Cherry

My H has beat me, lied to me, betrayed me, etc... Nearly destroying me on so many levels, coupled with a horrible working environment for several years that just ended a month ago, coupled with huge heath problems that nearly ended my life twice -- all this in less than 5 years. I am exhausted. Sometimes I want to shut down altogether, not suicide, just erase everything for a little while. But then I remind myself that its over now. I have a relatively clean bill of health, I love my job again, my kids are healthy, my H has been fabulous for almost a year now, my mom and I have the best relationship we've ever had, I've quit drinking and feel great, life is good all the way around.

And here is the problem --- will I fall in love with my H again? Has it been long enough to expect marital bliss? I want my H, I love my H, he is a good H and father, he is the man I met and expected to have a life with... This kind of life. But I could've done without so much of what he did to me. Am I expecting too much too soon from myself?? How can I communicate that to him? How can I meet his needs for sexually intimacy at the same time I might flashback to him spitting on me a year ago? How can I see him for who he is now? I feel like I'm almost getting more aggravated with him sometimes. What can I do? This is on me, isn't it?

The kicker is my H is ADHD... He has been patient, but I'm so scared his attention span will get the better of him, in the process of my continuing to recover. He told me he thinks its becoming a cop out for me in the sex department. Yeah, a lot of this has come about due to my continuing lack of desire for sex, we have sex, but I lack the enthusiasm like I use to, or the 'want' if you will. I'm sorry, but the physical abuse was pretty bad... Sometimes I flash back to that and its hard to accept that this person you are being intimate with has also hurt you so badly. Can I get over that? I know I'm the only one who can answer that... Just thinking outloud.

Sorry for the ramble, just getting my thoughts out this morning and wondering if anyone out there can relate and suggest what I could do.

2nd_t!me iz_best

i could not even imagine doing this or being able to get passed this.
it must be awful.

i dont see how a person can do something like this then just expect you to forget it and be intimate with them like its nothing.

it makes me angry to think there are actually people out there like this.

it has to be something very hard for you to try and get past.
if you even can.

what these people dont understand when they cant 'understand' the lack of intimacy is THEY put that there, THEY caused this. it is something THEY CHOSE to do.

i hope you find a way to come to peace with this and rebuild the relationship you still seem to want so bad.

good luck to you cherry.

that_girl

How can you love someone who beat you? I am so confused by that

How can you love someone who has treated you like garbage.. no respect, no compassion...why do you expect you will love him again?

That's not love!

__________________

Browncoat

Do you have an IC? If not I really think you should consider starting with a good one.

I've had a LOT of physical abuse in my past (though not in my marriage). The main thing I learned was to forgive even when an apology isn't given. Forgive him every time those flash backs occur, just in your heart.

At first it may just be words, and for a while that's fine... but try to let it be something deeper and more meaningful. When you find there is something blocking you from really forgiving from the heart, that's when you need to find out why. Either really ask yourself those hard questions and dig deep to try and understand the reasons behind your feelings, or get some counselling... talk to a friend/mother even? Perhaps write out your feelings on paper.

Those emotions and feelings though need to be sorted out, and then released (talking to others and writing/saying them out loud really have helped me). If you don't discover where your emotional scars are, and why they are still there, and then forgive. Then it will just stay with you as resentment or fear.

I'm no expert though, but that's what I learned and did to help myself. I didn't have any counselling to help me, and I wish I had.

ArmyofJuan

You are right its not love, its co-dependency.

Mavash.

Just because he changed doesn't mean you will magically be 'over it'. It will take YEARS (plural) for him to live down that kind of abuse and for him to expect otherwise is just more abuse.

And for him to say it's a "cop out" tells me he has little idea the damage he's inflicted. He should be grateful you are willing to have sex with him at all. Geesh.

2nd_t!me iz_best

this is right.

hitting a woman and at least cheating more than once are 2 things in my book that should be complete deal breakers.
though for me, 1 time and youre out at this point.

Cherry

I don't know... I've never been in this situation. I do not envy how my H was raised in life. It is not an excuse, he!! no, it is not an excuse. But I can see why he was the way he was... Coupled with my drinking and his. All of the abuse happened under the influence. Again not an excuse... But nothing even remotely close has happened since the alcohol has been out of the house. I saw a really good side to him during my pregnancy... I figured it might have something to do with not drinking.. so we decided to try it together... And low and behold we actually get along EXCEPT sexually. But a lot has happened between my pregnancy and now.

I hope time can heal... He has told me on occasion he would not have put up with what he did to me, he would've left me if I treated him half as bad as he did me. He can't possibly know what its like to have to heal from this. To know he ran around crack houses screwing Gawd knows what, and then really? I'm suppose to put my mouth on that? It's not every day, or week, or month even that I think back to things, but I do it on occasion.

