General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Guy and girl enter relationship, all goes well, he wants kids, she wants him to wait, he accepts and is ok with it for a while. They enjoy their time together, his clock ticks a bit louder and a few cracks appear, she has baby number one and he is de-prioritised and rebuffed on any and all advances for an extended period, builds up his resentment, and decides to focus on himself. He is rallying himself for an exit from the marriage and child number 2 enters the picture. He remembers the hard times after number one but is also torn by a sense of duty and doing what is right by the family....."if only maybe" is his mantra now. He is looking for signs that things may go back, but is not holding much hope, thus the constant grumpy.
This makes sense, except - Yes I made him wait for 5 years to have children. I was only 22 when we got married. He was still finishing his masters, we needed that time before we took on the responsibility. I didn't deny him sex EVERY time. We have had sex regularly throughout our marriage at least 1 to 2 times a week. At times 4-5 times a week.
I have turned him down. But never consistently. And I am sorry this argument is insulting to my husband. His masculinity is in question because the woman who agreed to marry him, live with him, visits his grandmother with him, decides one night she is not in the mood. WHY??? It does not have ANYTHING to do with him. I may have been tired, sick, or just simply interested in a book. I do not find him any less sexy or desirable. Just at that particular moment in time something else is on my mind. - He should be enough of a MAN to understand that he is still desired. I still come on to him. We still HAVE sex. If I didn't "want" him - we wouldn't
We did take 6 weeks off right after the baby. Doctor's orders! But as soon as the Dr. said go we went!
Then 3 years pass. I am content with one child. He is not. It took us longer to conceive the second- because of his heavy work out regime. Doctor even said, got to get off the bike and rest your boys.... And as soon as he did we were pregnant.
Again I was fine with just one. I even told him this.
We have friends - They have 3 kids under 3. She made the comment that she wanted the 3rd child because she did not feel her family was complete. I came home that night, we were trying for our second, and nothing was happening and I said to him you know I am happy we are trying, another child would be wonderful, but I do feel I have a complete family and if it doesn't work out - The three of us are great just as we are. He did not agree, and suggest adoption if we couldn't have another.
So we powered on, tried harder, and I am happy for it - but how am I to blame for it?
If he was even considering an exit why would he have pushed so hard for the second child?
THAT makes no sense to me. Why is he angry now, I am literally working my butt off to give him everything he tells me he wants.
Clearly there is resentment, would you have some resentment if you were in her shoes. she has resentment towards him to a certain degree and I'm pretty sure he has resentment towards you when you bring up what clearly seems to be a reoccuring fight or conversation about what isn't being met in the marriage.
Wife30- honestly I think that a different approach is needed her to get through to your husband. counciling might be the way, at least try to persuade him to just give it a try just couple times so that way he doesn't need to make it seem like a long term committment. these marriage councelors have a nack for opening up communication and effective one at that.
Tiger Woods learned to play golf at 2. My 3 year old can hit the ball. Take the kid to the driving range. HOW IS THIS SILLY? He has golf clubs, and his Granddad takes him to the course all the time!
My wife has our daughter in a private school. She is probably a grade level above others her age. So she has lots and lots of homework. I would like her in the school we are zoned for so she can be in school with neighbor friends. She gets upset because I want to enjoy the outside "play time" instead of the homework which is too much. She is only 8 years old. 2 hours of homework is way too much.
Wife30!... It may be hard but try to look at it through his point of view.
Maybe talk about "goals"
Don't talk about anything he is doing wrong. Focus on a solution. I am going through a rough patch now. I do some of the exact same things as your husband. I don't always view it through the eyes of my wife. I should though.
Find commen goals and let him be part of it whithout tricking him. My wife ended up with a new CRV because she tricked me into thinking it was my idea. So now she drives the new car, while I drive th 99 sentra. No resentment...lol
if you look at the entire thread, we haven't really heard about what he brings to the table? what does he do to make him good enough for you?
frankly your husband just needs to put more work in plain and simple from what you have told us, I don't feel like he does enough..
the only way this could be resolved is through better communication and not the kinda of communication you don't do this or you don't do that.. leads into further resentment i feel like.
also his willingness to listen and be openminded is a huge thing in effective communication otherwise it just falls on deaf ears.
I know I blame my wife for a lot of things, even though I have my part in it. Almost like I try to invent a reason to fight.
What I want is for my wife to fight back and stand up for herself. I want for her to tell me what she expects from me.
Recently, I joined a sculling/rowing club. The last few time the athletic director rowed in the scull with me and two other people. He tore me up to the point I almost didn't want to go back. I was cursing him inside. I went back and I was better for it. I just hated it at the time.
He may not like what you want and expect from him. He has to hear it. He may get defensive. I know that I would and I may walk out of the room to pout. It could start a bigger fight. There is so much that I don't say, and I know my wife has things she doesn't say. The silence is the worst part.
I am literally working my butt off to give him everything he tells me he wants.
This is a problem. Giving someone everything they want just compounds the problem and creates more issues. And it can actually make them grumpier because now you've become responsible for their happiness and they no longer are capable of doing it for themselves. You've likely enabled him.
Your best bet would be to back off and focus on making YOU happy and worrying less about what's going on with him. It will be hard to do but what other alternative do you have? If he isn't interested in making himself happy you can't do it for him.
He may not like what you want and expect from him. He has to hear it. He may get defensive. I know that I would and I may walk out of the room to pout. It could start a bigger fight. There is so much that I don't say, and I know my wife has things she doesn't say. The silence is the worst part.
