General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Let me start by saying something so generic and make you wonder why I'm posting in the first place after I make the next statement.
My boyfriend and I have one of the BEST relationships out of people that I know. He has been married before. I moved 8 hours away from where we met, and he moved 6 months after me and now lives with me. He is ultimately the best friend I have ever had. We are a team by all means. I was working full time before he moved here. Since then, he now works full time and I only babysit on occasion. I do the housework and work on attending school full time while he supports us financially. We don't have plans to get married yet, though we do talk about it and children frequently. We're basically waiting until we are more financially stable. We have goals individually (school etc) but we ultimately have our goals that come together and form our goal, having the same outcome in life, etc. This is basically the gist of things.
Now for my question, in a few months we are going to be traveling about 15 hours to one of his best friend's weddings. The plans are not set in stone. I do not know these people yet, all I know is things that he has told me, and he truly does think these are some of the most important people so needless to say I am excited to meet them because "they are going to be in my life for a very long time" (according to the boyfriend).
So when my boyfriend had his bachelor party when he was married before, he was quite a bit younger than he is now. His friends opted for strippers, I'm not sure how it all broke down, but they stayed in a hotel and ended up paying the strippers for activities. (My boyfriend openly told me about all of this, I didn't even have any idea he had a bachelor party at the time). He told me that he got a hand job and he isn't sure what the other people did. Well one of the other people who participated in whatever activity that he participated in, this is his wedding that we are going to.
We are staying at his friend's house for the few days that we will be in town. During the bachelor party I'm going to be hanging out with the bride-to-be that I don't know as of now. The bachelor party is going to be about 45 minutes from where everyone is from, and apparently the groom and best man informed my boyfriend that they are going to be staying overnight at a hotel and coming back the next afternoon. So it comes to this: I trust my boyfriend because we have obviously built our relationship on trust and communication because we were apart for 6 months at the beginning of our relationship, neither him nor I have given the other person a reason to not trust the other. However, my boyfriend's hand job at his bachelor party makes me very uncomfortable.
We talked before and he said if there was going to be a possibility of a hotel, he would want me to show up at the end of the night and stay with him OR he would want me to come get him. I think this was incase someone decides to do the stripper thing or more realistically because he has voiced he doesn't want to be away from me too long. I want him to go and have a good time, which I voiced. Though I am VERY uncomfortable about him staying in the hotel. Should I maybe talk to him and say alright this is what I'm comfortable with, how do you feel and then we can both say what we are and aren't comfortable with, if someone or something steps out of line, he calls me at the end of the night no matter what and we can make the decision if i'm going to go pick him up?
There is your answer right there. If you say you trust him, then that's the end of the story. No dilemma. What he did at another bachelor party before you met is irrelevant if you're saying flat out that you trust your boyfriend.
He's a human being, nothing you can do will "save" him from getting a handjob, even if you pick him up and and he avoids this specific set of circumstances. He's a big boy, and if he loves you, and is worthy of that trust, he won't need you, or anyone, to swoop in and come save him from cheating on you.
So that's my advice. If he's the man you trust, then it doesn't matter.
What a turn off!!!
@Jaquen - it's not all irrelevant. If he had a hand-job at his first bachelor party then he can have it again at his second one.
I'd feel uncomfortable if I were in the OP's shoes.
I say talk to him about it. Let him know how you're feeling inside, and be open to what he has to say. If he's open with you and not defensive then my guess is that you don't have anything to worry about.
I think the fact that he was honest about what happened at the first bachelor party speaks volumes... A lot of guys wouldn't mention that to a girlfriend, knowing it *could* color her opinion of him. Obviously he trusted you with that information, which is a very positive thing.
I completely understand your position, though. I'd feel really awkward about it, trust or no trust - that feeling you feel - of wanting to protect and preserve your relationship - is a normal and natural one. He will understand this better if you are able to make statements about how YOU feel and less about what HE will or will not be doing...
I hope I've helped, and best of luck! Posted via Mobile Device
I say talk to him about it. Let him know how you're feeling inside, and be open to what he has to say. If he's open with you and not defensive then my guess is that you don't have anything to worry about.
I think the fact that he was honest about what happened at the first bachelor party speaks volumes... A lot of guys wouldn't mention that to a girlfriend, knowing it *could* color her opinion of him. Obviously he trusted you with that information, which is a very positive thing.
I completely understand your position, though. I'd feel really awkward about it, trust or no trust - that feeling you feel - of wanting to protect and preserve your relationship - is a normal and natural one. He will understand this better if you are able to make statements about how YOU feel and less about what HE will or will not be doing...
