General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello all, this is my first time on this anyway here goes I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 2 1/2 years, we have two girls aged 2 and 12. My wife told me about two weeks ago she no longer has feelings for me and wants some space to sort her head out. The reasons for this are that our fist child was born when she was 18 and we had only been together 9 months when she got pregenant and she has only told me now that she had wanted an abortion, after the child was born we split for 9 months as she felt to young to be tied down, also about ten years ago I was messing around with another girl but never slept with her my wife knew about this at the time but didn't know until a month ago we had kissed despite repeatdly asking me even just before our wedding to lay all the cards on the table. She has also just stopped smoking cannabis after 15 yrs and is suffering depression due to this and old feelings from both the relationship and her child hood have hit her hard. She has been to counselling for this and has now relised that as she is hitting thirty she is regretting not doing things in her life that she has seen her friends do.And to top it all off I don't satisfy her sexually.
I love her to bits and am really sorry for hurting her in the past and don't want to lose her and have agreed to move out to help her sort her head out. I have told her how I feel and have made more of an effort to help out which she has noticed. I know for a fact that there is no one else.
She also still undresses in front off me but has not worn her wedding ring for over a month.
If she wants space, she should move out. She is the one with the issues. You are positioning yourself badly if you end up divorcing by not being in the house.
You are also facilitating the affaiir you are going to learn about soon by being out of the house.
I really think you need to realize that if she isn't in a affair is about to be. But I think she is seeing someone at least emotionally. Perhaps this guy in fact for her to give up pot for him?
but he dredging up a list of old hurts and resentments, taking off the ring, making changes in her behavior. All indicate an affair is in the mix.
Is she hiding her phone? Is it locked? Is she a FB user?
oh and the I love you, but I don't love you == I no longer have feeling for you == I'm chasing someone else.
Her wanting space == her looking to move ahead in a affair. Sorry but 99.9999% of the time that is what everything you have described means.
Tell her to get her purse and find her driver's licence, it will have all the information there as to who she is.
Gezzzz! Your kidding aren't you?
She no longer wants to be married. Takes off her ring to let the world know. Tells you she doesn't love you anymore.
She's the one breaking up the family, not you. Let her leave the family home if she doesn't want to be married.
Reach down, grab your balls and tell her NO WAY. Bet she'll have a hissy fit when you tell her that and ruin her plans to screw you over.
You can move back in, claim your home, and tell her that you want to work on the marriage in a positive way and you can't do that by moving out. Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you.
She is free to move out if she chooses, but she has no right at all to ask you to leave, or to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong and guilt you into leaving.
There is someone else in your relationship. You cannot work on your marriage while there is an affair going on. At the very least you have to validate for certain that there is not OM. BUT this sounds like there is or will be shortly.
Do not leave the home and do not give her this space by separating. Having no ring on is her way of asking for an open marriage likely in preparation to just leave you.
LWL, sorry you are here. You know it is an affair and are afraid to confront it. Doesn't technically matter whose house the name is in, its your home too and you have every legal right to live their until you sign a separation agreement or a judge orders you out.
The reasons your W gave you for wanting to end it are all highly exaggerated and embellished, she probably believes those too because she is in an affair for and is rewriting her emotional history of the marriage. Put voice activated recorder (VAR) and a GPA tracker in her car and find out who the OM is, get whatever you can from her phone records, computer history, phone backups, and when you start finding stuff do not confront until you get all the truth for yourself - don't let her control the breakdown of your marriage with her trickle truth. Whatever you do right now is not "controlling" it desperately trying to keep your marriage in tact - and either way its all you can do.
Once you have the details and the identity of the OM expose the affair to everybody who has a right to the truth - your W's family and friends, the OM's W and his workplace if necessary - go nuclear if you want to have anything left to salvage after this all goes down.
Or if you decide now you wouldn't want to reconcile with a cheater anyway then don't bother digging, assume the worst (because that is probably the truth) and file for divorce. Give her the freedom she's asking for, let her move out, let her go and do the 180.
It is all overwhelming for you right now I'm sure, many of us on this site went through similar ordeals and we are not trying to be bitter or resentful in our advice to you, trying to kick you into gear to save your marriage and/or your own sanity.
Does you family live there? Then you do too.
Unless
1) You have disrespected your marriage and she has fair reason to want you out.
2) Your OK with her deciding on her own whats going to happen to you and your kids.
3) You'd rather give her a D and won't fight.
If none of the above. Stay in your house or you will give up your advantage to fight for your marriage.
By the way? Not to say it's so, but are you smoking pot too? After that many years, it's a big step for one to take, breaking free from that lifestyle. She's seeing things that she never saw before...that includes you too. No?
Your wife just found out that you kissed some chick before you married her. She specifically asked you about this woman and you repeatedly lied to her before the wedding. Again, this is old news to you but she only discovered your deception one month ago. The wound is fresh to her and would explain her very odd behavior. She obviously hasn't been forever unhappy with you. She made two kids (many years apart) with you. She's in the midst of counseling which is causing her to confront things. She's going to act a little strange. I wouldn't just immediately assume there's an affair going on. My wife's not having an affair and she says and does strange things all the time.
17Likes
Wife want space 
