Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage
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Old 05-08-2012, 02:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

My wife and I have known each other since we were kids, but never were romantically involved until we both had failed marriages when we were younger. From her 1st marriage she had 2 children. I have no biological children, but became involved with her children when they were still young. Closer to present my wife began to work to finish her degree, met new friends and took advantage of an opportunity to spend 6 months abroad. When she came home, I began to notice lots of changes. She became extremely distant. I asked her about it and she only admitted that she had fallen out of love after a year of treating me obviously differently. Our children are grown and out of the house and she just wants to hang with her friends all of the time, traveling with them etc. She says that she both wants to stay in the marriage but she does not want to be tied down at the same time. After her declaration, she seems to be trying, we are going to MC for about a month. Even still for me it seems like I am waiting for her to decide to leave. I am trying to be patient, but it is really painful just waiting when she says that it is not my fault and does not know why she no longer is in love with me. What do I do????
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

Did anything happen while she was away for those six months?

I would be very suspicious

Does she keep her phone with her at all times? Is she deleting texts from it? Any other changes like new clothes, weight loss, unexplained absences?
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

Last year I went across country for 6 months for work. Since I returned, I've had a difficult time going back to the "status quo".

There is a romance about going from wife & mother to single lady that is liberating and eye opening. No arguing over stupid things (who forgot to buy more toilet paper, who didn't empty the coffee pot, who left the light on, etc.). No worrying about another person's needs. I only had to worry about myself on a daily basis. Go when I wanted to go (or stay if I wanted to stay), no one to wake me up in the morning, or keep me up at night.

During this time I grew in ways, both professionally and personally, that I hadn't dreamed of. My self-esteem rose rapidly and I was feeling good about myself. Fast forward to present. DH is nagging about this, DD's are arguing about that, dog needs out, cat needs food, car needs gas, blah blah blah. It makes me reminisce about what I had.

What would have helped me was some special attention and appreciation that I was back home. Sincere words like "Boy we missed you. No one does all that you do. Thanks for doing these things again. Yes, we did them without you, but you do them better and we're so grateful, blah blah blah." It seems cheesy, but it would have helped. Plus some romance from the DH. I needed him to show me that he really missed me...and not just for the household things, but as a partner too. I'm wanting more from him and I've not been very good about articulating it.

I don't know if this helps, but it might offer a different perspective. Good luck!
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

This is the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY) speech.

It predicts with over 90% accuracy that she has met someone else and has developed a secret relationship with them that she is not sharing with you. It is a classic thing for cheating spouses to say. She probably met someone abroad. It was a very bad idea for the two of you to be apart so long.

FYI, MC is worthless (totally worthless) with 3 people in the marriage. If she is keeping a secret relationship, she is going through the motions of "working on the marriage" but the next step, not too far from now, is for her to announce that despite "working" really, really, really hard, she still wants out. Only you will have seen for yourself that she didn't put much effort into the marriage at all, at which point you will wonder why you spent $$$$$ on an MC.

Find out if there is another person--there almost surely is. Do not confront her immediately; come back for more advice. It will take every ounce of willpower not to confront, but wait. If you exercise restraint and follow a plan, you have the best chance of saving your marriage, if that is what you want to do. Confronting early leads the disloyal spouse to hide the affair better and cut off your other methods of determining if they are communicating. So investigate your concerns and fears, confirm the worst if that is what it is, then seek more advice before taking your next steps.

I would still keep the appointment for the MC, but just go in there knowing that she is hiding her innermost thoughts from you. Maybe they will come spilling out--but if she's been keeping them to herself all this time--chances are they won't until you discover the truth on your own.

Last edited by iheartlife; 05-08-2012 at 03:52 PM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:39 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

So are these new friends of the same sex? Even if so 6 months abroad and falling out of love smells like cheating. She wants the perks of marriage but not to be tied down? Cheating.

So the obvious missing information, is she cheating? Red flags galore.

You need to do some under the radar snooping and do not let her know unless/until you discover the truth.

Learn the 180 now, for yourself.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I wish you well.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeMont View Post
My wife and I have known each other since we were kids, but never were romantically involved until we both had failed marriages when we were younger. From her 1st marriage she had 2 children. I have no biological children, but became involved with her children when they were still young. Closer to present my wife began to work to finish her degree, met new friends and took advantage of an opportunity to spend 6 months abroad. When she came home, I began to notice lots of changes. She became extremely distant. I asked her about it and she only admitted that she had fallen out of love after a year of treating me obviously differently. Our children are grown and out of the house and she just wants to hang with her friends all of the time, traveling with them etc. She says that she both wants to stay in the marriage but she does not want to be tied down at the same time. After her declaration, she seems to be trying, we are going to MC for about a month. Even still for me it seems like I am waiting for her to decide to leave. I am trying to be patient, but it is really painful just waiting when she says that it is not my fault and does not know why she no longer is in love with me. What do I do????
While she was away she went through withdrawal from you.