I hope I've helped, and best of luck! Posted via Mobile Device
I think you've said it best!! We have a very open line of communication. It puts my mind to ease a lot when I sit and think that at least he told me. This is insecurity is something of mine, which I need to figure out how to get away from. I know he loves me and wouldn't do anything to mess it up. I'm not one of those naive girls who say this regardless lol. I've been in a serious relationship before and it was hell. This relationship is completely opposite with so much love and companionship. When I sit here and think about it, he knows how I feel about it. He knows that if he were to do something I wouldn't approve of that he wouldn't have me anymore. Why would someone move 8 hours away from their family to be with someone and mess it up all in one night? That really makes no sense. He's given up a lot to be with me. I need to really give him more credit than I am. It's really helped to vent on here, thank you.
When I was 24 and planning my wedding, my biggest fear was my future hubby's bachelor party. I had nightmares, I started fights, I got mad at him. He never gave me a reason to think he would cheat with a stripper. We, like you and your man, were a team, best friends, and I did trust him.
But then my friends start telling stories about what they saw at other bachelor parties (at the time, ALL of my friends were men, I worked in a male dominated workplace), some men view it as one last night to screw another woman before committing to just one woman for the rest of their lives.
Truth be told, if he is going to cheat or get a hand job, he is going to do it and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. Secondly, I have heard that the strippers are just part of the party. Most of it is gambling and drinking.
What I wasn't expecting is how my bachelorette party went. THAT almost stopped the wedding. Male strippers are very bold and I was molested all night by them (I had two). They would sit naked on my lap, kiss my neck, touch my legs and whisper in my ear that they wanted me. At the end of the night, I was covered in glitter and totally grossed out. One stripper actually pulled out his d!ck so only I could see it, and asked me to play with it! I told him to get bent! Then the other stripper pounced on me and tried to get me to grab his naked butt! Needless to say, I was turned off because this party was to celebrate my upcoming wedding, not to play with hairy ballz of some dude!
If you really trust him, things will be okay. But since he admitted he got a hand job at his last party, and told you about it, that it is bad form for him to have another bachelor party with strippers . His telling you about the hand job was not a smart thing to do because it put you on high alert. Of course you are going to react and be jealous! Some information should be kept secret just for your peace of mind. Now you are going to be worried the whole night of his party and that is not fair to you at all.
You need to talk to him some more. He may ignore your feelings or tell you not to worry, but he is the one who planted the seed!!!! Why would he tell you such a thing?
What is usually the young groom's downfall is peer pressure from their drunk friends. Chanting for the bachelor to do stuff to the stripper and if he doesn't, he will look like a p*ssy. No man wants to look like a p*ssy in front of his friends.
The only thing that will make both of you feel better is if he MUST have naked women for his party, GO TO A STRIP CLUB. The women cannot be touched there. It is NOT intimate so private BJ's in the bathroom do not happen. Do you think you could talk him into that? And if he gives you that crap "I am not planning the party, my best man is." SCREW THAT. YOUR feelings are more important than some horny dude who wants to oggle chicks.
When I was 24 and planning my wedding, my biggest fear was my future hubby's bachelor party. I had nightmares, I started fights, I got mad at him. He never gave me a reason to think he would cheat with a stripper. We, like you and your man, were a team, best friends, and I did trust him.
But then my friends start telling stories about what they saw at other bachelor parties (at the time, ALL of my friends were men, I worked in a male dominated workplace), some men view it as one last night to screw another woman before committing to just one woman for the rest of their lives.
Truth be told, if he is going to cheat or get a hand job, he is going to do it and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. Secondly, I have heard that the strippers are just part of the party. Most of it is gambling and drinking.
What I wasn't expecting is how my bachelorette party went. THAT almost stopped the wedding. Male strippers are very bold and I was molested all night by them (I had two). They would sit naked on my lap, kiss my neck, touch my legs and whisper in my ear that they wanted me. At the end of the night, I was covered in glitter and totally grossed out. One stripper actually pulled out his d!ck so only I could see it, and asked me to play with it! I told him to get bent! Then the other stripper pounced on me and tried to get me to grab his naked butt! Needless to say, I was turned off because this party was to celebrate my upcoming wedding, not to play with hairy ballz of some dude!
If you really trust him, things will be okay. But since he admitted he got a hand job at his last party, and told you about it, that it is bad form for him to have another bachelor party with strippers . His telling you about the hand job was not a smart thing to do because it put you on high alert. Of course you are going to react and be jealous! Some information should be kept secret just for your peace of mind. Now you are going to be worried the whole night of his party and that is not fair to you at all.
You need to talk to him some more. He may ignore your feelings or tell you not to worry, but he is the one who planted the seed!!!! Why would he tell you such a thing?
What is usually the young groom's downfall is peer pressure from their drunk friends. Chanting for the bachelor to do stuff to the stripper and if he doesn't, he will look like a p*ssy. No man wants to look like a p*ssy in front of his friends.
