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Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
WillK, I know you're at work and don't have time to answer everything.
Can you please clarify the point you made about your wife not being a dishonest person who is, in your words, being deceptive about communicating with this man.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by iheartlife
WillK, I know you're at work and don't have time to answer everything.
Can you please clarify the point you made about your wife not being a dishonest person who is, in your words, being deceptive about communicating with this man.
What does that mean?
I've asked about her texts, she isn't hiding them. She answers my questions and her answers don't contradict anything.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillK
Okay. I have to jump right in on this one, and I've read a post that seemed helpful - and I've gathered a user going by Entropy is a resident expert and I'd be very appreciative of his feedback.
I am an example of what not to do. I had an EA. My wife is an example of how to deal with it.
My wife has reason to be seperating me, she's younger than me and has some growing up to do, and I've been guilty of behaviour problems that are common with marriage.
One of those problems is that we've become emotionally distant.
Let me make clear, that for reasons I won't get into, my wife insists she would never have a sexual affair because it would have consequences for our children who are age 5 & 6. I believe her and trust her completely.
I believe blind trust is some combination of lazy, naive and ambivalent. You make the call. Trust is earned. Marriage is based on Love and Respect. Trust is a by-product. Yes trust is essential, but when folks claim marriage is about trust they are really having the tail wag the dog EAs are chemically based and it all seems quite innocent at the beginning. Nothing going on here we are just friends. Effectively people form a deep emotional bond and then fall in love. We trust our partners not to do that. But they are not thinking clearly. They can be very naive as well. It feels ok.
But one of our son's friends has a dad with whom my wife has formed a friendship. I believe my wife did so to try to fill the emotional needs I should have been satisfying.
VERY BAD!!! Filling needs like this outside of marriage is dangerous. Especially when needs are not being met at home. In y opinion this is very inappropriate. This can move to unfaithful quickly. If you tell her she needs to stop doing this and she does anyway it is by definition unfaithful.
I've confronted my wife about whether she is having an emotional affair, and she says she is not.. I partially believe her, even though I feel as though she's getting emotional needs satisfied by him that she should get from me.
People in EAs are in the fog. I did not realize that my wife was correct until I went through withdrawal. So you tell her that her relationship with this guy is unacceptable. if she resists she is definitely in an EA. Stop partially believing her. That is unhelpful. That is being a nice guy. She may not realize how deep she is in. No matter. The thing is that this stuff progresses very quickly. Like travelling too close to a black hole. This must be stopped early. Put you foot down and insist on no contact. IMMEDIATELY. No fond farewells. FWIW by the time this type of thing is noticed it is usually way down the road already. Squash this today.
As a measure of what's going on, he frequently texts her. My wife doesn't text back very much, sometimes not at all.
She needs to cut him out of her life. She may or may not be contacting him in other ways. But cut this off now. Feel free to tell this guy to cease and desist but you need to get your wife to shut it down first. You do want to start monitoring activities.
I've gathered that he is separated from his wife.
More likely, I think, is that he is having an emotional affair type attachment to my wife, my wife may have the strength to resist the attachment (she says, and I believe, that he's not the type of person that appeals to my wife...)
Many folks have affairs with people others think are unlikely. Does not matter in how you approach this. He is after your wife. She has not shut him down. bad sign.
I acknowledge it's okay for my wife to have a friend, an appropriate relationship shouldn't take any kind of secrecy to carry on and I would feel that if I can talk to this dude, then that's a sign there's nothing being hidden by my wife. For that matter, I probably should make more friends so I can talk with other people rather than overburden my wife by being the only one I can turn to.
Stop this. Shut this down. Then start reconnecting with your wife. You cannot work on the marriage while she has this relationship. Stopp being nice about this unless you want your wife to connect with other men.
Here's my question:
Would there be anything inappropriate about me talking with the dad of our son's friend? He's out waiting at school to pick up his son every day, and my wife is volunteering today - I'll be
picking up the kids after school.
Responses greatly appreciated!
