Re: The same fight - Every Night!
Thanks everyone for your opinions. My husband and I are having lunch today so I plan to start another conversation there.
I never once said I didn't have hobbies, they just are more around my house, reading, hanging w/friends and family and work. I have exciting work. I just can't flitter off to the gym every day. I have a 3 year old, who already spends a good amount of time in child care and maybe husbands don't understand that often brings guilt to moms. (And maybe that’s on me, but I feel like I had the child, I should spend time with him)
It's not as commonly accepted for us. At work, as a professionals, being pregnant is like having the plague. They take projects from you, worried you won't return after maternity. They have to be more accommodating because you have doctor visits, and pre-school plays that need attending too.
Men seem to have it easier, the expectation to balance it all is not there, That is what your wife is for right?
I wouldn't mind putting the mommy stick down now and then, but my husband doesn't make sure he has shoes that fit, coats for the cold, lunches for school, or play dates for socialization. Add to that a full time work load, managing the household budget, paying the bills, and housework - there is a lot on my plate. A lot to keep in mind. Then there are Stay at Home Mom's that make comments about how when they had children they made the decision that they "wanted to raise them". Like I am not raising my son because I work or choose to work.
So I already have outside influence on both sides of the argument that don’t agree with how I manage my life. My husband, my home should be my safe haven. My support, not another battle field.
Then you have my husband, who has a completely open schedule. He can work from home, work at night, work from wherever there is an internet connection really. He spends 10-12 hours a week on hobbies he enjoys (The gym). He NEVER plans a dinner, NEVER plans a vacation, NEVER plans a birthday party, NEVER plans a date. He does do the dishes, take the trash out, and shows up for soccer practice to cheer his son on. He doesn’t drink excessively, cheat, or hit. He does LIE and berate.
It takes a lot to keep a household running. No matter if you work or stay home – It’s a lot of work, more than one person can handle.
My husband and I do date nights and I don’t' "require us to be home before little man is in bed" we actually try to plan to get home after, to skirt the bed time routine. - And I enjoy decorating our home, reading, spending time with girlfriends, and family. – those are my hobbies and YES I need to make more time for them. I am not interested in spending 10-12 hours away from my family each week at the gym. I did, before pregnancy take a spin class once a week. Right now I can’t… I have been ordered not to by my doctor. I walk at lunch with girlfriends at work, and stay active with a 3 year old.
I just want him to RESPECT me. Treat me as an equal. Stop yelling at me over a bowl of cereal - because to be honest, I contribute more than my fair share, and even if I did leave the bowl in the sink so what. HELP your working wife out and rinse it. Don't berate her about it. I don't do that sort of thing to him - a bowl of cereal in the sink would not even bother me. (This is where I am labeled messy)
I pay for a maid service to come 2 times a month, because the MAN has never cleaned a toilet in his life, and I can’t find time for myself these days let alone his john!
Then with sex – It’s once or twice a week, when I say “hey honey want to – wink wink” – This is the only time I am told that I am wonderful, sexy, or pretty.
But the complements are never – Smart, funny, or thank you for hosting my mother’s 60th birthday party and cooking mini crab cakes for her and 40 of her closest friends, while herding a 3 year old. THEN on my 30th birthday – instead of taking me out, he went out the day of and got me a potted plant and a card, said love you and went to the D*MN GYM.
Don’t get me wrong, I love him. I care for him, he is my husband, the father of my children, smart, funny and charismatic. But the resentment is there. – Maybe I am young, naive or something… and maybe this is JUST WHAT MARRIAGE IS. But I am drowning. I can’t keep fighting and when separation sounds nice simply because I know I would get every other weekend to myself something is wrong.
What is so bad about wanting to come home to a peaceful evening with your family. Why can’t that be enough for him sometimes. He has needs, well so do I. I NEED HIM TO BE HOME and enjoy being home.
Ok it's official I am angry. Maybe I am stubborn, but he needs to give a little. I read over this thread last night. I think some of the advice is very valid... and I am going to try and incorporate it. I am not a saint. I may have "declined sex" before, I may "decline sex" again. I may leave dishes in the sink, and enjoy a bag of potato chips. I might not like his father, and worry he will turn into his father. Those are things I need to work on. BUT I sure as hell support him, raise his children, bring in my share of the income, try to build a nice home.
To be honest, YOU CAN"T ALWAYS DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT! especially when you have kids. You need to engage, be in the room, and make peace with the decision you made to be a father/mother. Otherwise what is the point, we should just ship the little ones off to a boarding school so we can have ME time.
My son is my ME time. My husband is my ME time - but to him WE are an obligation. NOT FUN as A bit much stated.
Well I think we are fun and I am tired of being told otherwise.