A Bit Much

I think the ILYBNILWY speech is the equivalent to the 'It's not you it's me'. Think Seinfeld.

Just tell the fricken truth. That's not it. And it cheapens the entire relationship and what previously has been invested.

ETA: Life isn't a soap opera or romance novel. That's where the ILYBNILWY comes from. Fantasy.

COguy

First off, yes you are being naive. You have a forum of people who have experienced exactly what you're going through telling you your wife is interested in someone else, admit that it makes sense, but you're not convinced.

Don't dwell on that, your action if she is or isn't cheating should be the same: Get your own damn life!

Stop worrying about your wife. Stop doing things for her. Stop wasting your energy on her.

The fact that you can't see yourself alone shows that you don't have the strength or self-respect to leave her even if she was cheating. That kind of attitude, especially to someone in the position of your wife who is finding more and more strength and probably talking to guys who are appearing strong, is incredibly unattractive. It makes you come off as a loser chump.

As you start to learn more about infidelity (which hopefully you start to read about), you'll see that the best way to react to situations like this is the opposite of what your natural inclination is.

The natural inclination (and what almost every guy, including me, is guilty of when they go through this), is to smother her. You become the world's best husband. Clingy, emotional, all your focus goes on the wife.

That's the exact opposite way you want to handle the situation. You want to encourage your wife to leave you, sign the papers for her. Let her know you're moving on. You're going places with or without her, it's up to her if she wants to hop on board.

This makes you appear confident, attractive, strong, she begins to question why she's leaving.

Read this thread:

Women’s Infidelity Book

Make sure you read this post specifically:

Women’s Infidelity Book

LeMont

I see what you mean, to us in our marriage it is also unacceptable to go hanging multiple times per week. Before now, she would have had a problem me going out as much and staying out late.
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Ten_year_hubby

Whether or not there is another man, you and your wife both took a vow to love each other till death do us part when you got married. A situation where one person keeps their promise and the other doesn't is not sustainable in the long term.

Not being clingy or smothering does not mean not being loving. You can be loving without being clingy even if your love is not returned. Making yourself a better person, physically and emotionally is a loving endeavor.

I'm not saying kick her out, I'm saying that she needs to decide whether to keep her vow or leave. You can't make her love you. You can do your best to shore up your side of things and try to overcome your side of the problem but ultimately it's her decision. If she wants to walk, don't stand in her way

COguy

Sorry I was in a rush to post. Yes, you need to do all this WHILE acting in a loving, respectful manner. Cool, calm, aloofness is what you are going for.

COguy

Join the club of husbands who learned about about healthy boundaries the hard way. Too late now while she's in walkaway wife mode, you'll have to wait until she decides she wants to work on the marriage (which is always an if).

Harder said than done when you are living in fear of your wife leaving you, but you need to get to the point where you are comfortable enough to voice when you are uncomfortable with something, and have the strength to follow through if she disrespects you.

For now, make sure that you are doing your fair share of going out and staying late. I know you may not WANT to get out, but make sure that at least 50% of the time, when she comes home you are not there. Even if you just go out alone and do some bullcrap activity. I started painting and going to movies myself. Go-karting, hanging out with guy friends (you need guy friends!!), shooting guns, exercising!

Do not be the loyal puppy who cries when she leaves, lays at the door mat, and then wags his pathetic tail as soon as she comes home.

What would you do if you were living on your own? That's what you need to start doing now. Start getting back your manhood. When you first started dating, you weren't a whipped, fearful chump. You had your own life, you were funny, you were strong. If she acted like a b*tch, you would have left her. Now she's treating you like crap and you're accepting it. You've lost your balls. You need to find them again.

Until you do, she's going to walk all over you. She's going to find you unattractive. She's going to be wishy washy on what she wants to do "I need more space" "I feel trapped" "I don't know what I want". She's going to be more and more interested in other guys, guys that have the characteristics that you have slowly given up over the years. The more you pine over her and act like you can't live without her, the more she is going to want to leave.

