Pavlov

Hello everyone; Hope you are doing well. I joined about 3 months ago and made a few posts so I am not real regular but think about you people alot.

Things were going pretty well with my the last few months. More or less, but today she really upset me. You know she is the very sincere, christian person. Which normally religion is not for me but she has always been very sincere and more spiritual than literal bible thumper. So she really made a good wife until we went through some bad times. I was suspended in my profession, had nervous breakdown, went to AA. Got sober. Had to do menial jobs, slowly making it back. You know not really extra ordinary but not something everyone goes through either....

She kept me going throughout. But last year or so she has lied flat out to my face. First it was over a bill. MY father was in assisted living and we took him out of there to live with us (we could not afford it). They wanted payment for 30 days in advance. I told my wife we cannot afford it, I dont care what you feel, we just cant pay them and still keep going.

So she says okay. Later it turns out she wrote them a check for $500 totally against my will. I ask her why? Well I feel we had to...Christianity,its wrong to steal etc.

Yeah. Remember the car accident you had in Maui? That was $3000 do you want to pay that too? We cannot stay in this house dear if you want to pay all these bills. She has no answer.

Then my dads meds. Dad gets up a lot at night. I order Lunesta. Doc says it's okay try it for a week. One day later my wife is convinced dad is a vegetable and cannot take this med...I call the doc. He says well try it and see. I go home, no meds. Wheres the meds? "I dunno" YOu really dont know? "NO.

Look over the whole house. Cant find them. THree days later, yeah you guessed it she tossed them. She felt she had to do it.

Finally today. She takes this shirt i had when I had to take a menial job in food service. This shirt means someting to me. It means what I went through. It has memories. I told her this months ago when she refused to let me wear it. WHy cant I wear the shirt? "You dont work there"

Well I saw the shirt in the trunk of her car last week. Today it is gone. Where is my shirt? "I dunno" Are you sure? "I have no idea." Well I saw the shirt in your trunk I know you did something with it.

"Oh."

Turns out she gave it to goodwill. Now I am in like a state I dunno what. I feel betrayed, foolish, I have so many emotions. I cant even describe this.

Can anyone lend a hand with a question or two:

1) I feel we must go into counseling ASAP. I really feel like I dont want to share meals with her, our daughter and my father anymore until this happens.

I really dont want to hurt her. Or destroy anything she possesses. I broke my dads walker about 3 months ago just so pissed off at her and I vowed I will never break anything or do anything violent. I am not violent I have never hit her. I just do not do that stuff....

2) I feel she needs get the shirt back right now. And again I am not going to eat with her until she does because right now I feel just utterly violated and not a family..

Any comments? ANy suggestions? I think we can get a counselor quickly as we have a church and I have a therapist that's provided for low income so that is do able.

GAsoccerman

I agree, you should go into counseling, you both have trust issues and need to sort them out. You both are not on the same page, not even close.

your foundation is weak, the lying, the lack of communication and the other persons feelings, is like a "tit for tat" thingy.

and you should pay all your bills at all cost, or make arrangements to.

Pavlov

what is the tit for tat thingy? I dont follow you on that. I tried not to do that. I try very carefully not to get into that sort of thing. So can you enlighten me on that part?

oh you mean on not eating? But this is how I feel. I know my emotions. I dont feel like I can sit down and eat dinner with her. I am definitely aware of how I feel.

So you suggest just eat dinner with them anyhow? I guess this is the question I am asking so you may as well say..

snix11

I think if she doesn't get your shirt back, you need to do it. Take care of you in a healthy way that doesn't 'force' her to do anything. But will REALLY make her think. This going behind your back, lying, stealing etc it NOT the actions of a god fearing christian woman. She is using her religion to justify her passive aggressive behavior to you. You don't have to put up with it.

If you pay the grocery bills, have ramen for dinner till she gets back on the program. If she asks, explain gently and lovingly (important stuff that) that you WANT to have more, but that you feel she will keep paying bills you can't afford. Tell her you WANT to trust her, but until you two really talk (or go to counseling) that you don't feel you CAN afford more for dinner.

Express your DISAPPOINTMENT (make sure it's that word) in her for her continued lying to you. NO lectures. Just sadness at her actions. Give her 1 and only 1 chance to get your shirt back. Just ask her nicely:

Honey, do you think it would be reasonable for you to get my shirt back? It means so much to me.

If she says "yes" say thank you, please go get it now. And hand her the keys and tell her you will take care of everything till she gets back.

If she says 'yes' but won't go (her typical passive aggressive behavior of late) give her 10 minutes to leave an then say "I see you don't seem to want to go get it. Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself.

If She says 'no' then say "Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it" then go get it yourself.

When you get back with the shirt (if it's still there, or even if it's not) Buy a LOCK for the bedroom closet door (or wherever you kept your shirt) YOU have the only key.

Petty? You bet. But don't tell her why, don't yell, don't blame and don't lecture! Don't even give an explination unless she really asks. Just tell her that you love her very much and you need to take care of things so they don't 'accidentally' find their way to her trunk anymore. If she complains that her clothes are in there too, tell her 'you know, you are RIGHT! I'm so sorry about that. How do you think we should fix this problem?" If she answers with ANYTHING other than "i'm sorry, i never should have thrown your stuff out" or something else contrite and sincere, then Just take her clothes out of the closet and invite her NICELY to keep them in the hall closet or wherever.

Again, give the attitude of "whatever you do, I love you" Don't worry about the problems, I'll take care of them.

She will get it.