The only thing that will make both of you feel better is if he MUST have naked women for his party, GO TO A STRIP CLUB. The women cannot be touched there. It is NOT intimate so private BJ's in the bathroom do not happen. Do you think you could talk him into that? And if he gives you that crap "I am not planning the party, my best man is." SCREW THAT. YOUR feelings are more important than some horny dude who wants to oggle chicks.
It's not his bachelor party, but his best friend's. The best friend was at my boyfriend's bachelor party, where the hand job occurred. That's what is making me skeptical about it. But truth be told, if he's going to do it, he's going to do it. Would he be able to look me in the eyes the day after? I absolutely do not think so. Bottom line is, I have to trust him. I have to trust that he believes in this relationship enough not to do something stupid and naive to jeopardize that in the first place, which I believe.
It's not his bachelor party, but his best friend's. The best friend was at my boyfriend's bachelor party, where the hand job occurred. That's what is making me skeptical about it. But truth be told, if he's going to do it, he's going to do it. Would he be able to look me in the eyes the day after? I absolutely do not think so. Bottom line is, I have to trust him. I have to trust that he believes in this relationship enough not to do something stupid and naive to jeopardize that in the first place, which I believe.
Trusting someone with your heart is a wonderful thing. He needs to know that if he breaks that trust, all you two have built together will be burnt to the ground.
Trusting someone with your heart is a wonderful thing. He needs to know that if he breaks that trust, all you two have built together will be burnt to the ground.
Yes, and he flat out said to me that he wouldn't do anything to lose me. I think I really needed this post to just write it out and really lay out my feelings lol.
Yes, and he flat out said to me that he wouldn't do anything to lose me. I think I really needed this post to just write it out and really lay out my feelings lol.
That is what this site is for. I am kinda a newby to this site myself, but I find getting to rant and get my feelings out there, it helps me put things in perspective and by reading other's comments, I know that I am not alone. People on TAM really do care and I am forever grateful I found TAM.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have a good and honest relationship. I personally think everything will be just fine. If he knows what he would be losing, and he does, this will just be a memory you two will look upon years from now and laugh.
What a turn off!!!
@Jaquen - it's not all irrelevant. If he had a hand-job at his first bachelor party then he can have it again at his second one.
I'd feel uncomfortable if I were in the OP's shoes.
You missed my point.
It is irrelevant if the OP's claim that she trusts her boyfriend is true.
What he did at the former bachelor party when he was not in a relationship with her is relevant IF, in fact, she does NOT trust her boyfriend.
Can't have it both ways. She either trusts him, or she doesn't. If she does, this conversation shouldn't even be happening.
Trust is one thing, but why allow yourself to be in a situation where the temptation is there? That goes for both partners. Your boyfriend has already told you he would rather not be in a hotel room with his buddies and not you. He's telling you he doesn't want to be put in a situation where he could get tempted. He's trying to make the best of a bad situation here and needs your help.
Was he dating anyone when this previous bachelor party happened?
If it were me, I'd be picking my hubby up before he went anywhere near that hotel room. ESPECIALLY given the history here. Strippers in hotel rooms giving hand jobs and who knows what else?? I'm sorry, he's not going near that. I would also make sure that somehow this future bride was made aware of this possibility.
Yikes. What was his opinion about the HJ he received during his bachelor party? He effectively cheated on his soon-to-be wife days before the wedding? Ouch.
I completely understand your concern. At the root of it, everyone else is right - there ain't a darn thing you cab do about it and you have to trust him.
However, its smart of you to be leery. I don't know why in this situation the consensus is that your BFs past is irrelevant, when in other threads I have seen people say "once a cheater, always a cheater."
I had a similar situation with my husband. Some of his friends are pretty wild and definitely wanted to push limits at their bachelor parties (idolizing movies like the hangover)
I heard stories about strippers, and one time the bachelor got arrested.
It wasn't even that I didn't trust my husband it was just that I often feel like the company you keep says a lot about who you are as a person. Why would he even want to be involved in strippers when he's committed to me and wouldn't be touching them? Why would you want to watch your friends getting HJ?? The whole thing sleeved me out and made me look at him like ew, you are not the type of person I thought you were.
I got over it. You will have to find a way to get over it too. Try to be happy for him and supportive that he has a good time. Those were the few situations where I absolutely didn't let my husband know how I really felt ans just sucked it up and a few days/weeks later I let it go. Posted via Mobile Device
The husband of a good friend of mine admitted to sleeping with a stripper at his bachelor party.
So it shouldn't surprise her now he's a cheating you know what and treats her like she's a skanky who-er. She's called me to tell me of his latest shennanigans and strange sexual requests. I just smh.
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