General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well, Tacoma and I frequently disagree -- I don't know who your lady love is, but many of us womenfolk in 2012 do not cotton to the idea of someone "not allowing" us to do anything.
It's good that you spoke with her, and she has agreed to stop hanging out with him. So, the problem now is...what again?
Modern men do not cotton ( LOL ) to women who do not respect them either. So completely agree with tacoma. Do not allow this. The way you do this is to not accept this in your relationship. So you did well. Getting this stuff settled BEFORE marriage is the key. Good for you.
Too often people get hung up on the allow part. The thing is that we all have our boundaries. If something is not acceptable then do not put up with it. This would for sure be a deal breaker for me. This advice goes for both genders. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself.
OP, consider doing His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting prior to marriage. Know what your boundaries are going in an do not compromise your true integrity. All that matters is what your baoundaries are. Do not give any mind to what others think about it.
Modern men can deal with women who do not cotton by having them sign a pre-nup. If I had a guy friend getting married these days I would encourage them to do a pre-nup. But the best way to deal with a woman who does not cotton is to enjoy a casual relationship if you like but do not consider them for a long term relationship until they mature and / or can look at marriage as a partnership. Too many wives are really just steady GFs who think of themselves as single and still on the market from other men.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-16-2012 at 12:45 PM.
Modern men do not cotton ( LOL ) to women who do not respect them either. So completely agree with tacoma. Do not allow this. The way you do this is to not accept this in your relationship. So you did well. Getting this stuff settled BEFORE marriage is the key. Good for you.
Too often people get hung up on the allow part. The thing is that we all have our boundaries. If something is not acceptable then do not put up with it. This would for sure be a deal breaker for me. This advice goes for both genders. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself.
OP, consider doing His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting prior to marriage. Know what your boundaries are going in an do not compromise your true integrity. All that matters is what your baoundaries are. Do not give any mind to what others think about it.
Modern men can deal with women who do not cotton by having them sign a pre-nup. If I had a guy friend getting married these days I would encourage them to do a pre-nup. But the best way to deal with a women who does not cotton is to enjoy a casual relationship if you like but do not consider them for a long term relationship until they mature and / or can look at marriage as a partnership. To many wives are really just steady GFs who think of themselves as single and still on the market from other men.
That's exactly the offer that I made to my boyfriend if he were to insist on keeping his friend.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Some people just need to get over it and understand that in a partnership there is another level of commtiment.
That same poster who blasted me for using the word "Allow" strongly suggested that I get rid of my bf. Just a reminder that you always need to evaluate your advice whether free, paid for, solicited, unsolicited....
Boundaries evolve with a relationship and have to be adjusted over time. This is no big deal if the partners are ALL-IN.
Yep if you are uncomfortable about it now and said nothing, by your silence you are approving it and you may have grown to resent it, without her even having the chance to change things.
That's exactly the offer that I made to my boyfriend if he were to insist on keeping his friend.
And you are right. This goes both ways. A woman should not put up with the guys shenanigans either.
It is not about men and women. It is about partners having respect for one another.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Yep if you are uncomfortable about it now and said nothing, by your silence you are approving it and you may have grown to resent it, without her even having the chance to change things.
It is actually the kind and respectful thing to do. Get it out on the table. Otherwise changing things up later is a bait and switch.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
That same poster who blasted me for using the word "Allow" strongly suggested that I get rid of my bf. Just a reminder that you always need to evaluate your advice whether free, paid for, solicited, unsolicited....
Nothing wrong with getting different ideas about things. So its all good. Even when I disagree with folks I do evaluate it.
There can be various points of view that may be valid even when they seem to contradict each other. I get the sensitivity about allow. I really do. But in the context of boundaries I think people need to view it as not alllowing something in their marriage. You have to work through these things together. P
lus getting this stugg out up front will help both people make a better decision as to whether they are compatible or whether the boundaries aid or prohibit them from having the marriage they want.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
It is actually the kind and respectful thing to do. Get it out on the table. Otherwise changing things up later is a bait and switch.
Exactly, its not being a **** or a ***** about it, its explaining about who you really are and what your expectations are, from yourself and your spouse/BF/GF whatever.
I actually had a situation very similar to this with my husband. I was in contact with two ex boyfriends on facebook, one who'd been my only other significant relationship and one who'd been my teen 'puppy love' for lack of a better term. Husband was extremely upset, called me a bad wife, etc, etc. Boy was I pissed. I told him the same thing that other posters had mentioned, that he couldn't control me and tell me who to talk to and that I'd never been even close to unfaithful and he needed to trust me.
After a while I started to look at the situation a little differently. First of all, my more serious ex started being inappropriate in our very first online conversation. Um, yeah - that definitely wasn't going to work. I also began to think that if it really made my husband this unhappy, it wasn't worth it. I wouldn't be over the moon about him chatting up his first love either. So I deleted more serious ex off my facebook and never spoke to him again. Puppy loveish boyfriend is still a facebook friend but most we ever do is like each other's posts and I congratulated him and his new wife on their baby on the way. I asked him if I could friend his wife too, and I think I comment on her posts way more than his, plus she can see exactly what I'm doing and talking about with him if she ever had any questions about it. I think boundaries are very reasonable. If this is important to you it should be important to her too. I mean, if you were throwing a fit about her talking to her male co-workers or just being possessive and controlling that's one thing, but these are her ex's. Her past. You are her present, and the relationship that needs to be respected.
I think it's very wise to consider these issues very seriously before marriage, and not to enter into it with so many things still up in the air. Best of luck to you.
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Re: A Question For Females and Guys 
