Young and Unhappy

funlovingnadee · 05-09-2012, 02:38 AM

I guess I am just looking for advice and might as well start from the begining. I come from a strict muslim family who forbid from dating and I did anyway. Last year I began dating my now husband in secret, eventually the relationship was brought to the attention of my parents and I was kicked out for having sex with him. I ended up living in a basement of one my husband's "friends" who hated me for 3 months during the summer, sleeping on a twin mattress on the floor. Prior to sleeping with my husband and being kicked out I found at that when we were fighting early into our relationship a person I thought was a boy turned out to be a girl. It then came out that he had been talking to her for months.. I let it go because I was in love and decided to stay with him and lose my virginity to him. Flashfoward to living in the basement and I find out from his friend that he had been calling that girl a spare tire and that he would be with her if she had not blown him off. Basically he had a secret relationship for the majority of the time we were dating. If that wasn't enough , he said I shouldn't be mad because it wasn't cheating. I was heartbroken but was stuck in a bad situation , I didn't have anywhere to go and I blew off my parents for him. I spent the whole summer crying and being angry. During the summer I started to notice that we began having violent encounters over the cheating and any other arguments we got into. I ignorned it again because of the situation I was in. At the almost end of August I began talking to my parents again who encouraged me to marry my husband. I wanted to tell them about what he had been doing , but I just couldn't. I went ahead and married him in Islamic Marriage. After we got married the relationship continued to be violent.. I told my parents and they encouraged me to leave, but I just couldn't. Around my birthday his bank statements from his bank came to our house because he closed his account and joined mine , along with his cell phone statements because of him changing to my plan. I found out that not only had there been 1 girl, there was two. He spent a month and half talking to another girl he on an online dating site and even took her on a date to a resturant and the botanic gardens. When I confronted him he told me I was crazy , he finally fessed up and blamed the whole thing on me. I was devasted and still am. I felt like our whole relationship was built on lies and he wasn't faithful to me from day one. He talked to the first girl a month after we started dating, and the second after the first one up until I slept with him and got kicked out of my house. I gave him a month to see if we could make the marriage work and in that month I caught him lying and he was violent. Now it is 9 months into the relationship and I am so unhappy. I feel trapped , angry , and embarassed. I go to school full-time and I have had the worst two semesters I have ever had. Caused by all night fighting and violence. Just last week , we got into a fight and I said a bunch of mean stuff and he proceeded to throw bottles at me bruising my arm pretty bad. This isn't the first time he has hitten me and then promised he was wrong and would never do it again. When I started crying he told me I deserved it. Everything is my fault he manuplitates every situation and blames me for all of our problems. I feel sad and hurt because of the cheating and don't know why I stay. I feel like I can't take another school year of staying up all night and fighting and being controlled. I currently don't work because he embarrassed me at work and wasn't being put on the schedule. Since I am out of school , I am just bored and in the house all the time. He controls everything I do and treats me with constant suspicion when I never cheated on him. I am 21 and I feel like I did something very stupid and I am not sure how to get out. Because of the stress and the constant fighting, I started cutting myself to deal with everything. He makes fun of me for the cutting and anything else wrong with me. He blames his crappy behavior on an ex girlfriend who treated him like crap right before he ated me. I used to believe him until we both found out she died and he went to her apartment and told the guy he caught her cheating on him with sorry. I was upset and that was another massive fight and ended in violence. I feel as if I am losing myself. I don't feel the same anymore or do anything I used to like. When I tried to talk to him he fakes like he cares but never tries to do anything. Instead he focuses on the fact that I never like to do anything with him that he likes to do. I just feel hopeless and I am grateful to any of you that have read this. Any advice would be great

thanks.

nadee

SlowlyGettingWiser · 05-09-2012, 07:26 AM

You made a mistake with this man. FORGIVE YOURSELF and move forward. Leave your husband, he will never change. He's a serial cheater and an abuser. Get a job and get your own place. Work full-time and go to school part-time as you can.

Get some counseling for yourself to deal with the abuse and the cutting. Your school undoubtedly has some counseling available for students. Look into it TODAY.

FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby · 05-09-2012, 07:43 AM

Leave this man. He will not change and things will get worse. Yes, he'll continue to find new women and cheat. His meanness will worsen over the years. Your marriage sounds like my first marriage. My ex was abusive and a serial cheater. I left and a woman moved in within 3 days of me leaving, he married her and still cheats(I know of 3 women) by him telling my daughter. Do not have children with this man and get tested for STD's.

Your husband has no respect for you. A few years later I met my husband and the last 12-13 years have been the best in my life with him. My husband now is very kind and caring. I can't imagine life without him. He raised my first daughter as his own, we had 2 more children after that. We are blessed with many nice things with the hard work my husband does for us. Plus, we never argue. Life is good now, I made a very smart choice to leave my first marriage early on.

If you stay, you'll be more miserable there then at your parents home. Your parents do want what's best for you. You'd be better off moving back home with your parents, even if it's for a short while.

Valley · 05-09-2012, 08:05 AM

Sweetie you are stuck in a rotten relationship that is toxic. It may be hard and it may be scary but you have to leave him. With a violent person the violence only escalates and intensifies. For your mental health and your physical health you need to pack up and leave.

You also need to seek treatment for your cutting. That is not healthy and you need an outlet, a sounding board. You need to heal from this destructive relationship. I wish you all the best.