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Old 05-08-2012, 02:14 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Then the best question is how do I reinstate this already placed boundary? Do I 180 after I tell him if he doesn't seem to want to stop or change? There have been times I have felt less than respected. There have been a few occasions where he's chosen his friends over me. Or recently I have found him also lying about how he's invited to hang out with friends. He will tell me he doesn't want to go, but is to "get the off his back" but his texts show him asking if he can come over and hang out.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:16 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Also if I could get into his email on the main comp again, I found a way to make it forward certain emails from certain people.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:16 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

You state your boundary and the consequence.

If he breaks the boundary, follow through with the consequence.

By the way, what is your consequence?

And btw, you feel "less than respected" because you are. He doesn't respect you or your wishes.

How long have you been dating this stud?
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:18 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

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Then the best question is how do I reinstate this already placed boundary? Do I 180 after I tell him if he doesn't seem to want to stop or change? There have been times I have felt less than respected. There have been a few occasions where he's chosen his friends over me. Or recently I have found him also lying about how he's invited to hang out with friends. He will tell me he doesn't want to go, but is to "get the off his back" but his texts show him asking if he can come over and hang out.
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I don't see any reason or way TO reinstate it. It's been said already. Are you going to warn him over and over? I'm sorry but that is going to be an exercise in futility. You've already argued about this particular person in the past. He's transgressed more than once, and what's happened?

If you give him more of the same, you can expect that from him as well. More of the same.

He lies like a rug, and either you continue to threaten or you actually take action. It's up to you. He's tested you long enough don't you think?
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:21 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Bit does have a point. A very good one.

I guess if you really want to you can state your boundary and consequence again and tell him you are not fvcking around this time, that the choice is his.

Then follow through if he breaks it again.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:24 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

I have to say talking with you folks has made my anxiety go away now I know I'm not bonkers. I never set a consequence. It was a threat, so not taken seriously. I love him dearly and don't want to leave him, but I will not stand for contact between them. We will have been married 5 years this year. I feel more confident discussing this with him.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:24 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Also if I could get into his email on the main comp again, I found a way to make it forward certain emails from certain people.
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Print what you have and lay it in front of him. That's what I would do.

Two things could happen:

1) he would apologize... contact her in front of you to tell her to end all communications with him, and do the NC letter

2) he would get angry and turn it all on you... you shouldn't be snooping and the whole nine yards

I suspect (from what you have described about him) that he'd be all about #2.

I know what you WISH to happen, but I'm sure you know how it's going to go down when you present him with what you know. Which is why we keep saying you must enforce a consequence.

I wouldn't be with a man that lied and disrespected me. Your request wasn't unreasonable, and he not only lies about that, but other things. A man with no integrity shouldn't be attractive to you in the least.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:27 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

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I have to say talking with you folks has made my anxiety go away now I know I'm not bonkers. I never set a consequence. It was a threat, so not taken seriously. I love him dearly and don't want to leave him, but I will not stand for contact between them. We will have been married 5 years this year. I feel more confident discussing this with him.
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Glad to hear we have helped your anxiet a bit.

Yeah you are not wrong at all to tell him to stop contacting her if you feel it's a threat to your marriage. He is the one who isn't being respectful of your marriage.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:27 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

My friend said that maybe he doesn't see the problem with it, to which I replied he does as we've been through this before. I told her the advice I see on here for other posters and she doesn't seem to understand, I told her she's not married yet lol. With the phone number, at first I thought maybe it was b/c he had synched it. But he's done it plenty of time since, and didn't have an Apple compatable phone, so which leads me to believe he put it in there.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:29 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Put your foot down. It ends today... period.

I actually hate ultimatums, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Your marriage is worth it.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:33 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Print what you have and lay it in front of him. That's what I would do.

Two things could happen:

1) he would apologize... contact her in front of you to tell her to end all communications with him, and do the NC letter

2) he would get angry and turn it all on you... you shouldn't be snooping and the whole nine yards

I suspect (from what you have described about him) that he'd be all about #2.

I know what you WISH to happen, but I'm sure you know how it's going to go down when you present him with what you know. Which is why we keep saying you must enforce a consequence.

I wouldn't be with a man that lied and disrespected me. Your request wasn't unreasonable, and he not only lies about that, but other things. A man with no integrity shouldn't be attractive to you in the least.
The lying is another thing. Idk why he's doing it. Yes I get upset when he hangs out with the male friend that doesn't like me, only because I feel if he doesn't like me for whatever then my H should not allow him to be in his life. I also know this friend is a pusher of sorts. I can see him pushing my H in the wrong direction and away from me. I could see him white lying so I won't get upset, but I am. I also agree with the #2. I think its partially the reason I put off talking to him about it.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:38 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Don't be afraid to assert yourself here. You have every right to state your feelings and have them heard, just like he does. Caving and continually bending to his will only reinforces his lack of respect for you.
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:39 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Confused--can I ask who this hick is he's contacting and how does he know her? Why was communicating with her a problem in the past? Give us some background info. Also, what were the messages between them like that got your thinking...
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:42 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

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The lying is another thing. Idk why he's doing it. Yes I get upset when he hangs out with the male friend that doesn't like me, only because I feel if he doesn't like me for whatever then my H should not allow him to be in his life. I also know this friend is a pusher of sorts. I can see him pushing my H in the wrong direction and away from me. I could see him white lying so I won't get upset, but I am. I also agree with the #2. I think its partially the reason I put off talking to him about it.
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I would be the "b****" who would hang out with hubby, on occasions, with that friend regardless. We are a package deal. While occasionally hanging out alone is fine, the friends need to accept the spouse in their lives as well... period. But that's JMO
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:48 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: How would you approach this boundary?

Well, for starters he had sent her an early am text asking if she was up. I was at work during this. When I confronted him, he said he just wanted to hang out with someone and she lived close. I lost it. I told him no contact, and told her not to contact him. Well we were going through separation because we were young and wanted to make sure this is what we want. This S was after the requested NC. I found a couple of cutesey emails about how she was going to be a cat lady for Halloween and he said oh it fits you perfectly( I am a self claimed cat lady...so that bothers me more than it should.) Other emails are her 'projects'. I know the cat emails are not serious, as I said before the content was nothing wrong, just happened after I asked NC, and it feels too close to home with me.
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