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Old 05-14-2012, 05:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sexless

I feel guilty posting on this board, having never participated in the past, but I need some objective advice. Thank you in advance.

I have just been tempted more than ever before to be unfaithful in my marriage. I have never broken my vows and hope I never will, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult.

My problem is: I live in a sexless marriage – I mean like twice a year sexless. I believe that we both contribute to this situation, I just don’t know how to fix my contribution and I don’t know if my wife’s issue has a resolution.

When my wife and I first met and were married, things were great – relatively so. We were consistently active. Not as much as I would like but it was OK. She would do the “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” thing about half the time I was in the mood. Probably averaged once or twice a week.

Pretty rapidly after our first child, the “I’m tired” thing ruled our bedroom. I was understanding. I understood that things change dramatically when children are added to a home. We had a second child two years later only by planning and being very intentional. One of our better weeks – ever.

After the birth of our second child, she was diagnosed with a health condition. One of the common side effects is reduced libido – so, there is the reason for the previous rejections. She has been taking medication that has resolved most of the physical symptoms of her condition since then, but apparently not the libido. I am not sure that is fixable.

Now for my part of the equation. I am no longer physically attracted to my wife. She has gone from a size 6 to a size 18, or just generically – extra large. Some of this I am sure was due to her medical condition, but when she finally found the balance in her meds to treat her symptoms, the doctor told her she was in a good place to now loose the weight. She did nothing. She is not active at all and she never passes up a dessert. When we go to parties, I get embarrassed at how much she eats.

I have encouraged her to find some sort of exercise to do, but she is always too busy (among various other excuses). When we are getting dressed to go to church or out to a nice dinner, she becomes frustrated when her old clothes do not fit, so she shops for new clothes, which bugs me more than it probably should. I would prefer she figure out how to stabilize her weight.

I have really tried to not make her weight an issue, knowing that it is a very sensitive and emotional subject for her, but it is an issue. I work hard keeping my weight in check and only weigh about 5 pounds more than I did when we were married. I am now taking my kids with me to exercise so they get the habit early. I feel a lot of resentment towards my wife and it is ruining our marriage.

That being said, I do love my wife with my whole heart, but I am not passionately in love with her. We are more roommates and parents than lovers and partners. I miss it deeply, and have for over a decade.

Not sure I can live like this forever. I am not sure I want to. Any and all thoughts or suggestions welcomed. Thanks again!

Last edited by psumers; 05-14-2012 at 05:53 PM.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

She might be depressed. Get her on some medication.

My gf lost about 50 pounds after she started taking bupropion. She described the hunger as a feeling of constant emptiness, like she really needed to eat something. With drugs, she only eats when her blood sugar is low.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Dean has great advice!

I know what it's like to struggle with weight issues. I strive to stay thin. Now that I'm not physically able to do any cardio or even walk, I've put on weight. I use to be thin and toned. I put on weight due to being forced to rest most the day. I can do the stationary bike, but 20-30 minutes tops! It kills me and I'm extremely self conscious about it.

It's a fact that most woman's metabolism is slower then a mans. My husband does all the shopping, I physically can not do this task. He's a superb triathlete and races in ironman triathlons, which he is exercising constantly. I was too before I permanently injured my neck. Therefore, he buys 95% healthy foods! I homemake many foods and substitute to keep the calories down.

My husband is still attracted to me and it shows. He works very hard to meet my needs and in return I do the same. Even weighing 100 pounds more during pregnancy did not bother him. I'm one lucky woman!

Losing weight takes both exercise and cutting back on calorie content. I eat 900-1200 calories a day except on holidays and special occasions. I'm a huge label reader, but I still have this extra weight I can not lose. As I reach 40, my metabolism keeps slowing down and making this more difficult.

I've lost 100+ pounds in the past after each child. I was able to burn it off quickly by exercise. After my 3rd daughter I was running 3 miles one week after I had her and quickly was back up to my 6 miles.

