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Resentment VS. Resentment (the new MAD comic)

1K views 8 replies 5 participants last post by  tiredandout 
#1 ·
Our fights start to feel like strips of SPY vs. SPY, out to hurt one another out of spite. I cannot decide whether I am being stubborn and immature or being treated poorly. So I would like to ask you guys.

We are going through a rough round with my husband. He is losing hope for our relationship because he "is not getting what he has asked for" and he "doesn't trust that I will ever change". Many of his wishes and needs (or demands) I can agree to and agree with. Biggest issues since the beginning of our relationship were:
1) To become more sexually involved (this the one I have fully succeeded in at this point, at least we have passionate sex regularly, initiate it almost equally and I do the things he likes — have had some drier patches but now it's going well).
2) To learn to talk more openly about my feelings and not let anger fester. I have read 40 books, every other page on the internet about relationships, written 300 pages of emotional journals and been to therapy. I am by no means a master of it, but getting better and better. I talk to him about my thoughts and feelings and ask him for things I need. More and more, at least.

These were very valid concerns and I have tried to take measures to correct them. But here's the catch: any time I lapse even for a moment, and make an old mistake, my husband gets furious ("I have told you .." etc. ). This, to me, is uncalled for. Want me to change? Encourage it, don't try to beat me down. I have told him this, in a nonaccusatory way, many times. No effect. Yelling at me for not having said anything sooner , when I finally have the courage to open up, is not going to make me want to open up any sooner next time, no matter how illogically it would seem to you.

The third, ever-changing, ever-problematic wish:
3) Talk to him in a clear, positive way. Good, I agree, except that I don't think even he knows clearly what he wants. The language of our relationship is his native language, not mine. He still expects me to speak and understand it perfectly and gets (very) upset if I say something that he percieves as negative. (How am I supposed to know, that saying "Good luck" when he has already started something, means I'm saying he's not going to succeed?) He also gets utterly mad, if I mumble when I'm very tired or don't speak loud enough when there's noise in the room. It's fine to get a bit annoyed that you can't here me but yelling at me seems a bit much.

And the big head-banging problem:
4) When he is mad/upset/something and not saying anything (brewing) he wants me to pet him back to a happy place. I'm having a terribly difficult time with this wish, even though I'm sure in a way I expect the same thing from him. Thing is, in my culture it's perfectly fine to just be quiet all of a sudden — even mid-conversation — without there being any reason to suspect that the other person has gotten upset about something. I am also quite bad at reading people. Hence, 6 times out of 10 I DON'T KNOW that he is mad. I just think he wants to be quiet. I've asked him to tell me or signal it in some way. He thinks it's too difficult. More difficult then getting more upset about me not knowing what he needed? Perhaps I should just tiptoe around him and try to pamper back to serenity when he's mad, but unfortunately my own resentment towards him is getting in the way of that.

I want him to take responsibility over his own feelings. But, he doesn't "buy into that theory".

Apparently, my husband has over the course of a year built such resentment over these issues, that today he cannot stand anything else I do either: He gets upset that I speak in too many words instead of short facts (male-female thing I suppose). He gets upset if I accidentally cut him speaking (I always apologize and let him continue). He gets upset if I take too long pauses in my speach. He gets upset that I'm too forgetful, or that I take a wrong turn sometimes, and he can get upset even when he is not even involved or affected — because in his mind it is "a manifestation of the reason why everything else goes wrong in our relationship: because you forget what I've asked from you".

At this point, him saying that just makes me want to respond: "Just go and marry someone as unforgetting, unforgiving as you then."



But of course I don't, I'm not an idiot.



So the end result is, the over-flooding of negative feedback has caused me to feel resentful towards him. I've tried letting everything go and just being at my very best behaviour, but then when making even the smallest mistake causes him to spiral into fury — I don't have sympathy to be ever-understanding. I didn't get what I wanted either. I don't have my needs met either. I'm not trying to change you as a person yet you don't even like half the personality traits you said you fell in love with me for.

He says I have to give up this "fairy-tale wish of being loved as who I am". Is it true? I understand I must evolve, the relationship must evolve and I can really use dropping some bad habits and learning to open up more. But having spent my childhood feeling like other people don't accept me like I am (which he very well knows) that is something I did want in a relationship. I wanted someone who loves the whole me, despite the fact that I'm not perfect. Is it too much to ask?

