manon7

Hello all. I am new to the forum and I am glad I found it.
I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 8 months.
I will start with the positives. He can be kind, gentle, funny, he gets me, hes supportive of my career and loves my child as his own.
However, I am starting to really become concerned about his character since living with him. I am concerned he may even e bi polar (his father is).
We are in different places with our careers. I am an established attorney and he is a Stage Hand. His passion is music and he is in a band. I love his artistic side and have been supportive of his ventures so far, which includes 3 tours in the USA and a European tour (he is away now for 6 weeks).
The band is signed, but do not have a serious fan base or following. I made it clear to my husband that if he wishes to tour, he must cover his rent/bils at home first (he has seperate bills too, student loans etc).
he could not afford to go on tour, and went leaving me to cover his portion of the rent and his utilities. We also have a dog, and he lkeft me to cope with that as well as work full time, take my daughter to school etc. I have had to hire a dog walker for 2 days per week.
He is on tour now, and last night I called him and he was drunk (we always talk after his gigs). I felt it was very selfish, while I am here doing everything. I keep seeing happy pics on facebook too, which is irritating.
His argument is that there is a good chance his band will become big and he has to try this.
I am starting to feel resentment. I feel like I am doing all the giving, and hes taking.
Aside from the music issue, he can e very unmotivated and lazy around the home, and obsessively watches music videos, when hes not at work.
He has started coming home late, almost rebelling. He smokes pot and drinks alot. I dont do any drugs and rarely drink, in fact pot is not allowed in my house which irritates him.
Since being on tour we have spoken every day but he seems very distracted, hes has not really expressed that is is missing us. I feel like I have to question him.
I think he is depressed. He gets very angry sometimes when hes frustrated and says the meanest things. In his last outburst he called me an old bitter hag, said I nag, that he does not want to be married etc, he constantly takes his ring off to hurt me. Once calmer, he apologises and says he did those things purely to hurt me.
I am a very confident woman generally, but I am finding I am doubting myself and our relationship. I feel he eneds me more than he wants me. I am responsible, financially secure, have no debts, a good career etc.
He says he cannot imagine life without myself and my daughter but constantly keeps screwing up (its almost destructive). He says he will be home at 10.30 after band practice, then walks in at midnight high. I get upset and he says I am a nag and uptight..thats the cycle.
Any advice appreciated.

confusedwithconflict

If his father has it, it is likely he has it as well. My mom has it and all three of us kids have it in some form. I cab tell you it does affect the ability to really perceive another persons feelings and take them into account. Has he seen someone in regards to the bi polar? It really helps focus once you're on the proper meds. I assume you have told him these things bother you, how does he react? Does he change for at least a day? I do feel you on the band touring, my H is about to sign a contact to get signed and I too worry about the times he will bs away and I can't be there. Personally I am a bit bitter about it because he is married now and I feel should focus on that, but at the same time I know he loves it and its always been a big part of his life.
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manon7

Hi
Thanks for the reply.
He does listen and yes, he will improve on things. BUT this is very much on his terms, if it suits him. The touring generally i am ok with, it is his passion and I do not want to stifle that. This tour I am irritated with as he could not afford it...left me with his rent/bills etc...thats what irritates me, not the actual tour. We are apart for 6 weeks, and it does not seem to be affecting him (althhough to e fair, i know men cope difefrently at this ort of thing). its almost like hes withdrawn over there, he does not e mail, rarely calls. I have a call card and have to call him.
The bi polar issue troubles me,I will try and approach that with him.

Gemwas

One of the biggest problems I feel is here. Is the Pot. I can say what I am about to with experience, as I have been clean of it now for 2 months after ten years of smoking it with a passion. I also have immediate family with mental health issues ( Mum with depression and anxiety, Brother commited suicide )

Regardless of the legality of it, what some people dont know about it is that it is not like any other drug in that it is the only "fat soluble" drug in existance. it stays in your system affecting you for up to a month, having been absorbed into your fat and muscles. Not your blood stream like the rest that get filtered out pretty quickley. If your husband is smoking it reguarly then his body and mind is permanantley stoned, wether he feels it or not and its affecting every part of him.

I was selfish, moody, depressed, fat, unhealthy, de motivated, snappy, emotional and really really nasty to those that I loved more than life itself. but i was also very successful, so I was under some stupid impression that smoking didnt do an ounce of harm, I didnt lay about unemployed and I worked for everything I had including for the money I paid for weed. It was only when I went through a tough patch with money, came off it then back on did my husband sit down and say " I love every bone in your body, when your away from weed I can not imagine ever leaving, when you have weed I cannot imagine ever staying. You are not a very nice person at all". I took this on board, havnt touched it since, and while sometimes its a struggle, i have never ever been happier in myself. I wake up in the morning able to think clearly and breathe.My priorities have changed and im now looking forward to the rest of my life.

Pot is not a harmless smoke after a hard day. Your Husband is not all these things he is showcasing. He is just stoned.

Mavash.

You need to read up on codependency. You are funding this guys frat boy, party, single life and you need to figure out why so you can stop enabling him.