So I just couldn't let it go...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree8Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-10-2012, 06:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 772
Default So I just couldn't let it go...

He lied to me, a big lie, ten years ago, and my friend felt so bad she finally told me and conveniently DH doesn't remember said night... he remembers the entire day, little details, but doesn't remember that night, and others can place him there as well (and no he was not drunk)... I just wish he would be honest, as she was, after all this time.... instead I got to see his lying face, and realized I've seen it a lot Talked with his friend who said he is definitely lying just based on a comment he made afterwards. I don't even know what to make of all of it. I was willing to forgive it and move on, but he won't fess up.... wth? His friend says since he started with "I don't know what she's talking about, I don't remember" he stuck with it and now he's stuck and doesn't know how to get off the tracks.... but he didn't call her a liar, just said simply, he doesn't recall, he doesn't remember, maybe he did, he's sorry if he did, but he doesn't remember....grrrrr
Suggestions?

Here is the situation.... back when we were dating, seriously and talking about the future. I had to go out of town to one state and he had a reunion in another state (my friend hitched a ride to that state as well) but when they got back, they had a private party with some drugs... no sex, just drugs. But she felt guilty because he swore her to secrecy not to tell me... so she finally told me, we were talking about all sorts of things last night so she came clean, said it's bothered her for years... I ask him about it, and he doesn't remember.... (not a drug that you would forget on).
livelaughlovenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-10-2012, 06:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,997
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Why are you so upset over a sexless party that happened ten years ago?
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 06:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Drugs can be just as bad if not worse then sex sometimes. Live.. would you forgive your hubby if he just fessed up to the lie? Admitted he lied about it?
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 06:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Mistys dad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 730
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

She held it for 10 years, then decided to tell you.

I don't know about your husband. But she has an agenda.
__________________
The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?

OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
Mistys dad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 06:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,935
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistys dad View Post
She held it for 10 years, then decided to tell you.

I don't know about your husband. But she has an agenda.
Amen.
Conrad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 772
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

I thought about that too.....her I mean. But I just wish he would fess up. She was drunken the phone when she confessed we were talking about all sorts of things in the past...but that one shocked me, and with his,I don't recall, I just wish he would come clean....I just don't know what to make of it. She said now that we are married and both have kids etc, and I was confiding in her I wasn't sure I could trust him on some thing now, had been confiding in her a lot lately andi guess she regretted not telling me then because she said she honestly thought he was a good guy but that he did lie to me once....etc....then when I told her he didn't recall the info she was like wth?
And the thing is...I have my doubts now with the lack of recall if it was really sexless, she says it was but how am I supposed to believe her? She held it for ten years! If it is what she said simply that I get why he didn't want me to know, I wouldn't be with him right now! I would have left and never looked back, which she said he talked about me the whole night but it bothered her because she thought about what if the shoe were reversed and I kept a secret like that from her, hence why she told me.....guilty conscious? But the fact that he won't just admit it and sincerely apologize is what gets me.
Posted via Mobile Device
livelaughlovenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
mommyofthree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 105
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Not sure what drug it was but it was 10 years ago. Im assuming he has not done it since?

I think If it were me I would let it go at this point and I know to say it is easier than doing it. I mean its been a LONG time .He did not cheat (no time limit on that in my opinion) and hes clean now so I say let him know you know and then try to let it go. JMHO
mommyofthree is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 772
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyofthree View Post
Not sure what drug it was but it was 10 years ago. Im assuming he has not done it since?

