cat577

Recently my DH and I had a pretty major argument over what to get our oldest daughter for her 14th birthday. Her list consisted of money, cell phone and contacts. Turns out he is TOTALLY against her having a cell phone. I wanted her to have one because she is in sports and instead of her having to use someone else's phone to let us know she's ready to picked up she could use her own! I have a prepaid phone and that's what she was wanting. I had no problem with this. She does work for me around the house everyday and she watches the two younger ones when I need her too. She gets money from me for doing these things. Therefore in my eyes we wouldn't technically be paying for her phone right? She's earning the money to buy her minutes with. A while after the argument - he made a comment to her - if you save your money you can buy your own phone. So that is what she did! Granted I had to order it off the internet but she paid for the entire thing. So the phone got delivered this past Saturday and he's been pretty much silent since it got delivered. I'd swear he hasn't said but 12 words since then. Most of those were because I had asked him a question about something. I've been going about my business as usual - he gets this way and this is how I deal with it. I've taught myself to totally ignore it and not press the issue even though it drives me CRAZY! I'm guessing he didn't think she would actually save her money to get the phone. I can guarantee once he's "over" his little silent fit and we try to talk about what was wrong he'll try turning it around on me.... "You weren't talking much to me" type of thing. Why in the world should I try pressing info out of him when I know that he's not going to give it anyway? Over the last 10 years I've just learned to act like it's not bothering me and go about things like everything is normal. Sorry for the long post ... I'm sure I have more so say than this but I'll stop for now!

draconis

By DH do you mean the two of you are divorced?

That changes much about how I'd answer the post.

draconis

Chris H.

I think it means "dear husband" - my wife's a frequent lurker on the baby boards and they use it all the time...

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draconis

Thanks CHris,

Okay here is my thoughts. You are both wrong.

First he is wrong on the phone issue, Does it matter where the money is coming from if you pay here already? It sounds like she really helps around the house too. SO there you are right.

However, you also are pulling "I will do what I want, and you DH can dea"l and in front of the kids no less. This was wrong if it was to come to you disagreeing it should have been done in private as you emasculated him.

One comment often on these forums is that men do not take enough of a role in the house. Once something like this happens why bother.

draconis

cat577

Not divorced... I'm used to using DH (meaning Dear Husband) on other boards I visit. Sorry for the confusion!

cat577

My problem with the whole thing is he told her "If you save up your money you can get your own phone" so she does and now he's mad about it? I don't feel like I did what I wanted - all I did was order the phone that she had saved for. They don't carry the phone she wanted at our Walmart so it had to be ordered. I am just not understanding why he would get mad about it after he already told her that if she got the money saved up she could have it??

draconis

Did you directly communicate everything with him? "DH she wants this and is saving up for this so I want to order it now to show her we trust her."

draconis

tater03

I would agree that if he told her this and she saved up for it that she should get it and not have him give an attitude about it. I am sorry but you sound like you have a very resposible daughter and personally I would be extremly proud for one of my son's at that age to save their own money to get what they really want.

evenow

Hee. It sounds like she called his bluff. That's a cool daughter you have.

Honestly, I understand where he's coming from, but this is something he'll just have to get over. Maybe you can spin it a little and complement him on how he encouraged her to be independent and work for her cell phone (like he did it on purpose). Maybe say how she takes after her dad--if he has a stubborn/workaholic trait or if he likes gadgets.

Sometimes when my DH has made a bone-head move instead of rubbing it in his face I try to look at the positives. It usually makes me feel better and he ends up thinking I believe he can do no wrong. Win-win.

draconis

When a situation like this lacks basic communications some sort of damage control is needed. Parents should be a team. Other wise you have a good guy and a bad guy and who cares what the other says.

draconis

evenow

I do agree, but as soon as he said "You can get one if..." he has to accept the terms he himself set into place.

draconis

She's earning the money to buy her minutes with.

- if you save your money you can buy your own phone.

She hasn't earned it yet that was his argument.

draconis

cat577

So how has she not earned it? She did save the money which is exactly what he said to do?

draconis

First it comes to honestly communicating with your husband. I haven't seen you post something saying you did and reached an agreement.

Second it is about co-parenting and not one person trumping the other because "they feel justified".

Third I brought up what you had said in your post she was saving her money-meaning she wasn't there yet. He wanted her to show responcibility which she had not.

I would feel hurt if I wanted a condition to be met for my child to get something and my wife just did it knowing how I felt.

Last you say he goes through the silent stage, how often do you do this?

Unless I am missing something here?

draconis