General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am preparing to have an honest discussion about my feelings with H. Our crappy communication has let us to a crappy place. I am no longer feeling love/sex and very vulnerable to an affair. Nothing has happened yet, but I fantasize about other men and leaving H for a while now.
I'm trying to fix the marriage before throwing in the towel, and one of the things I need from him- is a true strong connection, a deep friendship, and emotional closeness. That is for me, the main thing missing.
My question is: He is not close like this to anyone, nor has he ever been! Looking back, I don't think we were this close when we got married, I guess I thought we would build to that.
I don't know if it is possible for him to be this way. Or is it? When I tell him I need this, will I be asking him for the impossible? Can an emotionally distant person change?
Without knowing HIM, it is IMPOSSIBLE to say. But, you are doing the right thing. Unless you and he are willing to be open and honest about your problems, what you both want/need/are willing to do to change things, your marriage will remain as it is.
Have the talk. See a counselor short-term to sort out your feelings and get a professional's opinion on the prospects for the future of your marriage based on past behavior and the talk you have with H.
I give you kudos for taking action and making a last-ditch effort to improve your marriage INSTEAD OF just having an affair...which would solve NOTHING and may you feeling disappointed in/less respectful of YOURSELF.
Good luck and let us know how the talk goes. Wishing you well!
Sounds like my marriage. You should talk about it and see if he's willing to get counseling. Some people don't know how to get close to others and/or they are too afraid to do so. This needs to be addressed. I'm in the same situation.
Try to fix this with him first before you leave or cheat. Cheating doesn't solve anything.
I am preparing to have an honest discussion about my feelings with H. Our crappy communication has let us to a crappy place. I am no longer feeling love/sex and very vulnerable to an affair. Nothing has happened yet, but I fantasize about other men and leaving H for a while now.
I'm trying to fix the marriage before throwing in the towel, and one of the things I need from him- is a true strong connection, a deep friendship, and emotional closeness. That is for me, the main thing missing.
My question is: He is not close like this to anyone, nor has he ever been! Looking back, I don't think we were this close when we got married, I guess I thought we would build to that.
I don't know if it is possible for him to be this way. Or is it? When I tell him I need this, will I be asking him for the impossible? Can an emotionally distant person change?
The one thing that concerns me about your post is that you might be going against your own efforts to fixing your marriage by fantasizing about other men and being vulnerable to an affair. If possible,
1. Do not think about other men while you are still married
2. Give your marriage a chance to survive by seeing if you can work it out with your husband
3. If it doesn't work divorce him
4. Fantasize about other men and look for someone else
(Note: If you consider other men after leaving your husband, it will not be an "affair" or "cheating" and you will not get the guilty feeling you would otherwise get)
Eowyn, that's a bit like saying "don't think about penguins." See what I did there?
Thoughts and feelings happen -- they aren't good or bad, they just are. But actions are completely within her control, and I think we should give Julia credit that she is trying to take action now to forestall an affair.
Julia, counseling would be good. It may well be that he cannot give you the emotional depth that you crave -- maybe he can. One suggestion -- some men don't have the emotional vocabulary of women, and he may not even know what you mean by "emotional closeness" -- think of what it means to you in specific actions -- sharing details of one's day? Sharing one's secret fears and hopes? Having private jokes? Try to think of specifics that you can ask for to help him understand what you need. And good luck!
I don't know, I suppose so with lots of time and counseling. The first thing you all will need to do is to get to the root of WHY he has always been emotionally distant to begin with.
However, what might mean an emotional bond to you might mean something different to him. So you will need to communicate to him exactly what you're looking for. People can't give what they don't have to give. Unless of course they learn it.
The first thing you all will need to do is to get to the root of WHY he has always been emotionally distant to begin with.
HIs Emotionally distant father that left when he was 13 to start a new family. Never said I love you, never called, etc. Although as of last week his father did call crying, said "I love you" and apologized for being a bad father.
Fantasizing about other men has gone on for years. To be honest, I thought it was normal! I thought that it was a biological thing, like "monogamy is hard, and unnatural, fantasies are healthy".
While I see that statement might be somewhat true, I now know that it's a bad sign that I never fantasize about H. He should be in there sometimes! I just don't see him that way.
Let's put ourselves in his shoes for a minute. If someone came to you and said, "I'm not happy with you. I want you to be closer to me," would you have any idea where to begin?
Maybe you ask, and they say, "I want us to talk about things more."
So you try to talk to them more, but somehow they're still not satisfied because their idea of "talking more" is different.
I think you could reasonably request one or two specific steps that you can objectively measure. He did what you asked or he didn't. It might be a request to spend ten minutes together each day before bed, for instance. You know if he's done it or not. Then show tons of appreciation in a way that matters to him if you want him to enjoy doing what you've requested.
HIs Emotionally distant father that left when he was 13 to start a new family. Never said I love you, never called, etc. Although as of last week his father did call crying, said "I love you" and apologized for being a bad father.
Fantasizing about other men has gone on for years. To be honest, I thought it was normal! I thought that it was a biological thing, like "monogamy is hard, and unnatural, fantasies are healthy".
While I see that statement might be somewhat true, I now know that it's a bad sign that I never fantasize about H. He should be in there sometimes! I just don't see him that way.
I understand that as lamaga mentions "thoughts and feelings just happen". However in your case OP, I feel that you fantasize about other men when it probably can be avoided.
It is easier to understand a situation where a married woman having issues with her husband comes across a stunning man who swoops her off the feet and it is difficult to avoid the temptation. In this case the "thoughts and feelings" can go out of control and one would need a strong will to walk away from the other man.
However if I understand it correctly, you fantasize over men in general. It seems to be something like day-dreaming, and a self brainwashing that might be taking you further away from your husband. It seems to be something you can easily avoid if you choose to. The reason I want to point it out is since your husband will never be able to compete with the fictitious men you think about and will always fall short of your expectations.
I like your idea about fantasizing about your husband! See if that works. Throw in some imagination... That might help you perceive your husband in a different light
Am I asking too much? 
