General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok,
I guess I am looking for some unbiased advice! I can talk to my girlfriends, or mother - but then they are always on my side. I appreciate this, but sometimes an outside view helps.
My husband and I seem to be fighting a lot. We have been arguing for about 3 years now, since the birth of my son. The first year with our son was hard, but I felt like we had sorted it out. I am now 5 months pregnant with our 2nd (A little girl).
Ok,
He get's "Grumpy" - and his moods have immediate effects on my moods.
Last night for example - He is not in a great mood, we are setting up my son's bed and he is moving furniture. He wacks my son's book case against a toy box (by accident). I said "Careful" in response to the sound, and he jumped down my throat. - to the point that my mother looked over at me like, "did I miss something". (She was over helping move stuff) Then later that evening he started complaining that my son's bowl of cheerios was sitting in the sink with milk and cereal still in it. He thought I had put it there. Now my mother had, but at 9pm at night he is shouting through the house about a bowl of cereal. - We have a garbage disposal, it's not that hard to rinse it down the sink.
At this point I get angry. I am not sure where in our relationship he decided it was ok to treat me like the enemy, or to speak to me like this.
When I call him on it he treats me like I am silly.
I asked him why he was in a bad mood, - his answer was "I am not in a bad mood" - So I of course respond "Oh this is your good mood?"
I understand people get grumpy - but this has become a constant thing. It's weekly. I go to bed sad, mad and hurt. He continues to claim that it's not any different than how I treat him so it's justified? We have the same fight - Over and over again.
I worry that this is how we are going to communicate for the next 60 year. - No I don't worry about that because I won't last 60 more years in this constant unrest.
Advice would be helpful. How do I get back to where he looks at me fondly, cares about my opinions, and how we start treating each other like we use to?
Right now he is a wall, does not communicate at all with me, never shows any emotion besides annoyed. It's truly getting to the point where I don't want to even try any more. If he wants to be an island - so be it.
I'm curious how your sex life is, or how your H thinks it is. My H can get grumpy, and part of it turned out to be lack of sex as often as he would like it. Another part of it was how I responded to his moods, which would escalate the matter into a full out screaming match over something so little as a bowl of cereal in the sink
Do the two of you communicate well when he is not "grumpy"? How long have you been married?
Welcome to TAM Wife30. After 20 years with my wife, I get grumpy a lot...I am sure things similar to your husband. I get upset at the little things that doesn't mean anything and I can't help myself. Sometimes I will tell myself that I won't go off or get angry. So it unfolds like I am watching a movie about myself and the lines come out of me without my control.
I like what cherry and mavash said. The sex was missing for me for so long. It's better now but the resentment is still there. We have zero chemistry, no hugs and it seems like no love. Now it is her tern to build up her resentments because after 18 years we are finally having the sex. I know for both of us our hearts are not in it. We are in trouble.
Grumpiness for me comes from my unmet needs. Part of that is sex and part of it is just feeling needed and loved. There is a lack of communication too. We have this huge wall that we may not be able to tear down.
After 20 years, it seems worse. The "wall" gets bigger. I don't know what tO expect anymore. It has to come from her. At the same time, I have to get past my $hit.
I can't offer any real advise but am in the same situation with the same fight over and over.It feels like every weekend (hes only home on weekends) we have the same fight except its progressivly getting worse.
Im assuming in my case something happened back in January and also back when we were dating (because he mentions two things frequently in our arguments out of the blue) and he has never gotten over it or sat with me to discuss the 2 issues and put them to bed.
Im sorry you are going through this.Its hard to be on eggshells and it makes life suck.
In my case the sex is amazing so thats not the problem.
Im assuming in my case something happened back in January and also back when we were dating
Never assume anything. 90% of what we assume about people is incorrect. Even if you are right that these event are what's wrong I'm betting you don't know WHY they are still triggering him. Your best bet is to calmly ask him to explain it to you.
These arguments are almost never about a bowl of cherios or a bumped toy.
Normally they are about power. My bet is that he is feeling insecure about something, maybe because he gets less attention than he used to, he feels he isn't contributing enough (financially maybe) or he feels unloved/undesired. Men normally lash out when they feel emasculated in some way.
