It is almost impossible to succeed if YOU initiate the conversation. The only time I have seen the HD person get a good outcome in those situations is when they do something that I am personally not capable of. Which is basically to have the "I am leaving you" conversation. And it only works if their partner believes they mean it, AND really wants to stay married. I couldn't do that to my wife.
What is fairer and generally works better is to keep deprioritizing her until SHE says she wants YOU to increase how you prioritize HER. If she does not initiate this conversation it will fail. And that means you are going to have to start cutting back on stuff she DOES care about. So far you have been a bit careful not to cut back on things you know will make her angry or upset.
Until you get past your fear of upsetting her, I cannot imagine how your sex life could improve.
The fact that she is so comfortable rejecting you shows a huge lack of respect and consideration. For a woman, desire is linked to respect. The way you avoided directly addressing the negligee tease is a great example of this. That was a PERFECT example of you choosing to not enforce the "no teasing" boundary.
Until you get to the point where you accept that to improve the marriage, you have to be willing to "bet the marriage", nothing will change. If you truly "accept" that the marriage might not mean so much to her, and she might be willing to let it end, your fear will diminish greatly. If you don't there is no way you will be able to mask it.
Most women perceive male anger in these situations as fear. The most unsexy situation in the world for a woman is when a man projects fear in a conversation where he is asking for sex.
A Bit Much,
This post of yours is perhaps the best one I've read about the issue of the sex struggle between husbands and wives.
I am currently living this life and your husband hit the nail square on!
My wife has only iniated about 2x this year so I have to say my frustration level was very high. We have averaged a little less than 1x a week this year
I have withdrawn into myself and no longer to out of my way to express my love for her through non-sexual touch or gestures. I'm still polite as hel* and do all that I've always done around the house but I now do more for just me and don't include her. I go out for meals with friends, do a little fishin or whatever else I want to
as I've stated too many times to count, we've done all the talking, counseling etc and I have seen improvements in my wife but they've always been short lived.
I plan one more try in about 2 weeks and I'll see what that does (waiting for her current busy time to end). after that? Who knows?