Dalebot

Edit: I realize it's quite rude to post as soon as I join, but I'm in a corner here. I have no one to talk to privately, that I can open up to...and I'm rather desperate for some solid advice from people who've been married longer than I.

I've been married for two years now, my wife is in the military (desk job), and I'm a spouse. I run my own business from home and on occasions I have slow periods. We live in a foreign country, so getting work (worth time/money) outside of the gate is next to impossible.

That aside, my wife and I have been fighting more and more as of late. Mainly it's little things that set her off. Today we were cuddling on the couch when the suggestion of dinner came up. She suggested I make some chicken paddies. I told her we had one left and that she should have it. Bam, she instantly flys into a rage saying that I'm childish for not putting "chicken paddies" on the grocery list. Yet hey that's not the best part.

This morning, before I went out to a convention (trade show to work) I made her breakfast. Not expecting anything in return, just being nice. I open the fridge, and in this house if you see a pack of bacon in the fridge and not in the freezer it's typically fair game to make. Well I open it, make some for us...and go about the day. Whilst I looked for something to make for dinner, I noticed in a drawer in the back of the fridge an opened pack of Bacon I had no knowledge of I told her of this, and she called me a child for being so wasteful and not looking through the fridge for bacon. She then goes on a rant (which at this point I begin thinking of either hitting her with a frying pan, or hanging myself...seriously) she then shelves the idea of making a chicken paddy to then make meat wraps. Well now apparently since I didn't read the directions to open the bag (it comes in a plastic container, with the meat in a plastic bag inside), I'm a child and that I should just go away...well I go sit on the couch to vent...she comes back with just dinner for her with the comment "I'm not making you one."

That's cool really...I go into my office to just decompress and just lose myself by staring at the wall. She comes in 10 minutes later with the kick to the groin comment "do you have anything to say"

I'm sorry, really I am...but this woman is driving me to the point of either I want to just leave her, or hang myself. I can't stand being around her like this...she just fights over the most petty things possible and ruins any chance of me wanting to be nice to her. Hell she constantly complains I don't do things to woo her, or surprise her. Yet why the hell would I want to do anything when I'm constantly called a child for these petty things, and yelled at for forgetting to put chicken paddies on a grocery list. So now I'm playing with my wedding band and debating if I should just...walk away from her, kill myself, or suffer in silence until I really do just give up...I've even suggested to her that this is all petty...but she just doesn't see it at all.

Also am I insane by thinking it's not healthy to organize your dvd collection at 7:30 in the morning whilst your husband just made you breakfast...I mean she's not even dressed and she does this.

Maricha75

Ehhh the DVD organization isn't THAT unusual... I do crazy things like that when I wake up, before getting dressed. But what stuck out to me... she sees you as a child. She implies that you can't do anything right, because you are childish. And you are putting up with it! It goes both ways. TELL HER IT IS UNACCEPTABLE!

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Prodigal

No, it is not particularly unusual for people to join here because they are in desperate need of insight. It is not rude to seek help when you feel boxed into a corner.

How about work inside the gate? When I was a military spouse, I had "spousal preference," which meant I could be considered for jobs on base ahead of any civilians. I didn't care if I worked at the commissary as a checker, it passed the time. Has your wife ever been deployed and gone TDY?

Don't be sorry. You feel what you feel. Your wife isn't here posting, so I don't have her side of the story; I have to go with the information you are giving me. Has she always been a beyotch? Has she always been a complainer? You have said you want to hang, or kill, yourself. I'm asking your seriously: do you think suicide is an option, or are you just to the point that you want to start kicking down doors?

Either way, it isn't healthy. Do not suffer in silence. On the other hand, don't come out shooting for bear and hollering at her. Ever considered getting a low, soft voice and telling her how she makes you feel? No emotions showing. Just TELL HER. If she starts getting loud, you walk out. No further explanations.

It WILL get her attention. I am a very quiet rage-type. If I'm yelling, you know you are safe. When my voice gets small and low, that means I'm getting very serious indeed.

Regardless of how I handle my issues, you are at the end of your rope. Tell her you are at the end of your rope. Do not argue. Do not go 'round and 'round about minutiae. Speak your mind, walk out the door, and stay gone for awhile.