The real cause of the problem needs to be found. The problem is we often only talk about these things during a fight or when a problem arises. Try talking when he is happy and relaxed. Be direct ask him what the real problem is.
These arguments are almost never about a bowl of cherios or a bumped toy.
Normally they are about power. My bet is that he is feeling insecure about something, maybe because he gets less attention than he used to, he feels he isn't contributing enough (financially maybe) or he feels unloved/undesired. Men normally lash out when they feel emasculated in some way.
The real cause of the problem needs to be found. The problem is we often only talk about these things during a fight or when a problem arises. Try talking when he is happy and relaxed. Be direct ask him what the real problem is.
I agree... Ask him. My wife writes little notes on the water bottle that our 8 year old takes to lunch. I never get notes from her.
I used to leave notes all over the place. On the mirror,in her make-up cubby, on the fridge and she never did the same. Our dog gets more attention than I do and I am the only income earner. She stays at home and doesn't take care of the home. So, I do lash out more than I should.
I agree... Talk to him when he is in a good mood, he may not get as defensive. Watch out for those egg shells.
We have been married 8 years. And the first 5 were great! We would fight but it was about things like, how he drives, or who picks up the dinner. Never so void as it is now! Fighting for fighting sake(If that makes sense)
The sex is on and off. I am pregnant right now, and actually in the mood a lot, but he never seems to try anymore - so if I don't instigate... and I am not great at initiating sex... then we stew in silence. He blames me, saying I would turn him down a lot so he stopped trying, but I feel like he blames me for everything. When we have sex - it's good, but I don't feel like there is a lot of intimacy. More wham bam thank you mam. If you get my drift.
He does not communicate - even in good moods. He has been pushing me for the last 3 years to have another baby. He wants a little girl, but did not act excited at all - actually acted grumpy when we found out we were having a girl. It's odd - the second child was more pressure from him, but then he didn't tell anyone until I asked why he hadn't shared the news, and he was grumpy the day we found out we were having a girl.
I the last 3 years he has also lost a lot of weight. He diets, and exercises daily. Sometimes I resent the time spent exercising vs. helping with kids, chores, etc. We both work full time and I feel things should be split evenly. But he will go "work out" for 2-3 hours each day. I never have that kind of time- with out guilt. He says I could go out, have a hobby - my response I say "when then would you work out? Or when would we spend time together as a family?" Then I am the awful wife that doesn't support his efforts to be healthier. Don't get me wrong he looks FANTASTIC and I really don't have something I want to be doing. I guess I just want him around more. Then he feels like I am trying to chain him or something.
Sometimes I wonder if the grumpy mood is his diet. He doesn't eat any grain (Bread, pasta, etc.) Sometimes I wonder if he is hugry. I am very thin naturally. I actually have to eat more calories to maintain weight. So A cookie here, or big bowl of pasta is nothing for me. But we eat totally different diets at this point, and he gets grumpy if I put cookies in the house. Because he will eat them and then blame me because I bought them. Well I want to eat them. I am 5"7 5months pregnant and only 115lbs.. I am small. Food is my friend and his diet is his choice. - I thought he looked GREAT 3 years ago when he was 235lbs... now at 175lbs he looks good too. I get he is healthier, but he is not as much fun.
I just want to stop fighting and get back to us. It makes me sad. It hurts my feelings because I feel like I am being blamed. I don't know. I have my faults too. I am messy, and I like junk food. But I was that way when he married me.
I don't know. I see people where their spouse is cheating or abusive and I think it could be worse, but I am unhappy. It feels hopeless.
I have directly asked him- he says I am being silly and nothing is wrong. If there is an underlined problem, I am not sure if he even knows what it is.
This to me is quite telling "He blames me, saying I would turn him down a lot so he stopped trying".
I am in a similar place in my 26 year marriage. After too many rejections to count, I just don't try anywhere near as much as I used to. I am happy when my wife intiates (which has been 2 times this year). Men want to feel desired and wanted too, just like women. We sometimes feel that our spouses have sex with as like it was a chore for them and just one more otem to cross off on the To Do list. After a while, chore sex loses it's appeal.
