My husband says he doesn't know!
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Old 05-15-2012, 02:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry My husband says he doesn't know!

Ok, please bare with me as I think this may be a very long post.

We have been married for 13 years and have two kids 16 year and 11 years (we've been together for 19 years) and we have had many trials and tribulations, from infidelity to domestic abuse but we have worked things out and always managed to come out trumps and keep the love alive and the marriage strong. Communication has always been the key. The abuse stopped 3 years ago and since then our marriage has been fantastic especially over the last year or so I thought. Anyway just to give a little more background...we recently relocated to another Country, 5 months we have been here. Hubby is working, he got the job before we moved and I am still looking for work but finding it very difficult.
About two months ago hubby and I had a fight over money and I was a little upset over the way he spoke to me and I proceeded to sulk with him for about a week. Then when I approached him to talk about the problem he told me "I don't want to be with you anymore". I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say to him, he then said he was unhappy because :
I don't go to bed same time as him;
He gets home from work and I'm still cooking, he would love to find dinner ready;
I sulk too much and he can't live with it anymore;
I spend too much time on my laptop and mobile;
He wanted to know what I love about him as I always seem to just complain about him?;
And lastly he felt we have no common ground, he wanted to know what we have in common if I could name one thing that we share.

I won't make him look like the bad guy coz he is right, I stay up late and only get into bed around 1/2am...I have been meaning to change it but bad habits die hard.

But I am a little shocked as I can't see where all this is coming from, we were so happy preparing for the move and also so close, we moved in January and everything seemed great, so him saying this seems like out of the blue, he has never ever mentioned it before so I am unsure what to do.

For about a week I was walking around quite miserable and in a daze coz I didn't know what to do as we are in a new country and I know absolutely no one, he has three friends from back home...whereas I have no one.

I don't want our marriage to end and so I decided to try and turn things around. I approached him and asked him if he really meant what he said as I didn't want our marriage to end, he said he was not sure as he is so unhappy at the moment and he doesn't think things will change, I am set in my ways and it is not my fault, we discussed a bit more, me also telling him about what I was not happy with - him not helping around the house, us not doing anything as a couple, him not helping with the kids, no appreciation shown for the things I do but pointing out what I don't, intimacy not just sex that its important...we never came to a conclusion but at least we aired alot of our feelings. By the way we do share one thing in common although it is only this year that I have showed an interest in it. Anyway I then sent him an email a few days later:

Hey Babe

Just to conclude our discussion of yesterday...I'm willing to make changes to make our marriage work, I can't be who YOU want me to be but I can improve on the quirks that are bothering you.

I think what it all boils down to is Do you want to be with me? Forget about stuff that is bothering you about our marriage or my quirks. We are individuals and no marriage is perfect so it's only given that each of us would do things that would irritate the other. That doesn't mean we love each other any less, does it? I know it doesn't with me. Do you want our marriage to work? Do you love me? Love is never enough but it does help! Are you willing to make changes to improve our marriage?

I love you and I want to be with you, "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish". But if you don't then there is not alot I can do is there? I can't force you to be with me, I can't force you to want our marriage to work...I will just have to respect your decision.

If we are going to make a go, then we need to set goals and see where we can compromise (if unable to agree) on certain areas. I think we need to tackle where we want changes to be made, maybe write down the most important 5 changes (be it about the other or the marriage in general) and let each other know what they are and work on those first, set aside time to follow up on the others thoughts etc. Once we think we've sorted them out move on to another 5 (if there are another 5) and so on and so forth. No one said marriage was easy you told me so a while back when we were discussing a problem, it takes a lot of work but we have to work together!

I believe after 13 years of marriage with ups and downs including deal breakers, we've still come up trumps (13 years) then we can get past anything.

Obviously if you are not in agreement and have answered negatively to all my questions/suggestions then just let me know and I in turn will let it go!

Your devoted wife


For the past 4 weeks I started to go to bed with or before him (sometimes about 10/15 mins after him). I have been cooking early, when he gets home dinner is ready. I do his laundry, iron fold and pack...before I used to just wash and he would do the rest. We are having sex almost every night and every morning for the past two weeks...I am really enjoying all this so I don't feel like it is a chore or anything, can't understand why I never did it before...the problem is he is still quite withdrawn even at times when we are having sex...he no longer talks dirty and tells me how much he loves me etc. We are back to laughing and talking and almost being comfortable in each others company...I just feel weird as he no longer touches me in and around the house like he used to, I don't get kisses hello or goodbye or at all. I asked him on Saturday nite, if we are ever going to talk about where we are at or where we are going and he said I don't know, I said if you don't know who will, he just looked at me, I said you have to talk to me we've always found communication helps and we are no longer communicating do you want to be with me or do you want to be single and he said I don't know, so I said ok when you do know I'm here. I also told him I loved, respected and admired him and I gave him the reasons why and left it at that, I said I didn't want an answer from him I just wanted him to know.

I don't know what to do or what to make of what is going on, I love him so much, I feel like I have loved him all my life, we've been together since I was 18 and I've never loved anyone like I love him, I don't think I can. I am prepared to stick it out and see what happens but I am so miserable and cry everyday when I am alone, all I want is for him to tell me we're going to be okay and we must take it one day at a time, for him to tell me he loves me at least, that will be start.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he doesn't know!

sounds to me that he's just not bouncing back. i would guess that over the past 13 years he has simmered about this, maybe even tried to talk to you about it but got the "I am set in my ways and it is not my fault" line. you say he never mentioned it before, but maybe you just weren't listening. so now, he's going through the motions.

how about marriage counseling?
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Old 05-15-2012, 06:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he doesn't know!

Married&Confused, thank you for your reply. I guess you are right although me staying up late only started about 5 years ago. Yes the sulking is something I have always done but I do try...believe me I wish I didn't sulk, I hate it myself but its like I can not control it for some reason.

BTW I don't give the line "I am set in my ways", he is the one that said that when we were talking he said "you are set in your ways it is not your fault".

Yes he did mention the sulking before and I said I would try to overcome it and I have, it has got a lot better. The sleeping thing he mentioned too after a few months of it first starting and I changed it for a few days and then went right back to it.

I guess he is going through the motions and most probably thinking all I am doing will not last long...so maybe I should just give it some time...in time everything becomes clear right????
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he doesn't know!

He's been unhappy about these things for a while. If I was in his shoes, I'd feel happy but also a bit mistrustful right now. I wouldn't believe the changes were permanent yet, and I'd be on guard waiting for you to drop the bomb again about all the things you think I'm doing wrong.

It's promising to hear that you're enjoying what you're doing, but you're doing it in order to keep something you want (your marriage) and never did it for HIM before. This might be worth thinking about.
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Old 05-15-2012, 09:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband says he doesn't know!

Don't know exactly why, but I don't think this is totally about you. I get the feeling he's projecting onto you.

Foreign country? not too many friends? Usually in a foreign setting, we go through a honeymoon period with the newness and then we settle into realizing how different it is and how awkward things are. Many, many people gradually slump into a depression at about this point. Don't underestimate that. Guys generally can be worse at expressing this reality than women. You are the easiest thing to blame yet you are what he needs to stay sane. I think he feels at odds with the rhythm of life in general and you are the closest thing he can think of to blame.
Just a thought.
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