General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
The kids absolutely pick up on this, and they hate it when he says things about me. In fact, the kids are often resentful of him. They say things like "Dad is always mean to us, he just wants us to do chores, he's always mean to you" .
I'm sorry.
Was your husband always this way? When did the stonewalling start? What is his relationship like with his parents? Does he blank other people in his life (employees/colleagues/friends)? Does he have a lot of friends? Are his moods very up and down? What kind of nasty things does he say to you? And does it do it at home or in public, too?
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Originally Posted by Devlin
I guess it bothers me more than anything that when I know I'm wrong, I try to acknowledge it and improve it and all I hear from him is that he's never wrong, and he does the same things over and over. It's like pounding my head into a brick wall.
Well that means you are a healthy person. If you can admit to being wrong and acknowledge it--that is a sign of a person with accountability and healthy adult. Him never admitting fault/flaws says a lot about his character.
I can't tell you how much it means to me just that you all are listening and replying. I haven't had anyone to talk to in so long. My mom is supposed to be moving in with us next month (she and hubs actually get along great) and when I told her some of the issues she said she thought maybe she shouldn't move in and I almost lost my mind. First of all she needs a place to live as she's retiring, and secondly we live a few hours away from all family and I don't have anyone to turn to for support when I don't have my husband. I really need her and I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't come. So I stopped talking to her about it.
To answer your question Jellybean, my husband had always shut down when it's been something he didn't want to hear, but it wasn't until about 2005/2006 that the silent treatments (which he has always done) started happening much more frequently and over the slightest thing. Once it was because I returned a cell phone he found to the owner. I mean, hello, why the hell would we keep someone else's cell phone?
We'd had a really bad time before in 2005; things had blown up with his ex-wife and his daughter, so badly that he basically lost his daughter over it and I know how devastating that was for him. It was bad for me too; I raised her for seven years of her life and I loved her too, but I know it wasn't the same for me as it was for him.
So I know he's been through a lot with women, on top of what his ex did to him and his relationship with his daughter she'd also cheated on him with a man she'd actually convinced him to move into their home. So I know that's why he doesn't have a lot of trust in me and hates it when I have male friends (I don't have male friends I go out to lunch with or anything but I've been buying baby stuff for a co-worker whose about to have a baby and I gave him some of our older stuff that we didn't need and this really pisses my husband off.)
I understand these issues he has and why. What I don't understand is why he has to take them out on me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I am not perfect. I have an awful temper, part of the reason why I started therapy. I can be irresponsible. But it doesn't mean that I deserve this and I know that.
I should state he's not always like this, or I never would have married him in the first place. We have so much fun together (when he's talking to me) and I make him laugh, which is nice after all these years together, that he still thinks I'm funny and not obnoxious. We had all these plans for our future.
I just don't know that I can do this anymore. The times that our marriage is great just get shorter and shorter, and the times we're fighting or not talking at all get longer and longer. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have left already, as much as I love him.
It's because of them that I'm afraid to go. I know it's not good for the kids to see this between us, but I know how it will be if I leave. He will hate me and he will not hesitate to try to pull them between us. I saw him do it with his daughter. His ex-wife was a horrible person and an terrible mother, but that was still his daughter's mother. This didn't matter to him. Every day he told her (we had custody) what an awful person her mother was. He told her way more than was ever appropriate. I told him this repeatedly. Therapists told him this. He would not stop and his daughter ended up with so many issues between the way they both were with her. I am very afraid to have this happen with our three children.
You know what I hope more than anything? That I'm just being an oversensitive drama queen. I hope I lay this out for my therapist today and he tells me I'm full of ****, to stop being melodramatic and exaggerating and to apologize and get this over with.
I'm really afraid that that is not what he's going to say and I will be at a complete loss of what to do next.
Dev, honey, I'm so glad you are here. And I'm glad your mom is coming.
Now...I don't want to get too personal, but is your husband perhaps feeling sexually deprived? That sounds like a very likely explanation for this behavior.
Or, he's just an a**. But I want you to think about the sexual thing -- no need to respond, but you need to give it some thought.
And please do keep posting! It's a small group here and a safe place.
It's ok Lamaga, I've already gotten pretty personal here and I know those issues can affect a marriage a lot.
There was a point a few years ago where we barely had sex. He told me this really bothered him, so I amped up our sex life. It's very one sided however and I've been pretty blunt about how I feel about that, so I probably hurt him and his pride in that regard. However up until this last fight, our sex life was much better.
He's probably feeling pretty deprived after thirty five days of this utter bull. Since he's not talking to me we're definitely not hitting the mattress. I suppose it's very petty of me to hope he has the blue balls of a lifetime.
So he is the one who before did want to have sex with you?
You know what I hope more than anything? That I'm just being an oversensitive drama queen. I hope I lay this out for my therapist today and he tells me I'm full of ****, to stop being melodramatic and exaggerating and to apologize and get this over with.
You can wish and hope all you want. That isn't going to change anything. The only thing that will change something is both of you making an effort to stop the unhealthy behaviors. Not one of you.
Question: Did he stonewall his ex-wife and ignore her, too?
That is pretty crappy that he was talking bad repeatedly to his daughter about her mother. To me, that says a lot about him.
When I get rejected time after time, I get grumpy. I will hear how she is too tired and then she stays up until 2am to watch some show. I will hear how we don't have enough privacy and then we are alone at home for 4 hours and she rejects me. All these rejections lead to me being grumpy.