Either you are a super-nice guy who has become a doormat, or your wife is under some terrible stress, or your marriage is hitting the skids. I dunno. Any chance she is "friends" with a co-worker? You know what I mean when I say "friends." Is your sex life lacking? Or has your wife always been like this?

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

uzername

Is there any way for you to get counseling? Either for yourself or together? It sounds like you are depressed because of the situation (or maybe just because?) and there's something going on with her that is making her so easily angered. Is she looking for a fight? Have you ever yelled back at her or simply walked out the door when she acts like that? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself a bit more.
One last suggestion, is it possible for you to take a break? Take a short vacation (by yourself) to visit friends or family? Sounds like you could use a breather.

JuliaP

Does she come from chaos? It seems like she has emotional boredom- She needs something to argue and fight about, something to be chaotic- and since there is nothing major- she will create this chaos out of chicken patties and bacon.

sights2

settle down. youre in a spot. step back for a moment. breathe. you married her for a reason. maybe it's not a good reason. maybe it's the best reason. settle down for a sec.

what's going on? you know what you dont like - why is it happening?
what's going on with her? her family? her job? maybe her physical appearance? what's changed?

Dalebot

Here's a fun update.

This morning I made her breakfast, and choose to stay distant. Simply responding with one word or two to anything she asked and moved on.

Before she walked out the door for work she said this "hopefully when I get home you'll stop pouting and talk to me."

Sure I can let that pass, but today I mowed the lawn and she came home whilst I was cleaning it out. She asked me why i did such a horrible job (we have a large lawn, with my dips..typical military housing.) I told her that maybe she should do it for a change. She told me she wasn't mad and that I shouldn't yell at her on the phone because the lawn mower might be broken...and that I should apologize.

Yet here is the real kick in the pants, I told her "so you can over react over a pack of bacon, and expect everything to be fine the next day without so much of an apology." She told me "I'm not going to apologize to you, not now, not ever." I went inside and took a shower and contemplated the dozens of ways I could leave her...

I'm going to give her an ultimatum. Mainly that she can either learn how to say please and thank you, and consider not over reacting over petty stupid things...oh I'll go back to the states and leave her alone.

Oh and yes my sex life is horrible. We "make love" once every month or so...and it's mainly her on her back looking as dead as possible and when she does "have an orgasm" I know she's faking because she's looking at the window and her heart isn't even beating hard at all like it used to when we were dating. She doesn't laugh at my jokes anymore...and frankly my opinion means nothing to her. Yet she loves hanging out with, and laughing with one of her male coworkers

swedish

This is concerning. So far, what you have posted sounds like there is built up resentment on both sides of your marriage. As others posted, I didn't think anything of the organizing DVD's as odd either (I do the same sort of thing) but the petty nit-picking implies a larger issue....has she come out and said why she is so annoyed with you? From the way she speaks to you it sounds as though she has lost respect for you and almost appears to find you incapable/careless?

Is she hanging out with him outside of work? Just the two of them? If so, she could be magnifying issues at home to justify her hanging out with him.

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

lamaga

OK, I think you know that it's not about the bacon, and it's not about the chicken patties, and it's not about mowing the yard. These are placeholders which are being substituted for the real issues causing the anger. What are they? I don't know. There are some serious issues in your marriage that you guys need to discuss, preferably with the help of a professional counselor.

Prodigal

I think you should start investigating this male coworker she hangs with, because my take on what you have posted is this: (1) your wife lacks any respect whatsoever for you; (2) you have become a doormat; (3) she is having an affair with her coworker. One or all of the above hypotheses.

If you give an ultimatum, be sure you back it up. Empty threats mean nothing. JMO, but I'd put money on your wife having an EA, if not a PA with her work buddy.

You are being treated with contempt and your sex life stinks. Time to sit down, get that low-level, serious voice in gear, and spell it out to your wife. I hope you do it soon. Time to get closure on this situation.

Please keep us posted. Yes, you need to vent, but you also need to have a marriage that is mutally respectful and fulfilling, or you ain't got no marriage!

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Dalebot

It just gets better and better.

Today I went ahead and realized that after her comments earlier in the backyard, that I wanted to go out and have a board game night with a few friends. She told me no, that I shouldn't...I went anyway...and turned off the phone.

It felt good.