How are the family finances? I know that I get grumpy when I deny myself things due to budetary reasons and then I find out that my wife bought another pair of shoes or a top or more clothes for my daughter while we are supposedly trying to pay down debt! The things I buy are for things like re-doing the foyer in our home (new doors, paint, etc). It makes me want to go out and buy the iPad I've wanted to get for the past two years!
I also think that there is something(s) deep down that bother him. I also believe that the best route is to approach him openly and honestly saying "Honey, you know I love you but I am concerned about us. I plan on growing old with you but I have noticed that at times, you seem to get upset at minor things that happen and I can't help but wonder what it is that is really driving this anger. I would really love to get some joint counseling with you so the BOTH of us can work at making this marriage better for us AND our beautiful children"
Ok,
He get's "Grumpy" - and his moods have immediate effects on my moods.
At this point I get angry. I am not sure where in our relationship he decided it was ok to treat me like the enemy, or to speak to me like this.
I go to bed sad, mad and hurt.
Advice would be helpful. How do I get back
What is happening is that you are allowing yourself to be emotionally reactive, you are reacting to his emotions. This is a choice you make and you can choose not to do it.
Everyone get angry and anger is understandable but we can't allow ourselves to yield to anger and act in an angry manner. Going to bed mad or sad means you are holding resentment over his bad behavior. It is like drinking poison and thinking the other person will die. The way to release resentment is through forgiveness.
Your husband need to do his share in your relationship, but you can't do it for him. The best thing you can do for the two of you is doing the best you can for yourself. I'm not talking about diet or housekeeping, I'm talking about building and keeping a positive self image and not yielding to emotion
I the last 3 years he has also lost a lot of weight. He diets, and exercises daily. Sometimes I resent the time spent exercising vs. helping with kids, chores, etc. We both work full time and I feel things should be split evenly. But he will go "work out" for 2-3 hours each day. I never have that kind of time- with out guilt. He says I could go out, have a hobby - my response I say "when then would you work out? Or when would we spend time together as a family?" Then I am the awful wife that doesn't support his efforts to be healthier. Don't get me wrong he looks FANTASTIC and I really don't have something I want to be doing. I guess I just want him around more. Then he feels like I am trying to chain him or something.
I just want to stop fighting and get back to us. It makes me sad. It hurts my feelings because I feel like I am being blamed. I don't know. I have my faults too. I am messy, and I like junk food. But I was that way when he married me.
I don't know. I see people where their spouse is cheating or abusive and I think it could be worse, but I am unhappy. It feels hopeless.
I have directly asked him- he says I am being silly and nothing is wrong. If there is an underlined problem, I am not sure if he even knows what it is.
I can relate to all of that. I want my wife to get a hobby. I see how stresses she gets, especially over the summer being that she is a SAHM. My wife buys a lot of junk food and although I like to eat it, I would rather her not buy so much. I have very little will power.
I know she must feel like she does nothing right. She may be messy, like you. I married her that way, I should have known what I was getting myself into.
I do think your husband HAS TO do his part in the house woork. Even though I work, I still cook half of the time and vacume, dishes and so much other stuff. HEY...That could be part of my anger...
I do agree that you need a hobby, Find a way to do that. Even if he has to give up some of his workout time. Most gyms have a daycare. I see moms all the time on the running trails with their baby.
Spend time AWAY from your hubby and make him miss you a little and don't ALWAYS be there for him.
How do I get back to where he looks at me fondly, cares about my opinions, and how we start treating each other like we use to?
Sex. Have some. Then have some more.
I find my husband getting irritable when he doesn't get it on a regular basis. Snippy, agitated. I rock his world and he goes back to being my sweetie pie.
I find my husband getting irritable when he doesn't get it on a regular basis. Snippy, agitated. I rock his world and he goes back to being my sweetie pie.
And yes I'm serious. Have sex with your husband.
For me, when we are having the sex 3-4 times a week, I stay happy. Add another day of sex in there (if she is happy about that) and I will even scrub the toilets (all three of them) with a smile on my face.
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The same fight - Every Night! 