Deal with your wife first. Make sure she shuts this down. Monitor it. If he pursues her anyway, get in his face. I do not think one can play witn this stuff. It takes urgency to shut things down. You have another person in your marriage now. Cut them out. THEN, work on your marriage.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillK
She's getting a nearby apartment, and she's said she'll have the kids Sunday through Weds. and take them to school Thursday morning, I pick up the kids Thursday after school and keep them until Sunday morning.
She's spoke about this as something she needs to do to grow as a person - you see, she does have issues with dependency and she is capable of independence, but chooses not to be independent and enables that by blaming others for her state of dependency. Moving out will be good for this issue because she can't blame anyone and she'll be forced to learn that she has the capacity to be responsible for her own actions.
Also, our house is a very long story, suffice to say it needs to be gutted and while she's living in the apartment, I'll make major headway on remodelling in our house and after the 6 month lease the house will be a much better place - the house's issues are a huge source of anxiety for her.
Mind you, her schedule isn't going to leave her much free time. She's taking on Saturday work to pay for the apartment rent, already working Thursday and Friday, she goes to the gym, she'll have to do groceries cleaning and laundry in the time the kids are away, and she often volunteers and/or has marathon events that take up the whole day Saturday. (She works for her mom's business, so doing work is something she gets a lot of flexibility with, so I'm sure if she has a full day event Saturday she'll get 48 hours of work in somewhere in the Thursday-Friday time.)
I don't think it really is a detail that's significantly germain to the question - aside from the fact that I am trying to communicate that I'm confident the separation isn't the guaranteed end of our marriage. I know I have work to do and I am hopeful that I can do it with a good chance of saving our marriage.
This is just a matter of my wanting to ensure this friend is not going to be someone that comes between us.
So I'm thinking at the end of the school day, I'l just talk with this guy and start off just asking if we can talk, and maybe I'll try asking about his marriage and discussing that - and at an appropriate point, simply tell him that I want very much to save my own marriage, and I appreciate that he's been a friend to my wife, but I'm concerned that the friendship might be interfering with our healing process.
What I'd appreciate is some feedback if I'm going about this right or if there's anything I should do differently?
Total FAIL. This is called ISOLATION. She is likely ready to move her affair onto the next level with this guy or someone else.
I am not a believer in separations. If she is leaving I suggest you start moving forward with the divorce.
This is so far down the road you are not even talking about EAs any more.
I understand you wanting to be a straight up guy here. But is is still you asking this guy not to take your wife from you. The fact she has left you, you will find will likely in her mind put her as being single.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-16-2012 at 06:05 PM.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
I think in this case separation means- "I want some time and space to explore the relationship with my EA partner to see if it will work/be fun and keep my husband as the back up plan/financier"
When I first replied I thought this was early on. And once again this thing is to the point she is moving or has moved out and pursuing a new life with another man.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-16-2012 at 08:40 PM.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toffer
My bad
72 hours of complete freedom to do as she pleases, not 96
I apologize again for chimimg in but I see the captain is busy rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic
This sounds a little like a passive agressive response. Relationships are a complicated thing. I wonder if it would have been easier for everyone to just answer my question if I'd just asked the question without any background?
I'll spend more time responding next to Entropy's responses. They are informative, but because there is more to the situation than I have stated, and the actual situation merits a different conclusion.
You see.. Her moving out set in motion because of our relationship problems, but it has never been a complete cutting off of me from her.
The communication between my wife and "OM" that happenned yesterday was something I misunderstood. I spoke with my wife about it. She explained that "OM" was asking about his son, who is autistic and his school therapist is helping his son develop socially, was having lunch at the pond at school with other students. "OM"was asking if our son would like to be invited.
It makes sense. I misinterpretted the message and thought "OM" was talking about meeting with the kids at a park with a pond.
My wife's relationship with him is ended, and it was a friendship as far as my wife understood, even if it might have been an early EA without her realizing.
