Prodigal

There is some truth that we become our parents. After all, they were our role models growing up. I SWORE I would never, ever become like my mother. In many ways, I am the polar opposite; however, once in awhile I catch myself doing something and think, "OMG, that is what mom would have done!"

We all have expectations, and they can get us in trouble, particularly when we expect our spouse to behave a certain way, and they let us down by behaving in a way we find unacceptable. I hope your husband is sitting down to dinner with you at this point. The deal of hovering over the trash can while eating ... I don't know what it is about that particular behavior that makes me uneasy. So there ya go - expectations. I don't expect someone to do something like that.

Sex is an important ingredient in a marriage; kinda like the frosting on the cake that makes the cake taste even better. JMO, but I have always felt that if things are not going well outside the bedroom, there isn't going to be much action in the bedroom. I am coming from the perspective of a woman, and it's my own bias.

Getting a big bonus is something I cannot imagine not sharing with one's spouse, if only because it is exciting and pretty important. Does he share this stuff with his buddies, or does he pretty much remain tight-lipped no matter who he's around?

I was married to someone similar and, no, counseling didn't help. My husband just did not know what to do with his emotions other than suck them up and carry on. We had a very good MC, but the guy wasn't a miracle worker. Hubs would just go in there and make non-committal, vague responses. MC and I finally agreed that it would be best to just work on me. So, yeah, MC works if both parties are willing to put the effort into it.

I wish I could give you better advice. My own initial reaction to what you have posted is you sound very unhappy. I don't know if your husband would really listen to you if you told him everything you have told us here. Only you can be the judge of that.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Wife30

Maybe... but how is that fair to me... and how do I get him to come around. I can't go another 4 months like this... for him to just realize, What?? that I love him.

I have to admit, I am beginning not to care. If he wants’ to spend all his time running marathons, and eating sprouts... he is pulling away from me. I have a 3 year old, I work full time - so my weekends and evening are the times I have for family, soccer camp, swim lessons, laundry and dates with my husband. I can't always take on his interest and it feels like if I don't get interested in his things, I just don't see him. I don't want to chase my husband. I would like to be chased a little.

A Bit Much

I think he would be willing to chase you if you were FUN. What he does outside of you is fun, and to be perfectly honest, most men I know want their wives to be interested in their recreational activities. It's like #3 on the list for things that they find attractive about us.

I hate working out. Hate it with a passion. My husband on the other hand is an ex athlete, and therefore loves working out and exercising in general. I joined the gym with my husband a couple of months ago and even got myself a trainer. We go together and HE LOVES IT. Me working out is the sexiest thing to him since sliced bread.

What I'm saying again is this...if you continue to be stubborn and insist HE make an effort first, it's not going to happen. You need to give him something worth chasing.

Wife30

I have actually said pretty much everything I have said here to him at some point or another. He gets defensive and I am "SILLY"

I don’t' know if he shares with his buddies. He actually doesn't have a lot of friends, and his interactions with family are always "polite" - My family is loud, and in each others business. My brother and I talk everyday. I email my mom once a day and I have about 3 really close girlfriends.

I sometimes think he just doesn't understand, like the way he was raised... his mom is very "mousy". His dad is a bully.

Maybe he just can't. But how sad is that. I love him, I want it to work. Just not sure how to do it.

We are still working on the sitting down as a family thing for dinner. But it's better!

A Bit Much

He has to have some endearing qualities, you did marry him after all. I can't imagine they all just disappeared. What attracted you to him from the beginning?

Gaia

Ok from someone who used to fight with her own spouse alot I just have to say this. If you two can afford counseling then go for it.. if not... I would like to suggest you both try lovepong. Being pregnant with my own third child.. the stress of constant arguements among other things has apparently lead to me being put on bedrest. If he starts to get grumpy and it starts to make you anxious or upset just back off of him, leave the room, and talk at a later time when things are calmer. So much stress is NOT good for your unborn nor is it good for your body.

Wife30

Well I am 5 months pregnant right now. I can't really go on a 20mile run with him. - This is what he does for 2-3 hours EVERY Saturday. And then he hits the pool for an hour every Sunday. and the gym after work every day.

I did join the gym with him. Took some spinning classes with him - we both can't work out... WE have a kid. And I know gyms have day care, but I would then be picking my kid up from daycare to drop him at a gym daycare, to take him home and put him in bed. We both have long commutes. so I don't get home to 5:30 then pick son up - hit the gym for an hour from 6-7, home at 7:15 - bath and bed by 7:30-8pm. I have seen my son now for 30min. And I don't get to communicate with my husband at the gym, we sit side by side with each other on a bike- or a treadmill. Great. huffing a puffing. - Not the quality time I am talking about and where is sitting down to dinner as a family?

I have done the "Lets hit the gym together" thing. I am still unhappy and he feels like the ball and chain is just following him around.

Tall Average Guy

Unfortunately, you may have trained him to not chase you. Based on your tunnel vision in raising your son, I suspect you rejected him quite a lot. That can lead to resentment and withdrawing. Couple that with another on the way, and him flashing back to your previous issues, and he may not think chasing will work. Even though he is handling this poorly, it can be a real issue.

I would suggest that you take a serious look at your schedule and ask whether you really need your three year old son involved in that many activities. Consider paring them back so that you can have true family time that involves you and your husband doing things together with your son.

