General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Have been with this girl for 9 weeks now - getting along great. We're both serious about this for long term, met the parents, friends, kids (mostly staying at ex); have the key, staying there 6 days a week. We both have good jobs. We don't cook much
SO, in NINE WEEKS you've moved from 'just met' to 'living with each other and planning marriage.'
AND, now that you're living together, she wants you to show her how 'special' she is by taking her out to dinner and entertainment most evenings. How often does SHE show YOU how 'special' YOU are by making home-cooked meals?
Only a fool goes in to marriage expecting to CHANGE somebody. It will NEVER happen. The only person YOU can change is YOU. The only person your self-centered GF can change is HERSELF. And ONLY if she WANTS to.
She's showing you NOW who she really is. She is self-centered, unrealistic about finances, and depending on YOU to be a big fat wallet! Everything you do should be about showing HER how 'special' she is. You DO KNOW that soon she will be thinking that you should show her how 'special' she is with a bigger, newer house; a better car; trips/vacations. SHE is living beyond YOUR means...and you're letting her!!!!
Don't delude yourself into thinking she will change after marriage. She won't. The demands will just get BIGGER than dinner and entertainment. So will her complaints.
I won't even get into the 'kids.' One of both of you have them and yet you eat out constantly and spend your money needlessly on entertaining yourselves. Where is the long-range planning for yourselves and the KIDS?????
You have VERY little invested in this relationship at this point. I'd advise you to get out of it and get involved with an ADULT who can think about more than impressing her girlfriends with how much she can get/how much she's ENTITLED to. If you don't, you'll learn a very long, hard, expensive lesson.
[Deep down you must KNOW this since you came to this site already concerned about this situation. Believe me, the sex can't possibly be THAT good!]
that's just crazy to me. when we were dating my hubs paid MOST of the time.. but i'd pay like every 3rd or 4th date JUST SO he would know i wasnt with him or spending time with him for a free meal. it would NEVER be a requirement for me. 2 years later making me feel special would include taking out the trash or helping with dishes or helping to cook a meal.
personally.. that's a lot to keep up with. if she's able to pay then she should at least offer! taking a trip to one of the most expensive cities in the US with someone who is too cheap to help out would strip all the fun out of that trip (get it?? haha). i'd go to vegas alone and whatever you would have spent on the little princess i'd spend on myself!!
You haven't talked about previous relationships with this woman, I trust. I have experienced that when the guy expresses bravado over the dates he paid for or the gifts he gave to other women. I learned to make the baseline for what I could expect. What else can you do?
Especially when the guy pulls back and says, oh but she was just a friend. Well,if you can treat friends that well, then that's what I want to be.
OP, you don't tell us what your financial situation is. for example, how much you take home and whether you have any dependants before you even think about showing your lady friend a nice time. I agree that those factors come into play when considering who should pay which costs for dating.
I'm going to get blasted for saying this but I'm old fashion and believe the guy should always pay.
If the guy can't afford it, then he needs to scale back his dating life style.
I raised my two daughters like that too.
If a guy can't afford to date you, make you feel special then you need to move on.
Life is to hard and if your going to fall in love, do it with someone that has some potential.
Potential to get ahead in life and not struggle financially.
You didn't come out and say this but from reading what you wrote, I'm thinking this girl is a single mom.
Single moms shouldn't pay for anything (Date wise).
They have a hard enough time making ends meet.
So you raised two individuals that will leech off another using their bodies as currency? Great job. Posted via Mobile Device
My husband always paid for everything while dating. We had some really nice dates. I did offer to pay at times, but he always refused to let me.
However, we did a lot of free activities like hiking, rock climbing, and cookout at the beach. I hate going out to eat, so we'd cook together at his house and played card or board games.
My husband also sent me flowers every Friday at work, later I found out he paid by the month. Hahaha... I no longer get any flowers.
In return, I'd buy him really nice gifts. Especially for his bday and christmas. He always opens doors for me when we are out. Still to this day my door is always opened first.
Now, he still pays for everything. I haven't worked in 11-12 years and stay home to take care of the house and kids.
My husband always paid for everything while dating. We had some really nice dates. I did offer to pay at times, but he always refused to let me.
However, we did a lot of free activities like hiking, rock climbing, and cookout at the beach. I hate going out to eat, so we'd cook together at his house and played card or board games.
My husband also sent me flowers every Friday at work, later I found out he paid by the month. Hahaha... I no longer get any flowers.
In return, I'd buy him really nice gifts. Especially for his bday and christmas. He always opens doors for me when we are out. Still to this day my door is always opened first.
Now, he still pays for everything. I haven't worked in 11-12 years and stay home to take care of the house and kids.
So you never stopped anywhere to have a drink or a snack before you made the long trek home?