Of course there are things in him or his behaviour that I have asked him to change. To help more around the house. To wash his hands more often. And have then been careful to praise him for doing them for me. But at the same time I know there are things I cannot change — even some that I have asked and told him they were very important, but he has said he can't/won't. That's fine, he's not mine to govern. He does seem to think that I am his.



I love him. I know he loves me. When we get along it is really great. But the vicious cycle of one resentment answered with another is tearing us apart. See a councelor? He refuses. Just be the bigger person and change yourself, he will change accordingly? Tried that for 6 months now, it's not really working..

What then?

Sorry for the rant.
 
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#3 ·
Resentment is a relationship killer. This is very important to resolve and avoid.
Yes, this part seems obvious to me at this point. But what do I do? I can work on forgiving myself and letting the past go. Is that then the solution, to just forgive and endure my partner's resentment until he decides that it's time to forgive as well? If it takes another year, I doubt my abilities to last. As I can't force him to change, I can't force him to forgive either. Nor can I force him to read one paragraph about letting go resentment. He seems to have moved in it to stay.

I'll just become a master jedi of forgiveness and understanding then? Wish I hadn't learned the ways of my stubborn mother with her feisty tongue.. :p
 
#4 ·
1. I think he needs lessons in communication. It can be a fine art to interpret what someone says and not assume they mean what you would mean if the situation were reversed. Ie if you say "good luck" then you mean "good luck" not "[insert what HE would mean if he said "good luck" at that point.]"

2. Pet him back to a happy place? So he wants you to lift his bad mood when you don't know he's in a bad mood? Has he advised as well on mind reading skills?

3. Does he admit to any shortcomings or is it all on you?
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#5 ·
1. I think he needs lessons in communication.
Can you come to our house and tell him that? I have tried, in many ways ranging from encouraging to forceful. However, he thinks he speaks fine and does understand me — it is me, who is bringing in the problems.

2. Pet him back to a happy place? So he wants you to lift his bad mood when you don't know he's in a bad mood? Has he advised as well on mind reading skills?
Hahaha this made me laugh so true it is. I have told him it doesn't seem fair that I have to learn to read his mind. His answer is: "I would expect you to know by now how to interpret my feelings (that given) situation" and "You do it too". Well, that was helpful. I am eager to admit that I am by no means perfect. I, however, think the end goal is for me to learn to talk about my feelings and ask for what I need — not for him to learn to guess. I would think he agrees.

3. Does he admit to any shortcomings or is it all on you?
Mostly me. 98% of the time he maintains, that our problems start with me — and escalade because of me. When I try to discuss this further he may say "I know I'm not perfect either", but is then qiuck to tell me that HE however has changed the things I asked him to, while I have not. I generally leave it that because I know saying my opinion would only add fuel to the fire, as my perspective is:
a) He hasn't changed everything either, since he found some things too difficult and outright refused others — and at the same time I have changed several things, just not everything and not perfectly
b) If he doesn't want to change something I try to let the issue go and focus on the effort he makes on other things — whereas his favorite hobby seems to be pointing fingers at everything I do wrong, ignoring my efforts on other fronts.
 
#6 ·
Sounds like YOU'RE doing a lot of changing, growing, evolving...is HE?

HE is adamant that he will not go to marriage counseling or couples counseling with you.
As I can't force him to change, I can't force him to forgive either. Nor can I force him to read one paragraph about letting go resentment.
I take it THIS quote means he is also resistant to reading any books on improving communication, as well?
I want him to take responsibility over his own feelings. But, he doesn't "buy into that theory".
Of course not. It's easier to dump everything on YOU. YOU make him angry. YOU make him frustrated. YOU are the cause of ALL the problems in your marriage. This is a VERY immature attitude. HE decides if he is going to react in anger. HE decides if he is going to react with frustration. He is NOT your puppet. He is a full-grown man who CHOOSES what/if something upsets/disappoints him. Children blame others for their feelings, not adults.

You have to decide how much you can/will take of this. If he is unwilling to see a therapist or even read a book (on his own or with you) to improve the relationship, then the relationship will never improve.
He says I have to give up this "fairy-tale wish of being loved as who I am". Is it true?
No! It is not unreasonable to be loved for who you are. That doesn't mean that every part of you is loveable; that is true for ANY of us! (There have been moments when I haven't liked myself very much!) BUT, a mature, interested, concerned, involved PARTNER will accept and love the VAST majority of you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and will acknowledge and appreciate efforts made to improve the less-loveable parts of yourself. He seems unwilling/unable to do either.