Finally, you need to be a bit more selfish. Do some things for yourself. You mention not being able to take 2-3 hours without there being guilt. Sorry, that is on you. You need to do that once every other week and force your husband to take your son while you do something fun and productive, whether it is take a class, enjoy a hobby or work out. Work on getting rid of some of your stress.

A Bit Much

What you describe is a man that thinks himself single and free of any obligations other than himself. He's not home to spend time with his kid either, much less you. If it's this bad, then I'm not sure if there is a solution that would work for both of you other than seperating. He sounds like he's halfway out the door anyway.

Why bother? What's in it for you? Other than grief? You can be single and be happier. You're doing everything as a single parent anyway.

Toffer

I agree. I'm 50 and married 26 years and 1 or 2 times a week is not enough for me!

A Bit Much

And for the record, at the gym we're not talking. He's in one area and I'm in another, except on the day that we swim. That we do side by side, but theres no talking really. We talk mostly on the way to and from the club.

To us, this is quality time, my quality time (the talking) and his shared recreational time all balled up into one. And we don't go every day. Friday or Saturday nights, it's date night. We do dinner or go to the movies. Sunday is a whatever we want to do day.

Ok now I'm probably going to get grief for saying this, and it's generalizing so I'm saying that in advance...

Women (I find) have a truly hard time balancing kids and husbands and their 'me' time and making them all work. Not all women of course, but most. Men don't have a problem with taking time to themselves and not feeling guilt behind it. But be honest, nobody has died because Daddy was playing golf or whatever. Taking advantage of close friends and play groups and sitter can SAVE marriages. But women want to control everything. They want to be the center of every aspect of their family and they forget before they had the kids, they were a wife and lover.

It's all about balance.

Verushkita

Do you love him? Do you want to help him better understand you and you him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this men because you believe, he is deep down inside the same fantastic man he was back when you fell in love with him? Or is he emotionally gone already?

Most men need sex to feel they are desired, wanted, needed (yes all those adjectives mean the same thing). For most woman, they want to feel cared for, thought of, treated "special".

And yes I understand that some men, want and crave attention and affection more than sex (or chore sex). While some woman are giving everything but the man is withholding sex for whatever reason and they are left to feel insecure and/or undesired, even though they guy does and says all the right things.

Things are not so black and white. And since you guys are not communicating, or open to communication because all the two of you can think is "well this is not working because ______ (fill in the blank with everything you find wrong with him/her)". So lot's of people say, "I'm trying to communicate but it turns bad". Is it because in that communication you are telling him how terrible he is, how he is the problem, how it's his fault you go to bed crying?

If you want to work things out with your man, you should tell him, when you are in a good space mentally and emotionally. Maybe after your son does something cute or your little baby girl kicks when she hears your voice. When you are in a good state of mind, say, I feel really lucky that we are parents. That we have roof over our heads, that we both have jobs, and even though it may not seem like it right now " because we have eachother".

Tell him, humbly, that you see both of you (again, very important to use "we" and "us") going down the wrong path, and you are worried, really worried, and that you feel like you both have make some adjustments before you end up beyond repair. Tell him, you know that you are messy and that if it makes him happy, that you will try your best to pick up after yourself and not leave it for later. Tell him, that maybe you will get a cleaning lady to clean the house once a week or every two weeks. For me, a clean house, makes for a happy "me". Tell him, that you want him to continue to work out, and that maybe you'll find a hobby. Tell him nicely that you will take an hour for yourself to go sit down in a coffehouse and read a book or look through a magazine and he can spend quality time with your son. Do you trust him to be with your son, maybe he feels that you don't? I didn't at first, because I thought I did everything better. Tell him that you are willing to put your 50% and that you want him to put forth his 50%.

Again you have to make your decision and sway your behavior to get what you want, him to feel that you are not the enemy, that you are on his side, that you love and care for him. Or you have to decide that it is beyond repair and let him know that you will not live in a marriage like this. But I think you catch more with honey than vinegar.

It's hard to reconcile when a lot of resentment has built up, but you can do it if you want to. And if it doesn't work out, it's not because you didn't try and give him a fair opportunity to try as well.

crap, I'm at work, and I need to get back to grind. I wish you the best.

Wife30

Well he is really smart. Like book geeky smart and it's really cute when he gets on a history channel tangent. He likes books and reading. I like to read so we can talk about books.

He is REALLY good looking, like other women stare good looking, and Sexy! Always has been, even when he was heavier.

He wanted a family, and seemed anxious to start one. Though we waited 5 years (My request) and so I thought we wanted the same things.

He is sarcastic in his humor, and makes me laugh - when he is in a GOOD Mood!

He used to love going to dinner, hanging with friends, having a margarita and nachos on a Friday night.
Now NO CARBS...

A Bit Much

Those qualities sound good enough. So he's changed a bit in what his idea of fun is with the working out and what not, but actually it's a healthier way to live, isn't it? He'll be around longer.

Where do you fit into what he brings to the table? I've always believed that if you want a 10, you better BE a 10. Bring it and bring it as hard as you expect.

Toffer

[QUOTE=Tall Average Guy;734947]Unfortunately, you may have trained him to not chase you. Based on your tunnel vision in raising your son, I suspect you rejected him quite a lot. That can lead to resentment and withdrawing. Couple that with another on the way, and him flashing back to your previous issues, and he may not think chasing will work. Even though he is handling this poorly, it can be a real issue.

I agree with TAG on this since I am currently in this exact position. I almost never intiate because I am tired of the rejection.

I have been actively working on this over the years but the last ditch effort will be made in June and then we'll see what happens!