Best advice you'll ever see on this forum: "If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to walk away from it."

Tall Average Guy

Let me add a couple of other "less nice" things to the great advice above:

1. Stop doing things for her. She is not interested in meeting your needs, so pull back on what you are doing for her. Take that extra time and work on yourself (Check out No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life to get started). If she asks, be crystal clear as to why: "Since you are not interested in meeting my needs, I need to focus on myself more. That leaves me less time for other things."

2. Stand up for yourself around her. You note earlier that while she will show up for dates with you, it is clear that she does not want to be there. Next time you get that vibe, cut it short. Tell her it is clear she is not interested in being there, so you don't want to waste your time, but will be happy to get together the next time she is really interested. Then drop her off at home and go do something else. You don't have to be harsh, but you deserve to have her full attention. Use the third date rule - if she acted that way on the second date, would there have been a third? If not, the behavior is unacceptable.

growtogether

Hi,
Well, I was curious to know what you want to do about all this? You want to let her go, or you want to show her it's possible to work it out?
I'm not sure to see your position. You said that you were kind of waiting for her to make her choice...Can you do something?

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LeMont

I told her despite not really being ready to, that I was moving on. She claims that she is trying but can not help that she does not still feel in love. She wants to work it out but is not sure if it will work out. I am tired of being in limbo, regardless to the reason. I agree that I should work on me and that's my plan. I am out to dinner by myself now, I'm going to my 20th reunion next week...
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iheartlife

I don't blame you for being tired of limbo. Working on youself is always a good idea. Hope you find out something in MC; you are still going, right?

Before throwing in the towel, have her take the free 5 love languages quiz; see if it tells you anything you didn't already know
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COguy

I know it's hard but that kind of attitude is the best way to proceed. It does two things:

1. Makes you immediately more attractive to your wife. Clears up any notion that she will be able to cake eat.

2. Assuming she elects not to work on the marriage, it puts you in the best position to move on with your life.

If you pull it off right, she'll be wondering what the heck is happening and start getting frantic. When she gave you the speech, she didn't expect that YOU'D move on without HER.

LeMont

She wants to be able to run around with her friends to dinner, movies, their homes (rarely if ever our house) art fairs, concerts etc. I can never assume that she is available to me, I have to schedule a date with her, which she honors, but it does not seem natural. The biggest issue is the obvious change, she was a home body for the most part. We would go out every weekend and have fun. Now unless I plan something, she won't be available. That is the problem in a nutshell, I do not like having to schedule time with my wife! Any given day she may be out to 1am, she will tell me where she is but does not consider what I might want to do.

iheartlife

Your situation may be entirely different. I certainly concede that.

but you might find this thread of interest, from a man who also received the ILYBINILWY speech, said his wife could never possibly cheat on him, and said he didn't doubt her and so no point in investigating. He had a sad follow up to his story tonight.

On my last leg

Like I said--your case may not be anywhere near this. But this is what you will see on the forum, all the time, if you read enough threads. This is why I and others who have said similar things as I are so skeptical. Many people think it's because WE were betrayed, but my cynicism, at least, comes from reading about the many, many experiences of others.

The lost Husband

Dig it. Time to move on. I don't want her back. I need to work on me and start over.

Entropy3000

You are not her first priority. I understand the need to schedule to a point when dealing with work and family. Your kids are grown. This is about her being out a lot with her friends. I think having marriage friendly GNOs are essential. This seems way out of balance.

You can either do the 180 and cut her out of your life or possibly you should just schedule all of this time.

Get creative. Reserve Friday, Saturday and Sunday every week. If she wants to go to a certain event you can work with her on this. Trade some time.

What does she do for a living that she has so much free time for these friends?

What you list as activities sounds harmless enough.
Does getting home at 1am make sense with what the activities are? This sounds very much like a single life style. You are never part of her activities? Ever? I forget have you met these friends?

Are you sure she has not developed an EA with one of these women?
Yeah I know they are friends. We tend to have EAs with friends.

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