IC could be in order for both of us. He said this morning that maybe he needs to go see a counselor to understand how this can continue to affect me.. the crack***** stuff is waining some, but its been over 4 years since that's happened. It took me a long time to be able to give a BJ!

Y'all have given me food for thought, I certainly appreciate it.

JuliaP

You are not over it yet. You haven't healed- your body is telling you this by not being aroused and interested in sex with him. You might be able to fool yourself on the outside, but your body isn't having it. You aren't over it. You haven't fully forgiven him. You might never. I hope you can and that he never goes back to his old ways.

I suggest IC for both of you. And if he needs to know that you aren't over it yet- and he must decide if he wants to wait it out - and if he does, it should be without rushing you.

good luck.

TBT

I'm thinking if I chose to put up with what you have,I would have had to stuff a lot of rage.C'mon, I mean this guy beat you and even spit on you and you're still with him,so where did the anger go? Maybe not dealing with that in the proper way is whats stifling your sex drive now.Jmo as I'm nowhere near an expert on the subject,but have seen similar issues acted out in my past.Take care.

__________________
"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis

sinnister

Just make sure you're not giving away your soul for this. The essence of what and who you are just to make things work. What you've said here is.....unthinkable.

Cherry

Update: So for this week, I figured out what made me so angry with my H again... The end of his DUI probation was coming up and it brought back all the BS feelings, emotions, etc... that I've never really discussed with him. I was angry at him because we had finally dug ourselves out of the hole financially and the courts tell us that the fine for his DUI has to be paid in full before he can get off probation, plus costs to get his license reinstated. Big chunk of change that once again wiped us out.

He got this DUI at the very end of our separation, and part of the reason he wanted to reconcile, he was getting ready to lose custody of the kids and get kicked out of the marital home, with me getting the marital home and primary custody of the kids because of his DUI and the other 3 charges from that night... At that point in our divorce case it was becoming pretty clear to the judge that he more than likely was the problem and I wasn't fabricating my divorce complaint... He was fabricating my drinking issue though - irony, he accused me of being a violent alcoholic and he turns around and gets a DUI and a felony assaulting an officer? Everything came sweeping over me again. The ***** he got with nearly immediately after I got banned from our house for my drinking problem. It reminded me, I have questions about everything... How could a husband get his own wife kicked out of her house, get full custody of the children and start fvcking around immediately, with what appeared to be absolutely no fvcking care for his wife who is now in rehab during this time, because of his accusations and because my lawyer told me I should??? I stuck by his sorry a$$ while he was battling crack addiction, stuck with him for 7 months while he sat in jail, put up with all of his BS to get his life straight only to be tossed to the side while I was left to battle my addiction alone, without my H or without my kids.

In any event, it is over and we had a chat about it, thanks to you all letting me know I need to get it out... He asked me what he's suppose to do to make me feel better. The simple answer is "nothing". We can't take it back, any of it. I'm angry at him, it's still there. I want it to go away, but I don't know if it will... Only time will tell. He told me that he is no longer that guy he was for the first 4 years of our marriage.... I want to believe him, I just don't know if I can.

Thanks for letting me vent (Browncoat for the suggestion to write it out on "paper"... this is my paper )

lamaga

He spit on you?

Oh, honey. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through.

I don't think you should be questioning yourself, I'm amazed that you are still standing upright.

I wouldn't let him near me, but he's not my husband. I'll echo the voices above -- you need to see a counselor.

He spit on you?

Browncoat

I hope you found it helpful, I know it's helped me a lot over the years to write things down. Sometimes if I feel like I need a bit more I print/write them out on paper and burn the paper. It may be small or silly but I found it helps to let things go.

The other big part of forgiveness is time. Large emotional wounds just take time to heal (just like physical ones). It may very well always be with you, I found for me the goal is to get to the point where the "sting" is gone. Where it doesn't ache every time you think about the past. When it just becomes a memory, that's when you've healed.

Not to stir the pot, but your story just seems to get more complicated and dark the more you tell. It sounds like your husband may have gotten back with you just so that he wouldn't loose access to the children.

I hope he genuinely shows you love now... because you deserve it for being such an incredible wife through all this! I'm sure you're not perfect (none of us are), but don't let that detract in your mind from what you have done to give your marriage another chance. THAT effort truly is above and beyond!

Oh and vent away anytime Cherry. Always (and sincerely) happy to lend an ear!

Jellybeans

You sound like the typical abused wife.

Sorry to hear of your pain. Most abusers get worse over time.