Maricha75

I still don't see how the relationship can possibly improve when you are not there. In order for her to see you in the husband-wife relationship, and not the father-daughter relationship, you need to be there AS her husband. Not a boyfriend who is there sometimes, but her husband, who is there to talk to, to hold, to hug, etc. Maybe I'm naive, but it just makes no sense to me.

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WillK

That part is just not something I'd comeout and say out of respect for her desire to keep it between ourselves. I'll say that I was never disloyal. But in retrospect, some of my shortcomings then that led to that situation are shortcomings that are the same as the present situation.

Let's put it this way. We bought this house for less than what my truck cost. This was 2 years ago. I spent 3 months doing the roof, myself, before we moved in. I rewired the house because it is a miracle that the 90+ year old jury-rigged wiring that was in the house had not burnt the house down. The sewer pipes were draining into the crawlspace. Since resolving these issues, I've been dealing with significant structural problems and the complete absence of a foundation.

My next projects will leave the crawlspace open to the rodents in our neighborhood - our first year here, we had a death count of 15 rats. I'll be tearing away floor and wall to completely reconfigure the floor plan.

As it was, my wife had a hard time dealing with the dirt and dust that tracked and blew in from the crawlspace when I worked on the house.

As I say, the goal will be to heal the relationship so the apartment is a safe haven the whole family including me can share while the work is going on.

iheartlife

That is one thing that I totally agree with, 1000%.

WillK

One step at a time. Therapist appointment starts next Thursday. If nothing else,that's where relationship repair will take place.

iheartlife

Are you going to bring up this man in therapy? Not on the first day--you seem bent on discussing other things--but at some point soon.

Maricha75

Ok, I can understand not telling anyone on this board... but I would hope the therapist will hear about it. You may not have been disloyal, but whatever it was, based on the way it has been hinted, needs to be addressed with the therapist.

As for my other post, sorry, I just can't wrap my head around NOT being there... even if the relationship wasn't in a husband-wife manner... still makes no sense to leave that door wide open.

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jnj express

Her friend is way out of bounds in all his texting to your wife---she is a married woman, with kids, and he knows it----whether you/your wife want to admit it or not---HE IS PURSUING HER

You can read here, and in every other website, like this about PUA's who pursue, pursue, pursue till they get what they want

Your wife, will now be on her own, with time to kill and believe you me---the texting/contacting will increase monumentally---and where there may have been resolve up to now on her part----she does not have a H., there in front of her, to remind her to stay out of trouble ( not that you were speaking to her about the texting, you were just THERE)

I might suggest you contact her friend---and tell him to stop contacting your wife completely, if he balks/refuses/gets snotty, tell him fine---you will see him in court----he is open to a tort civil action for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!!!!!!!

eowyn

OP, I read all the your posts on this thread however couldn't figure out if your wife is moving out because:
(a) She needs to be more independent
(b) You need to remodel the house
(c) Both of you need to fix relationship issues
(d) All of the above

You mention lot of times that she needs to be more "independent", however looking at your post below it seems to me that she is already quite independent. Looks like she is doing a lot of things independently even now (probably does not like to order pizza for some reason, but other than that looks like she is doing lot of things).. don't you think?

As someone already pointed out, if remodelling is the issue why don't you move in with your wife in the apt at least partially. Right now you are able to keep an eye on OM's texts. That will not be an option with the new apt. What is your therapist's take on the new apt thing? I hear you have a counselling next week. Don't you think you should consult with the therapist before she moves out?

As for the OM I am confused. Your opinion on OM seems to fluctuate, as in... in some posts it seems you find him innocent and someone who can be befriended, while in other posts you mention he constantly texts and is trying to get your wife's attention. I don't know what you think about the OM, however one thing I can say, is that this guy actually has a nickname for your wife, and your wife still texts him back? Don't you think it is inappropriate and it is more of 'flirting' than 'texting'?

The other thing I could not get a context on, is why and when is it that your wife's mom and sis suspected unfaithfulness on the part of your wife. There needs to be a reason behind it (maybe you are not comfortable disclosing it which is okay)... however makes me thing, why do you trust her so much at this point of time where you seem to reason with yourself that 'staying in a separate apt is okay and can be good for your relationship'.

How long does she plan to stay in the apt. Is there a timeline? Are you going to get a key for this apt? How does this work?

WillK

It is absolutely D all of the above.

The issue is not by any means whether she is capable of being independent. This point could be a whole other discussion, and one which will probably be better directed by a professional therapist than lay people or even ourselves. Her problem might be that she is addicted to using me as a crutch. I think I understand the issue better than I can explain it.

If the remodelling is the only issue, I probably would be moving in. It's not the only issue. My wife is hyper-focussed on A and/or C. Those will take more than this week to fix but less than 6 months, so I'm hopeful that when the therapy progresses enough that the remodelling is the only issue, then we'll mutually agree to get back together living in the apartment.

I'll still be able to watch the bill online for activity. She is not getting a phone, she will only be using the cell phone.

Couseling is starting as soon as it can.. It's been difficult finding a therapist that is in-network for our insurance which isn't an industry leader. The essential element in her wanting me to live with her is she has to miss me. Even if I could get an appointment today, the first appointment is going to be the therapist assessing our situation, solving problems rarely starts in the first session in my experience.