Now with that said I hope everyone can give me the benefit of the doubt that I am close to the situation and better able to judge,and I'm not making this assessment based on blind trust.
I've skimmed the start of entropy's comments. I'm going to read the rest now, and I'll respond as appropriate. I sincerely thank everyone for their diverse responses. I'm glad that I got responses that helped me realize that my handling of this situation should start with communicating with my wife.
Our first appointment with our new therapist is next Thursday. It's next Thursday just because that's the soonest I got an appointment set up, not because it wasby design for my wife to have moved out first.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
Total FAIL. This is called ISOLATION. She is likely ready to move her affair onto the next level with this guy or someone else.
I am not a believer in separations. If she is leaving I suggest you start moving forward with the divorce.
This is so far down the road you are not even talking about EAs any more.
I understand you wanting to be a straight up guy here. But is is still you asking this guy not to take your wife from you. The fact she has left you, you will find will likely in her mind put her as being single.
I want to point out that I came here today because of a very specific question I had not been able to resolve to my satisfaction through my own introspection. I've been working through the overall situation of my marriage having deteriorated for over a month, and I think my descriptions might leave readers with confusion as I describe the state of our relationship as it was a week or more ago, and the state of the relationship is different now.
My wife moving out is for more than one reason. One of those reasons is unrelated to the relationship - it's about getting her out of the house so I can wreak havoc without having to constantly clean up until the phase of the construction is appropriate. I had even been considering temporary living arrangements, although in my contemplations I'd be part of those temporary living arrangements when I wasn't working on the house. (I think that if the relationship gets fixed, it's not out of the question that I'd be part of this apartment)
My wife knows that if she was unfaithful, she'd jeoprodize custody in a divorce. Whatever our problems are, that is something she's always been aware of and it is all the motivation she needs (and she needs no reminders) to not become involved with another man.
I am sure we will need to work through underlying issues. Her sister suspected unfaithfulness. I suspected it. Her mom suspected it. That kind of pressure was enough that she cut off the friendship because she didn't want that kind of pressure.
The point about being single is valid. I hope I've explained why I don't need to worry about competing with another man. I do need to compete with her being single.
Michigan divorce law requires a minimum of 6 months before even an uncontested divorce will be processed. Even in the degraded state our relationship was, she has motivation to not jeopardize her role in our children's life by staying away from a relationship with another man.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
I believe blind trust is some combination of lazy, naive and ambivalent. You make the call. Trust is earned. Marriage is based on Love and Respect. Trust is a by-product. Yes trust is essential, but when folks claim marriage is about trust they are really having the tail wag the dog EAs are chemically based and it all seems quite innocent at the beginning. Nothing going on here we are just friends. Effectively people form a deep emotional bond and then fall in love. We trust our partners not to do that. But they are not thinking clearly. They can be very naive as well. It feels ok.
Details are private, but our first time going to therapy was before we had kids. Suffice it to say there was a reason for that, and we have more training in the signs of unfaithfulness than someone who has not been through therapy or this situation before.
Admittedly, we've perhaps been repeating mistakes we could've corrected the first time - the first time we had therapy, we paid out of pocket and stopped for financial reasons. We thought we had fixed our problems, or at least we fixed enough that we could fix the rest on our own.
Quote:
VERY BAD!!! Filling needs like this outside of marriage is dangerous. Especially when needs are not being met at home. In y opinion this is very inappropriate. This can move to unfaithful quickly. If you tell her she needs to stop doing this and she does anyway it is by definition unfaithful.
I was describing recent history, not the present state of things.
I told her to stop last week and she did. And on Sunday, I made the change in myself that she needed so she the pieces would be in place that would allow her to start getting her emotional connectionfrom me instead of being repulsed by me.
Quote:
People in EAs are in the fog. I did not realize that my wife was correct until I went through withdrawal. So you tell her that her relationship with this guy is unacceptable. if she resists she is definitely in an EA. Stop partially believing her. That is unhelpful. That is being a nice guy. She may not realize how deep she is in. No matter. The thing is that this stuff progresses very quickly. Like travelling too close to a black hole. This must be stopped early. Put you foot down and insist on no contact. IMMEDIATELY. No fond farewells. FWIW by the time this type of thing is noticed it is usually way down the road already. Squash this today.