I think If it were me I would let it go at this point and I know to say it is easier than doing it. I mean its been a LONG time .He did not cheat (no time limit on that in my opinion) and hes clean now so I say let him know you know and then try to let it go. JMHO
That was my full attention until he literally played stupid.... I could so tell he was lying that is the part that pisses me off... why not just come clean since she told me

So seems with the amount of likes that many of you think she has an alternative agenda... any thoughts on that???? I would like to hear it. She doesn't live near us. (in fact several states away). They don't talk, even on the telephone, etc. What would be her motive?
livelaughlovenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

She may have an alternative agenda... or.. said agenda was already completed ten years ago and NOW she feels ridden with guilt?
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 772
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia View Post
She may have an alternative agenda... or.. said agenda was already completed ten years ago and NOW she feels ridden with guilt?
Maybe... but either way, my husband is being dishonest. He was dishonest then, which I am willing to forgive. But to look me in the eye and lie.... that is an entirely different thing. Regardless of ten years ago or not. I asked him today, he lied to me today, again. (and as I stated in my previous post) I realized for the first time his "lying face" and that I have also seen it another time recently, although unrelated to this issue.

Gaia, I am glad you replied... you have sort of followed my stories since I posted, we are so back and forth.... then this... I wondered too, why did she tell me then... I didn't know until today that she had been drinking

Tacoma: In case I wasn't clear, because I was lied to today by my husband about it, again. He lied to me back then and said he took her home... (when in fact he took her back to our home) and he lied to me today when he said "I don't remember".
livelaughlovenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 07:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

I can completely understand where your comming from. Sure the past is the past but for him to continue lieing... it's the lieing thats the issue.. and if he can't be honest even now.. what else has he lied about? That running through your head? I know it would be running through mine lol. As far as SHE goes.... I'm not even gonna go there... not right now anyway.
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 08:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
mommyofthree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 105
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Yes he lied or is still but my question would be now would be if he comes clean..then what? what is to come of it or will you then dig deeper into details from him? That may be why he is staying quiet....not wanting to be reprimanded.

I agree I would be mad too but some fights are not worth fighting and this may be one of them due to the time span and what it was.

Also...if you argue over this and your "friend" has a motive for telling you know...She may get her way. I say yes its hard I know,Im a person who would want to know from him but its been 10 years and I would make peace with it and move past.

Im the kind of person though that would make SURE he knew I knew and was super upset over this info but that I was letting it go.
mommyofthree is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 08:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
livelaughlovenow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 772
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyofthree View Post
Yes he lied or is still but my question would be now would be if he comes clean..then what? what is to come of it or will you then dig deeper into details from him? That may be why he is staying quiet....not wanting to be reprimanded.

I agree I would be mad too but some fights are not worth fighting and this may be one of them due to the time span and what it was.

Also...if you argue over this and your "friend" has a motive for telling you know...She may get her way. I say yes its hard I know,Im a person who would want to know from him but its been 10 years and I would make peace with it and move past.

Im the kind of person though that would make SURE he knew I knew and was super upset over this info but that I was letting it go.
Thing is... at this point I have chosen to forgive them both, but I wanted his side of the story.... if there is more than what she told me, than she is not a friend.... I'm actually uncertain of her friend status at the moment anyway, but since he "cannot recall" that leads me to worry that something more happened that night, and she wants him to fess up that part of it, and if that is the case, since they both lied to me and hid it this long....... oh... see where my mind goes..... he should just come clean, explain himself, so that we can get on with our lives, and I can figure out what to do with her.
livelaughlovenow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 08:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Gaia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In a swamp!
Posts: 6,986
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Did you tell him this?
Gaia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 08:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
norajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 2,227
Default Re: So I just couldn't let it go...

Quote:
he should just come clean, explain himself, so that we can get on with our lives, and I can figure out what to do with her.
Will you really be able to just get on with your lives if he came clean about what happened that night? Even if it was innocent, you're left with the lying. I think it would be hard to let that go.

At some point, the two of you have to end the lying somehow and be very honest with each other about what is going on between you. If you see that 'lying face' regularly, the two of you have to deal with it.
norajane is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Couldn't Stop Laughing Amplexor The Social Spot 35 08-17-2012 01:43 AM
Couldn't Pay Me endlessgrief The Social Spot 3 04-08-2012 08:50 AM
Did anyone stay-just so the OW/OM couldn't have him/her? sunshinetoday Coping with Infidelity 14 03-10-2012 12:52 AM
Just when you think things couldn't get any worse... McGraw General Relationship Discussion 6 03-27-2009 03:55 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:08 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage