General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have turned him down. But never consistently. And I am sorry this argument is insulting to my husband. His masculinity is in question because the woman who agreed to marry him, live with him, visits his grandmother with him, decides one night she is not in the mood. WHY??? It does not have ANYTHING to do with him. I may have been tired, sick, or just simply interested in a book. I do not find him any less sexy or desirable. Just at that particular moment in time something else is on my mind. - He should be enough of a MAN to understand that he is still desired. I still come on to him. We still HAVE sex. If I didn't "want" him - we wouldn't
How does this square with your earlier admission that you got tunnel vision after the birth of your son. Here, you are the perfect wife, you earlier you admit to focusing on your son and neglecting your husband. How does that fit.
As to the bold above, you have a lot to learn about men. Do you just assume they have no feelings?
Get to counseling, because you both have some real issues to work out.
I have turned him down. But never consistently. And I am sorry this argument is insulting to my husband. His masculinity is in question because the woman who agreed to marry him, live with him, visits his grandmother with him, decides one night she is not in the mood. WHY??? It does not have ANYTHING to do with him. I may have been tired, sick, or just simply interested in a book. I do not find him any less sexy or desirable. Just at that particular moment in time something else is on my mind. - He should be enough of a MAN to understand that he is still desired. I still come on to him. We still HAVE sex. If I didn't "want" him - we wouldn't
Sorry, but I have to address this again. Think about the bold and how that made your husband feel. You are more interested in a book than having sex with him. Then think about how angry you are because his work outs are more important than spending time with you. Why do you expect his reaction to be different?
This is not to say he is perfect or with out fault in this relationship. But your posts are getting more and more defensive and your faults are getting smaller and less significant. You are the one posting, so you will get advice on how to change you. You can't change your husband and we certainly can't. But his faults don't absolve you of your responsbility to clean up your side of the street.
With all of that, get to counseling. You both need it.
I have to agree with TAG... Even if my wife initiates sex 3 times in a row. If the next time, I initiate the sex and she refuses, It really hurts. Even if I am not in the mood I will still pleasure her orally first. My tool usually works but on a moments notice? Not always. So When I want the love/sex I really want it. One rejection out of 4 or so? I only remember the rejected time. That is me though. Then I think in my head that my wife doesn't desire me and she has just enough sex to make me happy. I'll admit that my mind plays tricks on me. I do give my wife a hard time.
How does this square with your earlier admission that you got tunnel vision after the birth of your son. Here, you are the perfect wife, you earlier you admit to focusing on your son and neglecting your husband. How does that fit.
As to the bold above, you have a lot to learn about men. Do you just assume they have no feelings?
Get to counseling, because you both have some real issues to work out.
I got tunnel vision, I stoped calling to say hi during the day. I only planned "Kid Friendly" events - I never wanted to go out without my son - for about the 1st 9months of his life. I really only talked about baby stuff. I got the same way around our wedding, it got to where we only talked about wedding prep.
I didn't stop sleeping with him! Nor did I ever say I did. You guys assumed that. And it was over 2 years ago. I corrected the problem, we started date night. I call him, text him, but to be honest it's one sided. I do these things. He just sits around and waits for me to ask him to lunch. How Exactly is that rejection?
And I don't READ for 3 hours every night. I don't even read every night. I NEVER said I am perfect - but sometimes a girl just isn't in the mood. Sometimes a guy isn't. He has turned me down before and I am sure he will again! But I didnt give up and stop trying. The sex argument just doesn't hold up.
If someone is with you, sleeping with you regularly... maybe not 5 times a week, but regularly... then they find you sexy. You are disired. He doesn't even try anymore but I still know he wants me because AGAIN WE HAVE SEX REGULARLY.
- And lets assume your right, he feels regected from 3 years ago. He has talked to me about it. I try and correct the behavior. Isn't the continued punishment on him - I am not withholding - I tell him he is sexy... I put on the cute outfits. What's the deal NOW. - and it doesn't matter, because all that happens when you say - "well I don't think your fun anymore because we don't have sex enough" - All this does is tell your wife she is just there to get you off. WHAT about the other freaking 23hours in the day.
I don't want to come across in an offensive manner, and speaking via cyberspace often leads to misunderstandings, particularly because you are reading words without hearing the nuance in a person's voice or seeing their expressions.
