kimura

I am at a loss and I need some feedback from some unbiased people. I'm fed up and I just don't know where else to turn.

Basically, my live in boyfriend works in a hospital. I work in law enforcement. So we both work in fields where we are surrounded by people of the opposite sex. This will inevitably lead to opposite sex friendships. I'm ok with that. After almost 15 years of working around cops, I'm pretty good at maintaining my boundaries and keeping things on the up and up. I always do my best to be respectful of their romantic relationships. And I always keep my distance out of respect for my boyfriend.

However, he has a couple of female friends who are entirely inappropriate. One of them is particularly bad. I have lived with the idea of "that's just how she is" for close to 2 years now, but once she became openly hostile towards me, I just got plain difficult. Several months back, she said something that offended him and he cut her out. My life had been so much easier. Recently, however, we were at a gathering and she was there. They made up. The entire night she was trying to shove alcohol down his throat and was putting her hands all over him. Again, I got "that's just how she is, she doesn't mean anything by it". Whether she does or not, it's rude and disrespectful to me. I would never in a million years behave in such a way around a male friend's significant other. But for some reason, it's okay for this girl.

However, what's not okay for me is to stand up and say something about it. I am not allowed to confront her and tell her to please stop. I was told to "not make a scene" and that "not everyone has to like you". I feel as though my feelings completely didn't count. I told him that I don't blame him for her behaving like a tramp, but I do blame him for not having my back and telling her that it's not okay. The other thing is she is constantly inviting him out, and I feel entirely unwelcome.

I hate this situation. It's not that I think that he would do anything intentionally bad, but from what I've seen he has no ability to tell her no. The only time he would stand up to her is if she insulted HIM. Her insulting behavior towards me doesn't seem to be a problem. If there were enough alcohol involved and I were not there, her lack of respect and his inability to maintain boundaries seem like a recipt for disaster. He doesn't see this AT ALL. And I seem to keep saying the wrong things to try to deal with it and making it worse, coming across as a crazy jealous person. The sad thing is I am VERY good about reading people in general. I tend to be right about their intentions. And he still hasn't learned to listen.

Any ideas? In particular guys who may have an idea of how to address this in a way he can understand?

Browncoat

I don't think it's too much to ask that either of you have veto power over any specific opposite sex friends. You should both respect each other's veto.

I also think it's unacceptable that he would not flee from a situation where another woman is touching him. I may give those hello hugs to women sometimes at church... but that's public and in no way intimate. This sounds like another animal altogether. Ask him to simply walk away and/or push her hand away whenever she does that.

kimura

Thanks for your feedback. He and I are not married, but we might as well be. We've been domestic partners for 10 years now. I would hate to see something like this come between us.

Peachy Cat

ANY TIME a man is choosing another woman over his wife/mate, he's crossing a line and heading for an EA.

You have every right to question his attachment to her--the fact that they get a little "miffed" at each other when they feel insulted by the other is NOT NORMAL behavior for "just friends".

Are there any other "red flags"?--late night texting, hiding his phone, deleting his emails??

If not, it's early on and you have a very good chance of nipping it in the bud right now.

If so (red flags, that is)--it's time to get serious and take a look at what might be going on as far as an EA/PA.

Good luck to you--I've been in your shoes, more than once

kimura

Funny, I never thought about that with regards to them being "insulted" like that. It's true, though. No late night texting as far as I know. But he works nights, so I have no idea really what goes on there.

She's an absolute wreck in general, she's 39 and behaves like she's a 22 year old drunken sorority girl. So I come across as a no fun wet blanket compared to her, I suppose.

She has a restraining order against her meth junkie ex boyfriend who stole her truck. The only time she's ever been "nice" to me was when she wanted my law enforcement expertise.

When we were at a bbq this weekend and that's where they "made up", and even my almost 14 year old daughter was aghast at her behavior.

SabrinaBlue

Ask your partner this: would he be okay with a co-worker pawing at you, plying you with drinks, and inviting you out alone?

Peachy Cat

Ahhh, she's a "damsel in distress" and he's her knight in shining armor. Others will come to this thread and give you some good tips on ways to check out exactly how far along in this "relationship" he is.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know EXACTLY what it feels like to have some f-ing sl** throwing herself all over your husband, insulting you and basically smirking over his shoulder at you... while she's winning the covert war for his attention and loyalty. I know EXACTLY what it feels like to watch your husband defend her and make you out to be "controlling", "jealous" and the "bad guy"... while he pulls further and further away from you.

Thinking of you...

kimura

Thanks. That's exactly how it feels. He's been so quiet towards me the past few days, and when I asked him about that, he said it's because he "doesn't want to fight" and I'm just so overly emotional right now.

Half of me just wants to pull away and do my own thing while the other half wants to scream in his face. And I know that neither of those are the answer. But I feel so trapped and unable to do anything about any of it. Every step I take to try to deal with the situation puts me 2 back.

Hicks

He's showing you who he is.
That is, he is a man who does not go to bat for "his woman".
Find someone who will lay down their life for you.

azul

I'm a newbie here and I can tell you, you're in good hands here. These folks have advice that works! I am in a very similar situation. You have to put your foot down and be willing to follow through with the consequences you put down for him.

This is not an okay situation because you are uncomfortable and its not fair to you. You're not a wet blanket because you don't act like a drunken sorority girl. You are a responsible mother who has more important things to deal with, real life. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you. Good luck! Look around this board and heed the advice as it pertains to your particular situation.