ). I do, however, limit access to the Administrator controls on the computer. I know all his passwords and all his accounts (he has mine as well).
It's not so much that I don't trust him (I've come a long way and actually do trust him again), but I know how easily deceived I am and I take precautions to protect myself.
Whats wrong with protecting your self from lies, deciet, and adultory?
Ther are no secrets in a marriage so is it really spying?
Secrets need privacy, so if there are red flags in the marriage then there are some secrets, and those secrets to de be discovered so a betrayed spouse has the confidence and vlaidation that the next step they take is accurate.
Sure you can talk to a spouse about an odd text, but will you ever get the truth? Maybe the spouse will tell you that "I love another man and he just wanted to know when we were going to have sex next" ......Ya ....sure thats the reality of it..right? No its all crap and the fact is cheaters lie and when suspicion arise you will be best served to investigate your spouses commitment and protect your self from further betrayal.
maybe I am naive, but I trust my spouse and she has never given me a reason not to.
Welcome to my world 4 months ago. Then the red flags started popping up and my was sensing some things. You can only work with "I don't know, I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel" for so long before getting proactive.
I found out my wife wasn't having an affair, but I found out some other things that were important for me to know that she lied about. I would'nt just snoop for the sake of it but when your gut says one thing and the spouse says another then you are a fool to not investigate. Though cheaters of the world would applaud your approach.
the betrayal is there when you use these tactics. of course your spouse will not come out and say "yeah you caught me, ha ha ha" but fake profiles and keyloggers to me is a violation of privacy if i want to talk to a friend, family or tam and I my wife is reading my every word, that would piss me off when all she has to do is ask. And to those where this is a reoccuring issue...common denominator? and yes I have been cheated on by a girl before but it is kinda obvious especially if you pay attention to your relationships.
i think taking those measures violates the trust. my wife knows all my passwords as well and I have never erased the history unless i was trying to suprise her with a gift.
my question has been answered and I learned that I am naive(ha ha). thanks I enjoy hearing others perspectives and i will agree to disagree
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keyloggers, fake profiles, spying? 
). I do, however, limit access to the Administrator controls on the computer. I know all his passwords and all his accounts (he has mine as well). 