People are doing their best here to give you their perspective and some advice. You can choose what to take and leave the rest. But for every post where someone makes a suggestion, you come back with an argument, in great detail, as to how something suggested has already been tried, how we don't understand what it is you are asking. Hey, maybe I'm just a dumb blonde and actually don't get it.
But a friend of mine used to tell me, "If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question."
You sound angry and it sounds like you are a take-charge sort of person. Taking charge is not a bad trait by any means. It certainly seems that your husband is off in his own world, doing his thing, and doesn't take kindly to change; even if the change works out for his own good. Some people are resistant to change.
Here's the bottom line of what I'm getting:
You and hubs are having the same fight over and over.
You fight frequently.
He's grumpy.
You are stressed out and sick of him not pulling his weight.
You want him to join in with you and your child and be a contributing member within the family unit.
He gets ticked off about stuff like leaving a bowl of cereal and milk in the sink.
You get ticked off that his is a grouch and spending hours in the gym.
So, that's my take on it. Maybe you two have communication styles that don't mesh. Maybe the two of you just aren't all that happy with each other. I think I came up with a fairly decent synopsis of what you are conveying.
I'm not here to judge you, find fault with one party or the other; I can only make suggestions from where I sit. And from where I sit I don't know you or your husband from jack.
As to why your man isn't participating in the family unit. I don't know. You are married to him. If you don't know, then come right out and be blunt with him. Tell him how you feel. If he dismisses you or tells you he thinks you're being "silly," at least you can likely conclude he doesn't have much respect for your opinion(s).
Counseling is the only thing I can think of. If he won't go, you might want to give it a try. Sorry if we aren't coming up with answers you feel you need.
Prodigal, I agree - I actually think a lot of the advise is good. I just don't agree with the you reject sex so he is grumpy advice. I completely see where I may have made him feel bad comparing our upbringings and thinking mine was better. I made a mental note NOT to do that.
I need to work on me. It's not on him to make me happy! And I need to be upfront and honest with him.
But I never said I didn't appreciate the advice or that I didn't hear it. - I just didn't take all of it.
I got tunnel vision, I stoped calling to say hi during the day. I only planned "Kid Friendly" events - I never wanted to go out without my son - for about the 1st 9months of his life. I really only talked about baby stuff. I got the same way around our wedding, it got to where we only talked about wedding prep.
I didn't stop sleeping with him! Nor did I ever say I did. You guys assumed that. And it was over 2 years ago. I corrected the problem, we started date night. I call him, text him, but to be honest it's one sided. I do these things. He just sits around and waits for me to ask him to lunch. How Exactly is that rejection?
And I don't READ for 3 hours every night. I don't even read every night. I NEVER said I am perfect - but sometimes a girl just isn't in the mood. Sometimes a guy isn't. He has turned me down before and I am sure he will again! But I didnt give up and stop trying. The sex argument just doesn't hold up.
If someone is with you, sleeping with you regularly... maybe not 5 times a week, but regularly... then they find you sexy. You are disired. He doesn't even try anymore but I still know he wants me because AGAIN WE HAVE SEX REGULARLY.
- And lets assume your right, he feels regected from 3 years ago. He has talked to me about it. I try and correct the behavior. Isn't the continued punishment on him - I am not withholding - I tell him he is sexy... I put on the cute outfits. What's the deal NOW. - and it doesn't matter, because all that happens when you say - "well I don't think your fun anymore because we don't have sex enough" - All this does is tell your wife she is just there to get you off. WHAT about the other freaking 23hours in the day.
When you go to counseling, I gently suggest you drop the attitude. I understand your are hurt by his behavior. What is troubling is your unwillingness to believe that you actually could hurt your husband by your behavior, or that he should not just get over it. I suspect this comes out lound and clear in your dealings with him. Go into counseling with an open mind that both of you will be expected to work on things. I do wish you luck.
Wife30...I am about to write a thread from my wife's point of view, how she views our relationship. I think she may view mw as an a$$hole. What would your husband say about you?
When you go to counseling, I gently suggest you drop the attitude. I understand your are hurt by his behavior. What is troubling is your unwillingness to believe that you actually could hurt your husband by your behavior, or that he should not just get over it. I suspect this comes out lound and clear in your dealings with him. Go into counseling with an open mind that both of you will be expected to work on things. I do wish you luck.
Let me ask you a question. Well if a wife is tired! SICK! or just wants a moment in her own skin. She is now harming her husband, because she doesn't drop all the feelings she is having at that exact moment to adopt his feelings, this is a deal breaker for you? It hurts your feelings when your wife says "not tonight honey" ?