For the reasons I mentioned earlier, I think that if things progressed, my wife would have noticed and cut it off. The drama that resulted from suspicions was enough that she cut it off whether she believed it was EA or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by me
As a measure of what's going on, he frequently texts her. My wife doesn't text back very much, sometimes not at all.
I should elaborate this point. Up to some time last week he texted a good number of messages to her and she responded a few times. I couldn't say exactly when it changed, but I can say that here's some timeline:
Last Thursday - I was driving my wife to a store that's an hour's drive away. He was texting her, she responded twice. I read the texts, I forget what was going on, but he knew about what we were doing and that bothered me since they were still apparently talking when she drops off kids at school. Her responses were harmless, as I said I forget what they were - my concern from this day was the degree to which he knew what we were up to.
Friday and Saturday my wife went out of town with her mom for a marathon and there was no texting activity.
Sunday, I worked with our kids to give her a nice mothers day. He texted asking if she was having a good mothers day. She didn't respond.
Monday, I started my new job. He texted her a lot. She never responded. She deleted the texts. I had not had a chance to read them.
Tuesday, he texted about our child having lunch with his child. He sent 2 messages all together. My wife responded once that our child would like that.
I saw the Tuesday texts after my wife went to sleep. I went to work having had no chance to discuss it with my wife because she had to go to a event, the details of which I am leaving out because I want to maintain anonymity and those details can be sumarized sufficiently by saying my wife went with her mom and there was nothing to be suspicious about it.
Quote:
She needs to cut him out of her life. She may or may not be contacting him in other ways. But cut this off now. Feel free to tell this guy to cease and desist but you need to get your wife to shut it down first. You do want to start monitoring activities.
done and done. Even before I had this suspicion. I'm monitoring, and I'm doing it openly.
Quote:
Many folks have affairs with people others think are unlikely. Does not matter in how you approach this. He is after your wife. She has not shut him down. bad sign.
If that's how it sounded, then I explained poorly.
Quote:
Stop this. Shut this down. Then start reconnecting with your wife. You cannot work on the marriage while she has this relationship. Stopp being nice about this unless you want your wife to connect with other men.
It's a tricky situation. She sought emotional support elsewhere because it wasn't coming from me. That is a sentence that describes 2 problems. 1) she sought emotional support elsewhere 2) it wasn't coming from me. Both problems needed to be adressed concurrently and that is what I did. I stopped the connection. I fixed my problems that had precluded the connection with me.
Maybe it wasn't concurrent exactly, I fixed things on Sunday from my realization I made Saturday night - at that point the connection was already shut down.
Quote:
Deal with your wife first. Make sure she shuts this down. Monitor it. If he pursues her anyway, get in his face. I do not think one can play witn this stuff. It takes urgency to shut things down. You have another person in your marriage now. Cut them out. THEN, work on your marriage.
Deal with your wife first. Make sure she shuts this down. Monitor it. If he pursues her anyway, get in his face. I do not think one can play witn this stuff. It takes urgency to shut things down. You have another person in your marriage now. Cut them out. THEN, work on your marriage.
I guess in the end, it turns out I took your advice before I even posted here, so thanks for helping me feel reassured I am doing things the right way.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillK
I want to point out that I came here today because of a very specific question I had not been able to resolve to my satisfaction through my own introspection. I've been working through the overall situation of my marriage having deteriorated for over a month, and I think my descriptions might leave readers with confusion as I describe the state of our relationship as it was a week or more ago, and the state of the relationship is different now.