This makes perfect sense to me. We had a big fight two weeks ago because furniture needed to be moved around. Our son needed to be moved upstairs, the office down stairs and the guest bedroom cleaned out to accommodate the new nursery furniture. HE WAS SO GRUMPY about it. My brother came over to help, and I sorted and boxed. And we had a neighborhood yard sale - so I set up for that to get rid of stuff. Full argument, in front of my brother when we first got started. He didn’t' want to move his office. But the room downstairs was too small for our son's new bed. Changes needed to be made. After with all three rooms organized, he seemed happy - he even said, "I really didn't want to do this, but I feel like we were really productive this weekend thanks!" Like he was happy I pushed him into it. He seemed HAPPY about the change. He moved some work out gear into the garage, went out and bought a new work bench, Made it his space. But it was like pulling teeth to get him on board. I just don't get WHY it has to be that way? I shouldn't need to get tough to get him to do something for our family! - He is happy now but it made it hard and emotional for me.
Wife30, you are angry. I am angry in my marriage. It is cancer to the marriage relationship and to yourself. First you need to understand the source of your anger and your husbands. You note that you cannot understand why one rejection might hurt him - he should be more of a man about it. Many men are hurt by this rejection. You not understanding how it can hurt and him not understanding that it was not a rejection of him is a breakthrough that can be won with just a little knowledge on both parts - reading some marriage books together (maybe his needs/her needs - I have not read it) can provide insight. 5 love languages while somewhat trite and incomplete, is very good for the big picture realization that people think differently and interpret what love means differently (i.e., for him, you wanting him may be the biggest marker of your love for him, while for you, it may be his willingness to spend quality time together).
Also, you seem resentful of your H's exercise. I get like 4 to 6 hour a sleep at night and still wake up early with the kids (45 minutes earlier than I'd otherwise have to), and make breakfast and pack lunches, so my W can run or go to yoga 3-5 days a week. I only resent that she expects it. I exercise when everyone is sleeping, if I have time.
I do not know what the answer is, but knowing the problem and trying to just focus on being happy otherwise is really helpful. Also, I've resigned myself to not raising my voice (to the kids or W), that helps too.
I do not know what the answer is, but knowing the problem and trying to just focus on being happy otherwise is really helpful. Also, I've resigned myself to not raising my voice (to the kids or W), that helps too.
I would like to get where he does not raise his voice. I think that's part of it. His tone. That is a good resolve.
I had lunch with him today, of course I chickened out - I didn't really talk to him. But - He did say that our neighbor texted him and wanted to know if he wanted to go for a bike ride Saturday evening, on top of his mid-day run.
I didn't say no - BUT I didn't say "I don't care" - My typical response.
I said well we are really busy this weekend, we have a birthday party and soccer on Saturday and Mother's day with his mom, my mom, and son's birthday on Sunday. That I would prefer he didn't and hung around to help get the house picked up and stuff. - He said ok. But I could tell it's not what he wanted. I am going to try and not care so much that it's not exactly what he wants. He needs to help prep for his mom and sister to come over. I also asked him what he planned for his mother for mother's day. Typically I do this for him. So I may not have "talked" to him... I didn't just let him get his way. I am thinking that might be my problem. I say "I don't care" when I actually do.
Full argument, in front of my brother when we first got started. He didn’t' want to move his office. But the room downstairs was too small for our son's new bed. Changes needed to be made. After with all three rooms organized, he seemed happy - he even said, "I really didn't want to do this, but I feel like we were really productive this weekend thanks!" ... But it was like pulling teeth to get him on board. I just don't get WHY it has to be that way? I shouldn't need to get tough to get him to do something for our family! - He is happy now but it made it hard and emotional for me.
I don't want to come across in an offensive manner, and speaking via cyberspace often leads to misunderstandings, particularly because you are reading words without hearing the nuance in a person's voice or seeing their expressions.
People are doing their best here to give you their perspective and some advice. You can choose what to take and leave the rest. But for every post where someone makes a suggestion, you come back with an argument, in great detail, as to how something suggested has already been tried, how we don't understand what it is you are asking. Hey, maybe I'm just a dumb blonde and actually don't get it.
But a friend of mine used to tell me, "If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question."
You sound angry and it sounds like you are a take-charge sort of person. Taking charge is not a bad trait by any means. It certainly seems that your husband is off in his own world, doing his thing, and doesn't take kindly to change; even if the change works out for his own good. Some people are resistant to change.
Here's the bottom line of what I'm getting:
You and hubs are having the same fight over and over.
You fight frequently.
He's grumpy.
You are stressed out and sick of him not pulling his weight.
You want him to join in with you and your child and be a contributing member within the family unit.
He gets ticked off about stuff like leaving a bowl of cereal and milk in the sink.
You get ticked off that his is a grouch and spending hours in the gym.
So, that's my take on it. Maybe you two have communication styles that don't mesh. Maybe the two of you just aren't all that happy with each other. I think I came up with a fairly decent synopsis of what you are conveying.
I'm not here to judge you, find fault with one party or the other; I can only make suggestions from where I sit. And from where I sit I don't know you or your husband from jack.
As to why your man isn't participating in the family unit. I don't know. You are married to him. If you don't know, then come right out and be blunt with him. Tell him how you feel. If he dismisses you or tells you he thinks you're being "silly," at least you can likely conclude he doesn't have much respect for your opinion(s).
Counseling is the only thing I can think of. If he won't go, you might want to give it a try. Sorry if we aren't coming up with answers you feel you need.
Tiger Woods learned to play golf at 2. My 3 year old can hit the ball. Take the kid to the driving range. HOW IS THIS SILLY? He has golf clubs, and his Granddad takes him to the course all the time!
See how angry you are?
What if you were reading your response without being in the weeds?
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Re: The same fight - Every Night! 
