General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello,
I am in need of advice on how to approach a boundary that was set before. There is a girl that I have explicitly asked him not to have contact with because of some past issues between us. There were some inappropriate boundaries crossed at the time and it gave me reason to not trust her and him alone. Well after some snooping I came across a couple of emails between them, like the kind of short flirtyish emails married couples send to each other, and they were sent/received after the time I had asked them both to please cut contact with each other. I also noticed when checking his phone, that her contact info is now in his phone, when it wasn't before. I don't see any recent contact between them in email or text, but they have mutual friends and H goes to hang with one of those mutual friends. (I do not go to this friends house as we have not gotten along after he told me that he didn't like me b/c I was "taking his friend") We have never really seen eye to eye and I choose to avoid confrontation by not going over there. So the only thing I can gather is she was there and gave it to him again, or he got it from the friend. I just need some advice, maybe chamomile tea to calm me down.
Let me say when I say flirty, it was things we would talk about. Little things, like "hey thought you'd like this" type of thing. Nothing sexual has been exchanged as far as I know. I do feel as if a brief EA exsisted, but I don't have concrete proof. I don't know how to approach the subject without causing some grief, and the possibility of a cold shoulder for the few days after.
I know I am going to talk with him about it. I know I don't want to come at him in an angry manner as it would ruin our plans we have for later in the week (cancelling will cost too much). I guess my problem is timing. I am sitting here dying with anxiety, and I want to say something as soon as we can. But I don't want to ruin his day, nor our week. Maybe the weekend is the best? My problem isn't so much the emails, those I had seen a month or so ago. I let it go because it was during a rough patch for us, and there seemed to be nothing going on. What gets at me is the number appearing in his phone recently. It wasn't there when I was last in his phone, how is it in there now, why is it in there now? I had considered getting sneakier with getting access to his cell info online, or synching the phone with our home itunes (he does the sync at work I believe).
I don't think that you should wait. Any problems in a relationship need to be dealt with promptly or they can get worse IMO.
If he is crossing boundaries, then he is (in a sense) cheating. He should not have any contact with anyone that a) you have expressed a problem with or b) doesn't treat you with respect.
If any of my friends were to get mad at my wife for "taking me away from them", they would no longer be my friend. It really is that simple.
Also, any contact with anyone, male or female, that one feels the need to hide from his or her spouse is wrong and starts to move into the affair category
I had thought of the calmly bringing it up this evening. Just approach him stating I got curious and looked, and had seen something he knew I didn't approve of. But yes, anxiety-wise my day is ruined. I had a hard time falling asleep last night too.
Unfaithful -- check. This became unfaithful especially when he found out you were against this relationship. You guys set a boundary which he has not kept. He was unfaithful to that boundary
That's the thing, when I initially told him I didn't want them to have contact, he got angry with me, even though he had asked me to not have one on one contact with past male friends and ex's. Which I respected. I never directly spoke to her, but left her a message stating to please never contact him again. She directly went against my wishes by sending him "group emails" about 'projects' she was working on. Some of them were to him only.
She directly went against my wishes by sending him "group emails" about 'projects' she was working on. Some of them were to him only.
SHE owes you nothing. Don't make this about her because it's not. I would have ignored you too if I had the green light from him because guess what? I don't care about your feelings as the other woman.
when I initially told him I didn't want them to have contact, he got angry with me, even though he had asked me to not have one on one contact with past male friends and ex's. Which I respected.
Let's examine this.
Do as I say and not as I do? That doesn't work in a relationship.
He doesn't respect you. You aren't on equal ground. Getting angry with you about something he asked from you is being quite the hypocrite isn't it? And it's also telling... the relationship with her is his priority over you.
So now you have a choice. Stay in your place (the one he put you in) or meet him where he is. Eye to eye and on equal terms.
Hello,
I am in need of advice on how to approach a boundary that was set before. There is a girl that I have explicitly asked him not to have contact with because of some past issues between us. There were some inappropriate boundaries crossed at the time and it gave me reason to not trust her and him alone.
Btw, who is this girl? Is she your husband's coworker, a friend, ex-gf, friend of a friend? Does he have to deal with her on regular basis at work etc. Is she married? What made you set the boundaries initially.. how inappropriate was it at the time?
That is exactly how I felt about it. What worries me is the contact has ended right about the time we were R. He has other email addresses that I have no access to and am worried it could have gone to those emails b/c he knows I do not have access. I will most likely sit him down and talk to him about it tonight. I have a feeling I already know the reaction and type of attitude I will get from it, that is what I need help with battling. Anytime I calmly bring my feelings up, he rolls his eyes and gets slightly defensive and just doesn't really seem to take them in regard.
She is a friend from a group of friends he is in. She dated one of his friend briefly, but has always been the guys gal pal. What made me set the boundaries is when I found some texts from him to her asking if she was up, while I was at work. I told him that it was inappropriate for him to be hanging out with her that early and alone. He didn't have a good excuse, just wanted to hang out and she lives close. Well now I wonder how close because I found something in the car that is a parking violation of sorts for a complex a few blocks away. I knew I didn't get it and asked him what it was. He got slightly defensive and said he didn't know (I still do not believe him on that).
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How would you approach this boundary? 
Re: How would you approach this boundary? 