I could see if I she said YUCK, gross, NOT you.
This is not attitude. I promise I am truly trying to wrap my head around this argument.
I agree I have probably hurt him, but not by saying "not tonight honey - I am tired"
And if that did hurt him, how do I fix that? I am going to have times in life where I don't feel like it. Am I supposed to just perform anyway, like a pet?
If he gets offended every time I am not in the mood we will never stop having the same fight. Doesn't he have to own those feelings?
I own my feelings of resentment. I know he deserves a hobby and time on his own. I know some of that is me but if you get upset because your wife says no (Sometimes) isn't that you?
I go and watch him run his races. I watch the kid so he can work out. I get grumpy about it... but I don't YELL AT HIM OVER A BOWL OF CEREAL. I don't yell at him at all. When I try and talk to him - honestly openly, I get told I am being silly.
Silly! But when he said he didn't feel like I paid him any attention any more - 2 years ago. I said ok - well lets plan time JUST US once a week - and we did date night every Friday night.
I think you let things go for so long, you've internalized them to the point where it's hurting you. You're extremely angry. I get that, but you have to own the fact that during some (if not most) times rather than going along with his program you cared and told him you didn't. You play all nice and get mad because he runs over you like a mack truck. That's not on HIM that's on YOU.
Neither of you know how to communicate. You bottle it until you blow and he just blows at every little thing. Take the first steps to fixing this. Make an appointment with a counselor. At this point only a 3rd party can truly help you both through this bitterness.
The way this is supposed to work it that the overall commitment, feeling and belief that one is loved will carry them through the short term trauma of being turned down. Somewhere between caring for a small child and birthing the next one this is getting short circuited. Yes, your husband needs to own his feelings. It looks like he has some things to work through. Your job is to respect him and support him and try to stay focused on the positive. This might include not complaining to outside persons who will certainly take you side against him
Let me ask you a question. Well if a wife is tired! SICK! or just wants a moment in her own skin. She is now harming her husband, because she doesn't drop all the feelings she is having at that exact moment to adopt his feelings, this is a deal breaker for you? It hurts your feelings when your wife says "not tonight honey" ?
I could see if I she said YUCK, gross, NOT you.
This is not attitude. I promise I am truly trying to wrap my head around this argument.
I agree I have probably hurt him, but not by saying "not tonight honey - I am tired"
And if that did hurt him, how do I fix that? I am going to have times in life where I don't feel like it. Am I supposed to just perform anyway, like a pet?
If he gets offended every time I am not in the mood we will never stop having the same fight. Doesn't he have to own those feelings?
I own my feelings of resentment. I know he deserves a hobby and time on his own. I know some of that is me but if you get upset because your wife says no (Sometimes) isn't that you?
I go and watch him run his races. I watch the kid so he can work out. I get grumpy about it... but I don't YELL AT HIM OVER A BOWL OF CEREAL. I don't yell at him at all. When I try and talk to him - honestly openly, I get told I am being silly.
Silly! But when he said he didn't feel like I paid him any attention any more - 2 years ago. I said ok - well lets plan time JUST US once a week - and we did date night every Friday night.
So I heard him. But if I have issues I am silly.
Do you see the connection between this much pent up hostility and the fact that you're fighting all the time?
TAG said "When you go to counseling, I gently suggest you drop the attitude. I understand your are hurt by his behavior. What is troubling is your unwillingness to believe that you actually could hurt your husband by your behavior, or that he should not just get over it. I suspect this comes out lound and clear in your dealings with him. Go into counseling with an open mind that both of you will be expected to work on things. I do wish you luck"
Have to agree here. as I said, there's also a whole lot of resentment built up in Wife. I'm not saying it's all unjustified but it hasn't been dealt with or addressed.
Wife said "I agree I have probably hurt him, but not by saying "not tonight honey - I am tired"
PROBABLY hurt him???? Seriously?? You've done something to him and I know all of it isn't related to a few "not tonights honey". That's usually where it starts.
Wife also said "But when he said he didn't feel like I paid him any attention any more - 2 years ago. I said ok - well lets plan time JUST US once a week - and we did date night every Friday night"
That's a start but again, I would GUESS (and that's all we're doing here because we aren't professionals) that while this may have helped, he's still got something deep inside that he can't let go of.
Just my 2 cents. He is also a part of the troubles. I don't see anyone denying that. as I and others have said, get to counseling!
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Re: The same fight - Every Night! 