Do some serious thinking on your own (or with a counselor) and decide just how much GOOD you're getting out of this marriage vs. how much GRIEF you're getting out of it. Weigh it all up honestly (sometimes it helps to write it down...+/- columns), and then you'll be able to make a decision that is best for YOU. This is YOUR life and you need to look out for YOU. If you decide to stay and nothing changes, then you're not looking out for your own emotional health and well-being.
 
#7 ·
Thank you, SlowlyGettingWiser, for you reply.

It does seem I have some serious thinking to do. It is really a difficult situation. I can see his side of our problems. I know he doesn't feel good about us. I love him dearly and wish I could spend the rest of my life with him. But it is true I cannot spend my life being blamed for his feelings, attacked by his resentment and not having a partner by my side to tackle our issues with — just an angry enemy.

I'll think about it. We'll talk about it. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
 
#8 ·
What you describe does not sound like a marriage. It sounds more like a military school for wayward wives. Here is the curriculum:

1. Change who you are in 10 easy steps.
2. Mind reading 101
3. How to put your feelings on a shelf and put your husband's feelings first or you will be shot.
4. How to cover marks when kicked in the head by a jackass
5. Mind reading 102
6. Learn how to jump through flaming hoops without burning your arse.
7. How to forget your own thoughts, wants, needs and dreams.
8. Learn how to expect nothing and give everything (this class is a 2 semester class).
9. Resentment 101

The number 10 class is NOT at a military school for wayward wives. This class teaches that you are a good person and deserve better. Love is freely given and should never cost your soul. Marriage is hard, but it's not supposed to be THIS hard.

Instead of petting a pouter, how about a cold glass of ice water poured over his head? It sounds like your marriage is all about his needs and wants and you are like a Geisha girl, raised and primed only to serve him. Does he make you bow? Do you have to kiss his ring? Must you genuflect before entering the marriage bed and once in this bed must you serve your master whether you want to or not?

You were quite detailed in your post, your feelings came out loud and clear. I suggest you read your own words over and over again and even pretend someone else wrote it. What would YOU say to her? What advice would you give a woman in the same boat as you are?

Please don't have kids yet. Can you imagine how critical he will be of your mothering skills? Why did you refer to yourself as an idiot if you spoke up? You are not an idiot.

Was this an arranged marriage? In your culture, does the woman have to give up who she is to make her husband happy? Are you allowed to leave him without being disowned by any family?

You are married to a bully and nothing you do is going to be right. NOTHING. But I think you figured that out haven't you? That's why you came here. I'm glad you came here, you really need some support and a forum to just vent.

Do some soul searching my friend, because another 10 years of this treatment will drive you insane. Your husband is right, there are no fairy tales and no prince charming. But it sounds to me like you LITERALLY married the frog.
 
#9 ·
Instead of petting a pouter, how about a cold glass of ice water poured over his head? It sounds like your marriage is all about his needs and wants and you are like a Geisha girl, raised and primed only to serve him. Does he make you bow? Do you have to kiss his ring? Must you genuflect before entering the marriage bed and once in this bed must you serve your master whether you want to or not?
:rofl:

Thank you, endlessgrief, for you hilarious yet so serious post.

Luckily he doesn't make me kiss his ring, yet at least. As crazy as it may sound, I'm generally considered a pretty strong independent woman, and my culture is made up the alikes. This isn't an arranged marriage, just a very hurried one among two people desperate to find a way to stay together in the same continent. I don't really know how we landed on this cycle. I guess we just both have major insecurities: his make him think he needs to control me, mine make me think it's ok. And we did definately rush into things and didn't have time to get to know each other very well before trying the knot.

No family would disown me for leaving him. I would just be very disappointed in us both.

We don't have kids, thank god, and I would never imagine to bring them into the mess our relationship is at the moment. That has been one thing to bother me recently: I do not want this to be the way our family deals with things. Even if our family won't ever be bigger than just him and me. This is not how I want it to work.

It's certainly true, I will have to think about this long and hard, and read through what I have written here. Thank you again for all your replies, it's good to get a reality-check every once in a while. And one that makes me laugh, all the better. :D
 
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