And gas.....what exactly did you use to make the car go......
the reason why I put it this way is because I was in an incident in college, three couples decided to meet at the beach which was about a 3 hour drive. I agreed to drive between me and my date. and my frugal ways encouraged me to fill up the day before when I was in the burbs. My date informed just as we were arriving at the beach that he "forgot" his wallet. Hookay, I can give him 20 dollars for the day (something like that, remember it was the early 80s) and then you can pay me that back plus half the gas later on this week,I told him.
Gas, he said, what gas? I said the gas that made this car go and arrive her today. I shake my head every time I think of this moment. And mind you, he was a med student, so supposedly not just some idiot off the street.
Have been with this girl for 9 weeks now - getting along great. We're both serious about this for long term, met the parents, friends, kids (mostly staying at ex); have the key, staying there 6 days a week.
We both have good jobs. We don't cook much, we go out doing stuff and eat out quite a bit. Her point is she wants to feel special; the guy should always pay - food, drink, tickets; and always pick her up - I work and live central; she's 15 miles out of town - a 30 mile detour.
I had a scooter which she hated - so I bought a motor bike. I had an old truck mostly for offroading - broke down, and I bought a fuel-efficient new car. All good.
However, I'm all out of cash now. The melt-down happened in a restaurant, where I paid $50 for our dinners and don't remember a thank you for it. She had just paid $25 gas money for a trip we took, and pointed out she needs that cash back. We were talking about taking a trip to Vegas. I offered I can drive and book the hotel. I expect I'd be paying for food and expenses there as well, and asked if she could help by buying the tickets for the show we were interested in seeing. She said "we shouldn't go then. I should pay everything, as otherwise she wouldn't feel special. Why would I even suggest this knowing that she would not like this? It's not about money as she can very well pay for herself but doesn't want to." She pointed out all her girl-friends and former dates who agree with her. I told her she makes me feel like I'm buying myself a girl.
Any comments? How reasonable is it still to take him paying for everything all the time for granted?
So I guess her "love language" is gifts then?
It bothered me that she didn't thank you for the meal. Hubs and I thank each other when one of us pays for whatever it is - even though our money is all shared. It's just nice to have manners.
As for whether you should pay for everything or not, I guess that's for you to decide. It sounds like a smidgen of resentment is already building for you to mention the lack of thanks, the $25 she needs back, the transport scenario .....sounds to me like you need to figure out what you're comfortable with and sort this out asap, with boundaries if needed. She has money, so it's not about that. You're only 9 weeks in. Figure out what it is you want and work it out with her. It might be fine and dandy that she wants to feel "special" by you footing the bill all the time, but if you build resentment and are ending up broke, there's not going to be a whole lot of motivation (or money) left to help her feel "special".
I'm going to get blasted for saying this but I'm old fashion and believe the guy should always pay.
If the guy can't afford it, then he needs to scale back his dating life style.
I raised my two daughters like that too.
If a guy can't afford to date you, make you feel special then you need to move on.
Life is to hard and if your going to fall in love, do it with someone that has some potential.
Potential to get ahead in life and not struggle financially.
You didn't come out and say this but from reading what you wrote, I'm thinking this girl is a single mom.
Single moms shouldn't pay for anything (Date wise).
They have a hard enough time making ends meet.
I'm an old-fashioned girl and to an extent I agree with you, Dean. I think especially early on, the guy should pay.
What strikes me as a red flag for this guy is the pressure to buy a new motorcycle and a new car that she likes better to drive her around in. After less than a grand total to TWO months together. And asking him to pay her back for something she happened to spend once when they were together is just tacky.
That not 'making her feel special', that's pushing to see how much you can make someone do for you.
I'm going to get blasted for saying this but I'm old fashion and believe the guy should always pay.
If the guy can't afford it, then he needs to scale back his dating life style.
I raised my two daughters like that too.
If a guy can't afford to date you, make you feel special then you need to move on.
Life is to hard and if your going to fall in love, do it with someone that has some potential.
Potential to get ahead in life and not struggle financially.
You didn't come out and say this but from reading what you wrote, I'm thinking this girl is a single mom.
Single moms shouldn't pay for anything (Date wise).
They have a hard enough time making ends meet.
I will save most of the blast and just note that I think this is dead wrong. While I have no problem with the guy paying most of the time, the idea that a woman should expect it is simply unreasonable at best and self-absorbed at worst. It is teaching your daughters that men are money banks - his money is their money while her money is her money.
Under your sage advice, my wife and I never marry. I worked to support myself for my degree. Not a lot of money left over, so it was tough to date my wife. Yet she stepped up and paid from time to time. Fortunately, she wanted to be with me because of who I was, not because of what I could buy her. I am fortunate that I get to pass on that lesson to my son and two daughters - spending lots of money does not equal making someone feel special.
I'm just saying that a young lady needs to use every skills she has to determine what type of
man she is going out with. Does he measure up?
Measure up in everything she wants out of life.
Nothing wrong with a girl being picky and having high expectations.
This I can agree with, but it is quite different than telling them to drop the guy that can't afford to date them in a way that makes them feel special.
One is about being smart, the other is about using the guy as an ATM.
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Re: Should he pay for everything? 
