lamaga

OK, ignoring most of the comments here --

judging from your post, your wife is dealing with this in an appropriate manner. Your question was should you talk to the guy?

I say no. That's putting your wife in an infantilized role, like you need to take care of her issues. That would p*ss me off bigtime, and it's simply not appropriate. I'm guessing you didn't marry a child, so don't treat her as one. As long as she continues to not return his advances, let her deal with it. She is an adult, and she deserves that you respect her as such.

Toffer

Sorry OP but let ME be clear. There are numerous ways around you here that she could be using. Can you say Pay As You Go cell phone? There are TONS of ways for cheaters to conceal what they are up to! Secret email accounts for example

What I and others here are telling you to do is VERIFY that she isn't having and affair although if you read a bit more on this site (especially the Infidelity forum) you'll see that there are a ton of betrayed spouses who wished they'd followed some of this basic invesigative tips early on in their marital crisis. They may have been able to stop an EA before it went physical or may have been able to at least learn much earlier that their spouse was cheating.

Please listen to the voices of experience that you have sought out.

iheartlife

He says she is being deceptive about the communications.

I agree he treats her like an infant--that is painfully clear (see my post on the previous page).

But there is zero call for deceptiveness. This is the lifeblood of an affair.

There is this myth that if you express boundaries to your spouse about communicating with a member of the opposite sex in an inappropriate way you are somehow controlling.

That may get confused in this case because this man does have a quasi-parent role in his marriage.

But make no mistake--setting this type of firm boundaries is the very essence of marriage. It is in no way unreasonable or inappropriate or controlling. This is not a parent / child thing. This is a, respect your fellow life partner thing.

WillK

Well, I'd appreciate a little more elaboration as to why you say that.

To offer more detail, OM is OM because it simplifies referencing him on this forum. This might just be a harmless friendship, the worst it could be is him having a crush on her. I don't distrust my wife nor do I think she's dishonest.

He's a flaming liberal tree-hugger, with all due respect to anyone of similar political persuasion, and my wife is passionately conservative-ish. He's a bit of a slacker in a manner that would be a repulsive to my wife.

What he does is express interest in what my wife's up to, and he listens.

Thought it was already clear that I already do.

Seperate subject. Really it is.. Sorry to blow it off, but I don't have questions there and I'm trying to keep my discussion from getting any more length than it already is because I'm at work. I can't simply agree or disagree.

I've been an azz to my wife. Had I continued without my realization this past Sunday, absolutely she'd never come back from the apartment. It's too soon to say, but I have plenty of reason to be hopeful that the marriage will be saved because of my change. I'm not just saying I'll change, I'm demonstrating it. My wife is responding, she's talking where she was distant. She's happy where she was angry. We're working together more. She's listenning.

Toffer

Iamaga,

Most times I see eye to eye with you and it's not that I really disagree with your last few posts (she may not be ready to start a physical affair) but the truth of the matter is that even the OP recognizes the fact that she is CURRENTLY in an EA! Choosing to ignore that and the warning signs is somewhat short sighted.

You're right though, he shouldn't waste time talking to the OM. He should be monitoring his wife's activities to put this issue to rest.

I would be please as punch if he were to come back here in a few weeks time and tell me what an Ahole I am for having suggested that she was up to something because he has irrefutable proof she isn't. I would be happier than all get out to eat my words but from everything he's told us so far, I am having a real hard time believing she isn't up to something (or at the very least, entertaining the thoughts!)

lamaga

Ah, Toffer. I like you too. But I don't think monitoring is the answer. It's rarely the answer. It's a technological response to an emotional problem.

But, we'll just have to see.

seriously_yours

Good point, your question stands.
You should absolutely speak to him
Who knows what he is being told by her. She may be leading him on. Alternately this may all be innocent and if so no harm done. Telling the dude you are working on your marriage and his interactions may hinder that will not hurt you in any way. He might just do the right thing and back off
Not every dude is a D-Bag
Then take the time to understand and deal with the issues you identified in the marriage. SO much focus on catching, maybe the same level of effort in fixing would help ?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
what you do speaks so loud, I can't hear what you say

NaturalHeart

Baby she playing you like a piano. I'm sorry

WillK

Honestly - this is the kind of discussion I need.