I've had a lot of confusion. I've been describing the progression in the past. When I started posting here yesterday, I had history that gave me cause to feel uncertain as to whether it was a non-issue. I didn't know it at the time either, but by the time I started posting here it was already a non-issue.

There's more to it than I can explain for reasons of time (getting ready for work) and privacy.

It's a 6 month lease. It is what it is for the first week, beyond that there's no telling at this point.

iheartlife

This sounds like co-dependency, and you're right, she needs therapy to help overcome it.

Toffer

OK everbody, grab some popcorn, sit back and watch it burn

WillK

I've said that myself. Technically speaking, it's not co-dependency because co-dependency would be if I was trying to keep her in a dependent state, as I understand it. Aside from that distinction, yes it is like co-dependency. It's not a problem I'm taking lightly, and with all due respect to everyone here, if I tried solving that problem here with lay people, that would be taking it lightly.

iheartlife

I don't think anyone would dare suggest that the forum replaces therapy (as long as the therapist is very good).

But, collectively, we have a lot of experiences with spousal betrayal (myself included, unfortunately). Those are the red flags we see peppered in your posts. You've suddenly determined that all of that was a red herring, but the reason you don't see people letting go of that is that the classic initial reaction to the warnings signs of an affair beginning is to sweep them under the rug.

I asked this in another post--are you planning on bringing up the OM in counseling?

WillK

Oh yeah, I did mean to respond and if I forgot it's because there's just such a broad band of topics. It will be mentioned.

Just to clarify some, when we go to the new psychiatrist (I'll get back to that) next Thursday it will be the 4th counseling we've tried. Here's our history:

roughly 8 years ago (wow, it sounds so long ago to say it that way) we had counseling after events I choose to keep private. We saw a psychologist and paid out of pocket, went maybe 8 sessions, stopped by our own choosing because it was financially a strain.

2 years ago we sought counseling because of intimacy problems, the focus was "sex therapy" but restoring intimacy was the symptom of relationship problems. We were seeing a person who was a licensed social worker, and it was covered but we had a considerable amount of deductible to use up before the insurance would have actually been paying. It was cut short because we moved - it was between jobs and we anticipated a long job search and a long time to sell our house we were moving from, but those things went faster than expected. So we maybe only got to have 3 sessions, and it would've made a difference, and it did help us reconnect sexually, but it didn't get enough time to do what was needed to fix our relationship problems.

6 weeks ago when I lost my previous job, we started therapy. Out of pocket.. 4 sessions. Limited license practice or something. The therapist was as confused as everyone here - we spent the entire session each time saying what the issues have been since the last session, the therapist didn't find the common thread to find the root cause let alone guide us in fixing the issues. It stopped because my wife felt it was a waste of time, and it was.

The next therapist is in-network so we'll be covered, and he's a psychiatrist. Actually, in-network with the insurance we have is very constraining. Several I tried to contact didn't return my call. One that responded indicated that she was soon going to be discontinuing participation with my insurance. This psychiatrist seems to be a good fit, though, as he's experienced and his information indicates he does look at talk as a first line and medication as a last resort.

I'm positive about the fact we'll be seeing a psychiatrist as well.. My wife takes anxiety medication, but she's only ever seen a general practice doc for that and frankly our GP doc pretty much prescribes because based on patient direction, and it just doesn't feel like he brings expertise into the prescribing process.

danielria

About three weeks ago I caught my wife talking to a past boyfriend. I confronted her with this and she told me all about it. She said that she looked him up to talk about something that happened in the past. She admitted to having an emotional affair with this man. She also said that she visited with him once and that they did in fact kiss. She said that she got caught up in the moment because she told him about her desire to have a baby. He told her that he would be a donor for her if I didn't want to do it.
The problem is that my wife is going through menopause. She had approached me several months ago wanting to try and have a baby. My wife has never been able to have a child of her own and would require using an egg donor and IVF (me and another female's egg).
Well, I feel that some of this is my fault because I would not listen to her. She shut me out and went looking for someone that would listen to her. She claims that nothing sexual happened between her and this guy, but I can’t get this thought out of my head. How do I know for sure if she’s telling me the truth?
I have never had to doubt this woman in the almost 20 years that we have been married. Is there anyone out there that can help me get past this? I had agreed to go to the IVF clinic with her and do this. But the very next day I caught her talking to this guy. I have not been an easy person to live with and we have not had time to spend with one another because of me being in school and her working too much.
I love this woman with all my heart! In fact, I have never loved any woman like I do her. We have two kids that we adopted and I don’t want to lose my family. Still, the thought of her having an emotional affair is bad enough, and the idea of her having had sex with this guy is still in my head.
I can’t sleep at night and I have lost 12 lbs in the past two weeks because I can’t even eat. Can anyone offer me some help? I feel like a ping pong ball and the match has no end. If I leave, I will lose her and my family. If I stay, then I am going to have to live with the thought that she might have had sex with this guy. I have never had to worry about her in the past. I know that she loves me and I know that I love her. Well, I hope that someone can be of some sort of help to me! Thanks!