My wife moving out is for more than one reason. One of those reasons is unrelated to the relationship - it's about getting her out of the house so I can wreak havoc without having to constantly clean up until the phase of the construction is appropriate. I had even been considering temporary living arrangements, although in my contemplations I'd be part of those temporary living arrangements when I wasn't working on the house. (I think that if the relationship gets fixed, it's not out of the question that I'd be part of this apartment)
My wife knows that if she was unfaithful, she'd jeoprodize custody in a divorce. Whatever our problems are, that is something she's always been aware of and it is all the motivation she needs (and she needs no reminders) to not become involved with another man.
I am sure we will need to work through underlying issues. Her sister suspected unfaithfulness. I suspected it. Her mom suspected it. That kind of pressure was enough that she cut off the friendship because she didn't want that kind of pressure.
The point about being single is valid. I hope I've explained why I don't need to worry about competing with another man. I do need to compete with her being single.
Michigan divorce law requires a minimum of 6 months before even an uncontested divorce will be processed. Even in the degraded state our relationship was, she has motivation to not jeopardize her role in our children's life by staying away from a relationship with another man.
More to come in response to the other post.
No bother for a response my friend. The advice was for your benefit. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone.
That said, no matter how this is spun, you cannot work on a relationship while you are separated.
Everything in life has context. How amazing that you feel what you told us was totally wrong. The suggestions you got were based on what you said.
But as most folks suggested you needed to not confront the OM but deal with this with your wife first.
When you mentioned my name I thought ... Ok so this guy is going to bait and switch us like so many try to do. Why you wish to blow off your wifes EA idunno. Not a good idea. So do you have a pre-nup in place that states that she would put her custody at risk?
No you have not explained why you should not be concerend about another man. Maybe one of the other posters gets it and can enlighten the rest of us. I have not seen anything in any of your posts that does not scream there are multiple serious issues here. Which one is the biggest threat at the moment is hard to say. It is great thought that you got that affair taken care of in such a short time. It usually takes a tad more effort. You went from a thread about an EA, to your wife leaving you, to having it all pulled together with help of relatives in one afternoon.
Awesome.
I see in a later post you were not actually posting about a situation today but were telling a story that you did not want to share fully for some reason. We see this a lot. Who knows why people do this?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-16-2012 at 09:07 PM.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
I didn't mean to say I felt like I had explained fully why I'm not worried about the other guy.. I just wasn't repeating myself. There's more to it than I could explain.
By no means did this run its course in just an afternoon. Affairs are symptoms of an underlying problem.
In 2006, just as our second child was about to be born, I lost my job due to the economic downturn. People nationally think the economic downturn happenned later. Detroit collapsed ahead of the rest of the nation. For the first time in my career, it was hard to get another job. We had to relocate out of state. This was the start of a series of life challenges, and I took on the role of provider and neglected my role as emotional connection for my wife. It took all those years for the relationship to become that which it became.
The real change that was needed has only been a few days old. I could've prevent the apartment if I'd made that epiphany a few weeks sooner.
Oh and if this is a situation that seems to have changed rapidly, then I think maybe you have a sense of what it was like with the therapist we tried 4 sessions with over the past month.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillK
I didn't mean to say I felt like I had explained fully why I'm not worried about the other guy.. I just wasn't repeating myself. There's more to it than I could explain.
By no means did this run its course in just an afternoon. Affairs are symptoms of an underlying problem.
In 2006, just as our second child was about to be born, I lost my job due to the economic downturn. People nationally think the economic downturn happenned later. Detroit collapsed ahead of the rest of the nation. For the first time in my career, it was hard to get another job. We had to relocate out of state. This was the start of a series of life challenges, and I took on the role of provider and neglected my role as emotional connection for my wife. It took all those years for the relationship to become that which it became.
The real change that was needed has only been a few days old. I could've prevent the apartment if I'd made that epiphany a few weeks sooner.
Oh and if this is a situation that seems to have changed rapidly, then I think maybe you have a sense of what it was like with the therapist we tried 4 sessions with over the past month.
I have to say this... if you explained things to the therapist the way you have here, I can actually picture his/her head spinning with the information.