You bring up another problem, but it's one for us to deal with in therapy. My parents have never divorced. She grew up with her mom who divorced her dad. She's been babied by her mom before me, when I met her at age 21 she couldn't drive. In our relationship, I've felled a void she's had because she grew up without a father.

I want to be her wife, not her father. She may have needed my fatherliness when we first met, she doesn't now and it's an aspect of our relationship that does need to be dealt with. Frankly, I think that by getting the apartment, we may be able to start our relationship anew as husband and wife and leave behind the father daughter thing. In a way, that's why I don't view the apartment as death's door for our relationship.



With that out of the way, on the original topic. Your suggestion is one I'll ponder.

I think the ideal situation is this: The guy, if it's a harmless friendship, can be her friend. I'd feel better if he was a friend of my wifes and there wasn't this wall of seperation.. Heck, if he's having marital difficulties, maybe we have something in common and we can help eachother work through our wife problems.

I think the best take-away from your post is that if that's a possible outcome of whether I spoke with OM, then it should be something I do after discussing it with my wife before acting on your own.

Thanks for the post, it really helped me clear up my confusion on the subject.

Toffer

Will,

You wrote

"I've been an azz to my wife. Had I continued without my realization this past Sunday, absolutely she'd never come back from the apartment. It's too soon to say, but I have plenty of reason to be hopeful that the marriage will be saved because of my change. I'm not just saying I'll change, I'm demonstrating it. My wife is responding, she's talking where she was distant. She's happy where she was angry. We're working together more. She's listenning"

Sorry but I have my suspicions as will many others who come across this thread later today. She's happy because she's getting her own place and she'll be kid free for 4 out of 7 days! Hel*, That would make my life easier too!

Also, while I know you've contributed to problems in your marriage, i am sure your wife has too. Does she take any ownership?

All the naysayers on here are just telling you to "Trust but Verify". We're not doing it to be bitter people. we're doing it to keep one more poor spouse from being blind sided by the person they trust the most in their life.

I'll drop out of the discussion now since you don't want to follow my line of advice and while I truly hope I am wrong, I doubt it

Best of luck with your situation and while I pray that you don't need to come back to this site in the future (or the Coping With Infidelity forum) please know that if you do, you will be greeted with open arms and understanding, not with "I told you so"

WillK

Well ya know, that speaks to me too. Ya know, while between jobs I've picked up the kids. The dude never seemed awkward around me, he said hi to me. I never got a sense he had any antipathy towards me.

I'm still thinking it might be best to talk with my wife. My only aprehension on that is at this point, I do have work repairing the relationship and that includes winning her back. I do want to avoid things where I'll get emotional in front of my wife.

Toffer

OK, I lied....One more post to Seriously Yours

You said "Not every dude is a D-Bag" I think this one is. If he is truly hitting on her, he knows she's married and has kids.

Therefore, Hitting on married woman = DB in my equation

iheartlife

This contradicts what you said earlier, about you seeing evidence of her being deceptive. So which is it? My spouse is as honest as the day is long. He is trusted professionally by people whose names you would recognize. Professionally, I think he is one of the best at his job that you could find. But when he found someone who was willing to listen to him, any time of day or night, without criticism, without the intrusion of the real world, he learned how to be deceptive to ME. And right quick.


Don't be so sure about that! Most affair partners aren't someone you'd pick out of a line up either. Like the majority of the time, you wouldn't.

That's all it takes to become infatuated with someone. If you read His Needs / Her Needs, it explains it very well. Express interest and care in someone--then demonstrate that you're there for them. The book calls the mix so powerful that it warns that it's a basic recipe for falling in love.

We just want you to learn from our mistakes. You don't have to listen. It just makes me wonder--as the victim of a secret emotional affair that I discovered through pure accident--why ask the questions, then.

Almostrecovered

I think in this case separation means- "I want some time and space to explore the relationship with my EA partner to see if it will work/be fun and keep my husband as the back up plan/financier"

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WillK

This is a matter of using the time I have at work where I am trying to focus my discussing, really I'd have much more to say if time wasn't an object.

The happiness I spoke of is not from the apartment, trust me. Up to last Saturday, every day got worse. Sunday, she started angry - I listened and acknowledged. It was night and day, I made a huge change.

And it's not 4 out of 7 days, it's 3.

Neither of us have been anything other than repulsed by bars or clubs, it's not our thing.

TTFN, time to pick up kids.