It is highly likely she had developed feelings for someone else. Sounds like she wants a more open marriage or just wanting to trade up.

This looks like that now that the kids are gone and she has updated her education she may be feeling like opening up her life style or doing a little hypergamy. Call it what you will, her view of her ideal man now has changed.

So yeah, who are these friends and what type of travelling are they doing together? Friends she met at school?
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-08-2012 at 05:25 PM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think my husband is the same as your wife but just staying and not telling me because of our kid. It's a horrible and lonely feeling. I feel for you.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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While she was away she went through withdrawal from you.

It is highly likely she had developed feelings for someone else. Sounds like she wants a more open marriage.
I really don't think so, we skyped or spoke on the Phone daily. Even if she did sleep with someone else, I don't believe it was serious. I have notorious received any vibes that made me believe anyone else was in the picture, but definitely a possibility. She denies that wholeheartedly. I think it is an issue of now that the kids are grown, she does not want to answer to anything or anyone.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I think my husband is the same as your wife but just staying and not telling me because of our kid. It's a horrible and lonely feeling. I feel for you.
How are you dealing with it?
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

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She denies that wholeheartedly. I think it is an issue of now that the kids are grown, she does not want to answer to anything or anyone.
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Just so you know, if someone has been in an affair (or is currently in one), denying it "wholeheartedly" is meaningless.

My husband vehemently denied being in his emotional affair for many months. He was very distant and told me he had fallen out of love with me. I discovered his affair by accident, when he left a secret email account open on our home computer.

It is possible your wife means what she says. You can choose to believe her if you want to, just be fully aware that if she is lying, you aren't going to be able to detect it, no matter how well you think you know her.

There are ways to reawaken her love for you, if for some reason it's nothing more than growing apart. The books The 5 Love Languages, His Needs / Her Needs, and Love Busters will help you reach out to her and show her in very concrete terms, in ways that she will thoroughly appreciate, how much she means to you.

If you try these methods and they still don't work, you are most likely back to square one: that odds are she is saving her heart for someone else.

Last edited by iheartlife; 05-08-2012 at 04:22 PM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Did anything happen while she was away for those six months?

I would be very suspicious

Does she keep her phone with her at all times? Is she deleting texts from it? Any other changes like new clothes, weight loss, unexplained absences?
Nothing like that at all, and trust me I looked. If something happened with another guy, I don't believe she kept feelings for him. I have no evidence and I have looked. While she was gone we skyped or talked on the phone daily.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

The vast majority of the time when someone declares that they love you but not in love with you anymore, there is someone else who helped them emotionally detach. Oh those NEW friends...any males in the group? There is also the possibility of a Mid Life Crisis. This can hit at any age, but primarily in the 40's.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Just so you know, if someone who been in an affair (or is currently in one), denying it "wholeheartedly" is meaningless.

My husband vehemently denied being in his emotional affair for many months. He was very distant and told me he had fallen out of love with me. I discovered his affair by accident, when he left a secret email account open on our home computer.

It is possible your wife means what she says. You can choose to believe her if you want to, just be fully aware that if she is lying, you aren't going to be able to detect it, no matter how well you think you know her.

There are ways to reawaken her love for you, if for some reason it's nothing more than growing apart. The books The 5 Love Languages, His Needs / Her Needs, and Love Busters will help you reach out to her and show her in very concrete terms, in ways that she will thoroughly appreciate, how much she means to you.

If you try these methods and they still don't work, you are most likely back to square one: that odds are she is saving her heart for someone else.
Thanks for your candor, but I will not act as if she has cheated and I have no evidence. I have looked at FB and emails, she often leaves her phone around she tells me where she is going and I have confirmed it at times. I still know it is possible, but I think it is not likely. Can there be other reasons to fall out of love? And thanks for the titles.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

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After her declaration, she seems to be trying, we are going to MC for about a month
This is a positive step. At least she IS trying. Keep up the MC, work on this together.

I really think her declaration is more like what NeedTLC went through. MC will help her deal with those feelings and help you to understand what's going on. Stay positive... as long as she's trying there is hope.
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has fallen out of love after 16 years of marriage

So who are these new friends and what activities does she do with them? Travels where and why?

Why would she not be travelling with you?

I mean seriously, you were nice enough to be cool with her being away for six months.

You have no children with her. Did you help support her children?

Your reward for being so understanding is that she no longer is in love with you.

If she was long distance from you six months how did she spend her spare time? Who was she with?
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-08-2012 at 04:45 PM.
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