General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Thanks eowyn. I appreciate that.
you mention that you see alot of commited couples who care for each other, support each other and trust each other. Can you kindly take me to that place?
are you not involved with anyone? Have you ever been involved in such a relationship? (I hope you dont mind me asking). what was your experience like?
I am married and we (me and my husband) are committed to our relationship. We do have our differences and occasional arguments, fights etc. But that is trivial stuff.
As for the other people I mention, I mainly refer to my parents, my brother, cousins, handful of my close friends and colleagues. Most of the people I know in my circle are happily married, or in a committed relationship.
I am just questioning alot of things about... "things" in general. Lets just say im in a particular kind of mood. i hope you can help me in answering them. Yes, it is serious.
To you, are relationships a thing of the past? What about marriages?
I understand that now, there are LOADS of definitions of what a relationship is and makes it so frustrating and confusing. But really from where I come from or how I was brought up, a relationship is meant between 2 people (in this case man and women) who are boyfriend/girlfriend who support each other, are there for one another, who enjoy going out together and do activities together and so on.
To build a life together in some way. To be commited to one another (and ideally not cheat!)
Do you still believe in this or is this a thing of the past now? How many of you are in this type of relationship? How long have you been in it and what are your thoughts about it?
Thank you
I agree with that. My guy and I were like that, totally. Now I am not sure where it will end up. Brain hemorrhages and comas are odd things. Nobody expects them but they do happen, my guess is that they are never convenient and so I take things day by day. It's a spiritual path, I was on a true path when all this happened so I am taking it in stride, a learning thing. I supported him physically until he got transferred away by his sister-guardian who had no concern for me or the relationship. We have a plan but whether he is ultimately able to stick to his end of it who can be sure. It's not like I was planning to fall for him in the first place, it just happened and it was the same thing from his perspective. He has a lot of challenges and it's kind of clear to me that even before he had his brain hemorrhage he had a lot of challenges, which is maybe why he had his brain hemorrhage. He kept a lot to himself. Not saying that his injury was a good thing, but it was on his path. I only kept it from killing him, and just barely. That was a learning experience in itself, I should have listened to my gut a bit better, maybe his injury wouldn't have been so severe. But since it all happened on a path with true, righteous intent, it is what it is.
Relationships. You think you can frame them according to your intent and definition and by participating in them you have total control, that if you are in love and respect each other then all will be well. That's false thinking. The universe will always have something to teach you. When you love is strong, the potential for suffering and pain and transformation through that is also strong.
But yes, having a friend who is also a lover and an intended spouse. Sure, of course it is worth having. If you have that feeling for someone, go for it. But if you don't, let it go.
No amount of 'doing things right' will suffice for the true feeling.
My husband and I have been together 27 years, married for 25.
For alot of years we were good friends. Marriage was mediocre.
About two years ago something changed. It was probably the kids beginning to move out. Maybe it was seeing so many couples together for about the same amount of time calling it quits. Whatever it was, we decided that something needed to change.
What you said in your original post about supporting each other, there for one another, enjoying going out together and do activities together and so on, that's my husband and I now. We did things together most of the time mainly because it involved the kids(even some of our anniversay dinners were with the children in tow), but now we do things together just the two of us. We picked up new hobbies and activities within the past couple of years that we never did with the kids, they are for us. Very rarely do you see one of us without the other. Even when he works the weekends, I go with him (he drives truck.)
My heart races a bit when I know he is on his way home from work. We talk or text with each other all day long. The dance never stops.
The communication between us is higher than it has ever been since we've known one another and we both feel like newlyweds. We look forward to the next 25+ years of marriage together and work together proactively to keep our relationship thriving. We are committed to one another completely.
Are relationships a thing of the past? No, they never will be, nor will marriages. But I believe that people need to be committed, willing to step out of their comfort zones for one another. I'm not saying all. I am very saddened when I hear about one partner who is still invested while the other seems to be able to walk away callously. I cannot even imagine the pain. The committment needs to be mutual.
I think from what i gather here, these are the rare women who knows what a marriage is, how it works and what commitment is. something I personally value so much and admire. I think that people like you happymrs should be set as a role model.
unfortunately when comparing to todays society, it REALLY hurts me how people are, how they act and behave and so on. Its one of many reasons why I started this thread in the first place.
today, if you were to text each other all day - the other one usually thinks its "psycho" or "wierd" or "too full on" - so many excuses and drama, it baffles me. I just wish the "old" times, if you will, still existed and more "accessible" if that makes sense (more common).
hmm. where are these women when you are trying to find them??
Never looked around for women I can tell you how I found my husband. Ours was a love/arranged marriage. By that I mean, I was looking at proposals suggested by my parents, relatives, matrimony website etc. followed by few lunch (formal) dates. No pressure from family etc to accept any proposal. I was looking for around 5yrs till I finally met my husband. We went out for dates for couple of months and then decided to tie the knot. So it was not a typical arranged marriage, but not dating either.
I checked out some of your other posts lostandfound2012. I know you are looking for the right girl One thing I would like to tell you in that context... I was looking for the right person for around 5yrs during which time I met many wrong people. By 'wrong people' I dont mean they were bad, just that not compatible with me. My advice to you is that even though you might come across few girls who might not have been compatible with you or might not have treated you well, do not form a negative perception about majority of the women, also dont get bitter inside due to that. If you keep focusing on that, you will come across more women of that kind.
