General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi thanks for reading, this will be a little long. I would love to get men and women's opinions here. I'm having a hard time sorting out my feelings.
Overview, married 12 years. Wife works 5 days a week in the medical field and goes to school 2 nights a week. I'm a stay at home dad take care of our child and I do some selling on the internet for extra money.
I've complained to her in the past that there is no deep communication with us, she says she doesn't know what I want to communicate about and leaves it at that. I've written her letters, she rarely writes back. She doesn't express anything verbally, but does in actions. She can only talk about anything practical and factual. She isn't expressive. She knows I have a problem with this but makes no effort to even try and that is what bothers me most. Even her best friend told me once that she doesn't talk deeply with her, that it's all surface.
Sex she loves all the things I do to her, but doesn't give any more to me than she has to. She doesn't ask if I enjoyed it enough, she assumes I think that because I got to put it in her that I had a great time. I've told her in the past that I would like new things but her idea is new toys for her. She never comes home with outfits, or goes out of her way to try and please me and attract me. Again she makes no effort towards me and that is what bothers me.
She will leave work and call me and talk for one minute or two, then cell phone records will show that she talked to one of her girlfriends for 5-10-15 or 20 minutes. On the weekend if i'm gone, i'll look up records and see that when we talked she said she had to go, then i'll see another 10-15 min conversation with a girlfriend. No she isn't cheating. I know that. She isn't that type. At work she will call me and only want to talk for a minute or two, like she is checking in, yet she brings books and two of her three best friends work along with her so I don't even bother calling her at work because I get the feeling my call might mean a rolling eyeball to her friends.
Even on a weekend, she or we will take our son out, get home eat dinner, watch a little tv then she seems content to spend the rest of the night 7-11:30 ish reading in bed when we've barely seen each other all week!
We get along, she wants to do things together, but I feel she is definitely putting no effort into what is important to me after i've clearly communicated what I need. Also I must mention that in the last year she's done some pretty personal things in front of me, you know hygenic type stuff you would never do in front of someone you are concerned about what they think.
Are we just too much mismatched? is she too damn comfortable? is she not into me? not respecting me? am I too needy and clingy?
I just know i'm starting to feel indifferent to her and alone in marriage. I've tried the 5 languages book, tried talking to her, writing to her, nothing works because she doesn't even try.
Marriage Fitness addresses this. She's using her friends to replace the intimacy she should have with you. She will lose you if she keeps up the neglect.
Intimacy as in conversation? revealing herself? I doubt she would even do that with them but I could be wrong. I told her once that she has a lot locked up from me in her mind. Not as in secrets, as in expressing emotion. Her response was: "It's locked from ME too." does that sound like a cop-out lie or are there some women that can't access their own emotions? thank you..
Also I should add that she had to have her best friend since childhood in the delivery room for our child with me years ago. And we've been planning a vacation for our family now she wants to bring her best friend that is soon to be divorced and her kids to "get the kids together." what does this suggest to you?
What I wonder is, while there is definitely a passion issue from her end, what would happen if your roles were reversed? Would you guess that it would, or wouldn't matter? Its simple to arm chair speculate that it would. "division of labor" issues have been divisive in my marriage and i've always felt that when we were dating, both working, both relating to other adults, seeing eye to eye was just that much easier. Are friends a daily part of your life, too?
Well I don't think things would be that different in reversed roles. Years ago with less responsibility she was the same way.
I sent her a work email today stating my confusion as to why we are even together, that I feel like I don't know her and only her friends do. She swears that her friends only know so much about her as well. She says she doesn't want anything to change in our marriage and she is perfectly content. She says she can't help that she isn't expressive and that there must be something wrong with her. But she obviously is a perfectly functioning person in all other areas of life.
Could this be the case? or is she just not into me?
you need to let her know while she is content with the marriage, you absolutely are not!!!!
maybe there is something wrong with her. i get the impression she was not allowed to express herself previous to your relationship. maybe as a child with her family or a previous relatioship. she needs to learn to express & communicate better.
make sure she knows what your feeling and what your intentions are if things don't improve. but be kind about it.
i wish my husband had communicated his discontent clearly before it was too late.
I have told her many times in the past that i'm not happy with that yet she makes no real effort to try. Try is all I ask, she will for a day until things go back to normal then slips back to the same old.
Her relationship history is nil. One guy before me that wanted to go fishing before anything else. Family never talked close, she says she wasn't raised that way.
All i'm trying to understand is if she really can't communicate or lazy or not into me.
Maybe you are looking for a less friends/more intimate kind of relationship. She gets more of what you need from the friends she has, instead of you. I don't think its all a "not into you" thing. Actually, the more I think about it, I've come across friends (male and female) who have had difficulty in their relationships where the levels of interest in friends differ. Totally nothing to do with infidelity, unless simply having another person/people in your life is regarded that way. What perhaps needs to be managed is your not feeling jealous of the friends she has, which you do not. It sounds like you'd be taking care of her needs this way, but I would agree that inviting others on your family vacation is a no-no she should appreciate.
Do you two ever to do anything together, w/ no one else? You ought to try that first if havent already.
Also I believe there can be people who are not in touch with their emotions and are "locked away" or whatever. Sure. It's probably not the case she's not into you, but dont know your particular situation.
She's already showing that she wants to be closer to her friends than you, or at least as close. Having the friends in the room when you deliver a baby? That's a husband and wife bonding moment. Taking them on vacation? Same thing.
Maybe she's using the friend as an emotional shield between herself and you?
Rough time myself and wife