Walking with your wife will definatly help. It's great quality time too. My husband has to push me in a wheelchair whenever we go someplace and I find that degrading at my young age.:/

It really sounds like your wife is comfortable with her weight by her eating habits. I would never in a million years touch a pastery or fast food.

My husband is very concerned about my health also. I get lectured once a week about my diet mountain dew intake and I don't take enough vitamins.

Good luck!
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

Thanks for the replies. I think I need to start confronting this, but in a positive way..."I love you and am not going anywhere, but we need to work on what is not working..." kind of approach.

I am very interested in going to a counselor because I know what will happen. There will be massive tears and I will get angry because she is making me feel like crap for hurting her. I think we need a mediator in the room to keep things from disintegrating. She is hyper-emotional.

Thanks again for your help!
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Old 05-15-2012, 01:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

Hello Psumers,
You said you would like to start confronting this situation, so I can tell that you made a choice of working on the relationship. Why is it important for you to confront her? What would be the benefits?
People list some interesting steps that you can take in the above, what else can you do? What would be your first action step this week to get where you want to be?
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yea, uh, ok. A plan. Hmmm. Not this week – this is our anniversary week and we are going out to one of the nicer restaurants in the city this weekend – not going to ruin that for her. She would never let me hear the end of that.

Next week, though, I think I need to sit down with her. (I would like to do this away out of the house and away from the kids, but that is not realistic. It will get emotional immediately.) I will tell her I love her, tell her I want to start a positive journey to intentionally work on improving our marriage. Ask her if she is interested in the same thing. Hopefully she will say “yes.” Great. I would like to go to a counselor. I believe we have spoken about most of the things that have interfered with our relationship in the past and we have not resolved anything. I would like a facilitator in the room who can dispassionately guide us to our core issues and identify ways we can work to address the issues and to whom we can discuss how we have tried to implement the improvement plan in future meetings.

At least that is the plan so far. Thoughts?
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

Alright, next week then. When next week? On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not committed and 10 being committed to your action plan, where would you situate yourself right now?
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I sympathize with your dilemma. I was the fat one in the relationship. It is not an easy situation for either of you. In my quest to learn more about this topic, I found several and informative websites.

Try "My Fat Spouse". You will find support from others who are similarly frustrated. There are posts there from some who have been successful in communicating the need for a thin, attractive spouse to their fattie and actually getting the fattie to lose weight.

Try "Married Man Sex Life". The topic of the fat wife has been addressed several times in past posts. A little research on your part could find you an answer to your dilemma. Pretty much Athol's approach is issue the ultimatum (as a last resort), hold her feet to the fire until she complies or follow through and end the marriage.

I used "The Inner Weigh" to help me with my feelings about food and to get my eating under control. It is a video and is very calming and centering and positive in nature.

Good luck. Again, as hard as it is for you, it is equally frustrating for her.
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

thanks for the info. I will check it out.

I hope it is only about her weight - if it is, then it is my problem and I will try hard to fix it. My fear is that for whatever reason (her medical condition or otherwise) she has no sex drive. I am not going to walk away from the marriage because of it, at least not until the kids are grown, but life in the mean time will suck.
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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GT, I am a 7 right now. Very committed, but not looking forward to it. It will depend on how well I can remove the kids from it.
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless

You know, you kids will be okay with any decision you will make.
My parent got a divorce when I was 9 (my sister was 7) and we are alright. It was hard or course, but I'm way more happy to have parent that doesn't argue. I see both of them loving their partners, and it make us happy.
People that stay together for the sake of their kids it is not healthy for them or for the couple. The kids will think that love is: daddy on the couch, mommy in the bed. They will think that love is arguments, no touching, no kissing....Sad love, right?
You said that you would wait until your kids grow up if it can be fixed, do you really mean it? Do you want to be unhappy and show to your kids that kind of love?
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