On the other hand if you build a positive perspective about women in general and confidence that you will indeed find some who will value you and whom you can happily settle down with, then you might infact find your dreamgirl sooner than you might expect. Positive thoughts can be very instrumental in helping you achieve your goals.
thanks. I appreciate that. unfortunately its more to it than that. and yes I do have that "bad perception" but not my fault and especially what ive been through in the past leaves a bad mark and something you cannot forget or scrub out.
i never get a chance to meet anyone at all. because of how todays society is and that im not "hot" or anything.... but have alot to give inside and i just dont fit at all in society. i think after a long time of trying to do this, that and the other, going all out etc.... you just are at a complete dead end and it gets worse.
anyway, its complicated and I cannot explain because no one seems to really understand but straight away comes up with cliches or blames "me" without real understanding or perception.
anyway, its good to know that you all have someone and are devoted. I guess in the life after, is the only time I know I *may* have a chance.... who knows but ill wait until then. God knows how much waiting ive done!
i never get a chance to meet anyone at all. because of how todays society is and that im not "hot" or anything.... but have alot to give inside and i just dont fit at all in society. i think after a long time of trying to do this, that and the other, going all out etc.... you just are at a complete dead end and it gets worse.
anyway, its complicated and I cannot explain because no one seems to really understand but straight away comes up with cliches or blames "me" without real understanding or perception.
anyway, its good to know that you all have someone and are devoted. I guess in the life after, is the only time I know I *may* have a chance.... who knows but ill wait until then. God knows how much waiting ive done.
Why don't you get to meet anyone Lost & Found? How many years have your been "trying" to find that special someone? Have you had any GF's...how generally does this play out....can you get on the playing field ...do you make it to 1st base? ......what happens?
There is alot of people who are not considered HOT who have a hell of alot to give, I think those who are hot are in & out of too many bedrooms & backseats of cars anyway...that is what you will generally find .....cause they have a mega load of pressuring opportunity & temptation...and with society's morals today, this ain't helping matters.
You sound like someone who is introverted, down on themselves due to past experiences...but yet very romantic at heart..you crave to find that someone special in your life.
Am I right ? And society all seems to be running towards the beautiful, the rich, the alpha....you feel you missed the bus somehow, you are discouraged.
What are you involved in?.. what are you hobbies? start there....Do you have friends? Call me an old fashioned Romanticist, but I believe there is someone for everyone ...if we want it bad enough,if we are willing to work on ourselves to be the BEST we can possibly be --and believe we have alot to give, and are worthy to be loved in return. ....and you'll have to put yourself out there...just be careful to watch for the women's cues.
It is not only the wealthy & HOT who have happy marriages, infact I would even go so far as to say statistically there's are the worse! Look at Hollywood!
To find another who has similar hopes & dreams and wants in life as yourself.. Have you tried the Dating Websites... in this day & age, there are more singles than ever before with hungry hearts. Women are so expecting men to be prowling for sex and nothing more...if you are not doing this...this should be a plus.
Then it wouldn't hurt for you to get the Book "No more Mr nice Guy" ....read it carefully and learn where you are missing it
& see if you fall into any of the traps of suckering up to women....which leads them to see such men as "weak" somehow, less backbone.... Women are attracted to "confidence", some charisma....Looks can take a back seat to this many times.
Thanks. its difficult to explain as no one wants to listen or understand. so im not really going to go into that as to be frank, it hurts trying to even write it all down.
im not a guy who plays games or is a "bad boy" or anything like this. im just me. I also believe in improving yourself for the better (im very professional also and part of the company I work for is all about this - self improvement) but there is only so much you can do to improve yourself and really, others say that it totally is not my "fault" in any shape or form. its just how todays society is that is causing the "problem", but of course that wont change....
...ive tried MANY dating sites over the last 6 years, wasted alot of money and got only 2 dates from it. yes, literaly 2 dates. What happened? They were just wanting to be "spoiled" for the evening because they were bored and the other "preferred" person wasnt available. And they serial date, which personally I dont like.
so yes, ive been single for a total of 7 consecutive years. im not a person that does all these one night stands, FB's and all the demeaning things. that just is not me. im cultured, have a strong upbringing and background and have strong ethics and morals. i just dont "fit in".
its another reason for asking the original question. I *know* what makes a relationship work due to experience and observations and using common sense but today, that does not exist - at least where I reside.
ok.... back to work for me
Anymore posts from women are welcome in regards to relationships or marriages being a thing of the past?
Yes. What you describe is what I expect of an exclusive relationship and definitely a marriage.
My cheater husband's OW had a husband that thinks like you, too. He is kind and sweet and buys her anything her heart desire's, yet she cheated on him.
I am the type of wife who always watched my spending and saved for our future and put my husbands goals first, my husband cheated on me.
I am at the same place you are, wondering if there are any other people who think like me.
At this point, I just want to be alone. I do not want to date or remarry, when I divorce my cheater.
Still, stats show that only 40 to 50 percent of spouses cheat...that means that there are an least 50 to 60 percent who would never cheat.
BTW: the reason my husband gave for cheating was that I am intellectual and his OW was fun.
Well than why does he still want to stay married to me. IMO, it's because the OW just wants to have fun and when my cheater is no longer fun to her, he knows, she will cheat on him.
IMO, they deserve each other
Lastly, when I was single, I never dated because I was bored. I would only date people I could actually see as a potential long term partner.
I did however have many friends who dated just to be taken out an entertained even though they were not even vaguely attracted to the poor guy.
Sorry to hear about your betrayal and cheating. its awful. I dont get why people do this at all but there is far too much of this happening today and its "acceptable" apperently. Well, not in my world.
11Likes
Re: Question for the nice women on here 
haha.
I can tell you how I found my husband. Ours was a love/arranged marriage. By that I mean, I was looking at proposals suggested by my parents, relatives, matrimony website etc. followed by few lunch (formal) dates. No pressure from family etc to accept any proposal. I was looking for around 5yrs till I finally met my husband. We went out for dates for couple of months and then decided to tie the knot. So it was not a typical arranged marriage, but not dating either. 