The thing is, I have no clear idea what exactly you were wanting to know. Your wife moved out, or is moving out, for reasons unrelated to an EA that may or may not be occurring. Honestly, while that may not be THE reason, in the back of her mind, it is a factor. You THINK there is nothing to worry about regarding this man because all texts that you saw were generic, friendly, kid related. The thing is, you don't now what those DELETED texts say. Whether she moved out for house renovations or whatever... the point is, you are separated. It gives her the opportunity because you won't always be around. I really don't understand why you can't move into this apartment WITH your wife. It makes no sense. But, it is your life. Your choices. You believe she won't/wouldn't actually have an affair of any kind... I didn't think I would either... nor did I think my husband would. I guess, all I can offer is to keep your eyes open. Kinda hard to do when you are separated tho. =/
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by WillK
Affairs are symptoms of an underlying problem.
No one could possibly argue with this.
The issue I have when I read your story is that you blame yourself enormously for the choices your wife has made.
I can relate to that, because I truly am the primary reason our marriage became so vulnerable that my husband chose to confide in a co-worker about his marriage. She was in an unhappy marriage also, and one thing led to another. Pretty soon she was his "soulmate" and "best friend in the whole world."
We are now fully recommitted and reconciling. I changed--and not overnight. It took me years to change to the point where I could be a good spouse. This was because of my own issues that I had to overcome. In that sense, I was lucky he was still around to benefit from those changes.
So, with that ability to relate to you somewhat (your secret background story of more infidelity (?), perhaps on your part (?) notwithstanding), I am very confused by your story. I am trying to understand
--why you feel you must defend separating from your wife--again, her ostensible reason, with which you seem to agree, is for her to learn to be 'independent'--I just don't get this one at all--and the whole "we need to fix the house" thing--if your marriage were good and stable, that would be one thing--but it is very vulnerable right now from the things that YOU have told us
--why you think your wife won't be vulnerable to entering a secret EA while she's apart from you so much.
How is she going to cut him out of her life? He's apparently not too far away, and his kid(s) attend the same school, if I understood you correctly. So they stop texting each other--there are plenty of ways to work around that.
I find it odd that you rely on divorce / custody law as proof she would never take this further. Why bother posting in the first place if you were so certain about this? I just have to say, when someone is in an EA (and my husband was in up to his hairline), you aren't analyzing whether you live in a no-fault state that favors dads, or what have you.
I am puzzled that your takeaway is that you need to communicate better with your wife. We ALL need to communicate better with our spouses, all the time, that is a truism. How you will accomplish that with her living apart is beyond me.
Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maricha75
I have to say this... if you explained things to the therapist the way you have here, I can actually picture his/her head spinning with the information.
The thing is, I have no clear idea what exactly you were wanting to know. Your wife moved out, or is moving out, for reasons unrelated to an EA that may or may not be occurring. Honestly, while that may not be THE reason, in the back of her mind, it is a factor. You THINK there is nothing to worry about regarding this man because all texts that you saw were generic, friendly, kid related. The thing is, you don't now what those DELETED texts say. Whether she moved out for house renovations or whatever... the point is, you are separated. It gives her the opportunity because you won't always be around. I really don't understand why you can't move into this apartment WITH your wife. It makes no sense. But, it is your life. Your choices. You believe she won't/wouldn't actually have an affair of any kind... I didn't think I would either... nor did I think my husband would. I guess, all I can offer is to keep your eyes open. Kinda hard to do when you are separated tho. =/
THe moving in I'm hoping will maybe happen once the relationship heals. It would not be realistic to expect it to happen the first day she moves spends in the apartment, which will be this Saturday, when it's less than a week after the relationship turned around. Miracles could happen, but I'm not going to get them to happen by pushing because it has to be her idea.
Here's the thing we actually need to get through with the therapist. Our relationship has been more like father-daughter than husband wife. She's done the growth she needed from the father-daughter relationship, that relationship NEEDS to end. We need to start a new husband-wife relationship.
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Re: Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my 