I know it doesn't help matters, but after being rejected a number of times, I get cold. I don't feel loved and I don't feel like loving. I know it is the wrong response, but it happens.
lamaga asked if maybe he was being sexually deprived. You said your sex life has gotten better, but you didn't really say how often you guys have sex. I can see my wife saying sex has gotten better, even if it has been 3 weeks since we were together.
How long was it between having sex when your husband tried to push you into having sex when you were trying to rest?
Another issue my wife and I have is that my wife needs a push sometimes. Because of her upbringing, feeling sexy doesn't really come naturally for her. At times I need to be pushy. To hold her when she is giving me body language that tells me not to hold her. Often she will come around. She will thank me for putting some pressure on her. She will thank me for understanding her in that way.
Other times, she gets pissed off. We end up in a fight and if it has been a couple of weeks of rejection for me, I get pissed as well.
Just wondering if some of this same dynamic is in your relationship and might help explain your husband's behavior.
SadSad--would you ignore your wife for 35 days & counting if she didn't put out when you wanted to? Also, would you do thsi habitually to your wife? Even if she wrote you a letter and apologized and tried to make amends?
35 days is extreme, especially given that she has apologized.
But 20 years of being rejected 90% of the time is extreme as well.
I have gotten to the point where in my head I have just said I am done. I have been the one to try and try and try again. I tell myself I am not going to try anymore.
I would like to hear her answers to my questions. Do they typically go a week or more without intimacy? Does she reject him and avoid him on a regular basis?
If she really wants to make amends, I would advise her to take action. Not writing a letter or speaking an apology. Actual Action! Ask him to come to bed early. Go to bed with lingerie on. Make him feel wanted and cared for.
If there dynamic is anything like my marriage, her initiating and showing she wants me, makes all the difference in the world. I instantly go from grumpy and cold, to being communicative and happy and helping around the house.
Some people use the silent treatment as a cruel weapon. They deprive you of their time, conversation, love, hugs...everything. They cut you off... they do it to hurt you. The are angry people, very angry. Their anger scares them because they don't have the skills to communicate it properly... your man needs to learn HOW to express anger in an appropriate way.
I grew up in a house where my Mum would give the silent treatment for weeks. The rage and anger was clear for all to see...simmering just under the surface.
I've also had one friendship that went that way their first time we had a disagreement over something.
The friend I dropped like a hotcake. My mum... I love her and wanted her in my life.
My sister and I confronted her and simply told her we were not putting up with it anymore. She obviously didn't believe us because a few months later she got mad over something and blanked us.
So we just got on with our lives. We didn't grovel and sweet talk her untill she was 'nice' again. We blanked her back. We went months with no contact. My poor old dad was beside himself and missed his daughters and grandchildren and was contacting us on the sly.
My mum took about 6 months to finally back down..i actually thought she would hang in forever.
We talked and new rules were set, if she blanked us she risks losing contact with us...she doesn't want that.
That was more than a decade ago and she hasn't done it since. Not sure if dad still gets the silent treatment...but that's his battle to fight...he has enabled her to be this way since they married when she was 20 years old....she's 70 now.
I know your situation is different...you live in the same house and he is your H not your mother but the problem is that kids are living this too. You choose to live with it...they don't get a choice.
People only treat you the way you allow them to. Once we refused to be hurt by her actions we took her power away and remember the silent treatment IS a power trip and very passive-aggressive.
I wish you and your children all the best with this...it's not a nice way to grow up.
If she really wants to make amends, I would advise her to take action. Not writing a letter or speaking an apology. Actual Action! Ask him to come to bed early. Go to bed with lingerie on. Make him feel wanted and cared for.
If there dynamic is anything like my marriage, her initiating and showing she wants me, makes all the difference in the world. I instantly go from grumpy and cold, to being communicative and happy and helping around the house.
After 35 days of silent treatment... being blanked & ignored when she speaks to him. He glares at her and says horrible things to the kids but she should dress up in a sexy nighty for him and offer him a good time!
Are you serious??
Affection and conversation are listed as the top two needs for woman in the book 'His Needs Her needs'... he's treated her with contempt for the past month.
Can you even imagine what 35 days of being blanked by your 'loved one' in a angry hostile way might feel like? And of course this is just one of many times he has done this.
It's not a one off because she said no to sex, this is how he deals with his anger...no matter the subject.
This is how sulkers behave. They don't want to/know how to communicate. They want to be right and in control.
You sound very nice and in a normal relationship it probably would be a great plan...but not when you've been through a month of this.
After 35 days of silent treatment... being blanked & ignored when she speaks to him. He glares at her and says horrible things to the kids but she should dress up in a sexy nighty for him and offer him a good time!
Are you serious??
Affection and conversation are listed as the top two needs for woman in the book 'His Needs Her needs'... he's treated her with contempt for the past month.
Can you even imagine what 35 days of being blanked by your 'loved one' in a angry hostile way might feel like? And of course this is just one of many times he has done this.
It's not a one off because she said no to sex, this is how he deals with his anger...no matter the subject.
This is how sulkers behave. They don't want to/know how to communicate. They want to be right and in control.
You sound very nice and in a normal relationship it probably would be a great plan...but not when you've been through a month of this.
It's gruesome!
What I was trying to find out is how she was treating him in regards to his greatest need (I'm guessing, but for many men it is physical touch/sex).
They both have needs. His needs are as important as her needs. Maybe to him, a few years of being rejected is equivalent to 35 days of silence.
Giving the silent treatment isn't the best way of handling issues. Rejecting your spouse isn't the best way either.
Sam - i absolutely agree his needs are as important as hers.
She said "no" to him when she was sick and tired and grabbing a quick snooze before going back to work. I don't think that is unreasonable...do you?
I am also interested to know if this is a contributor to his anger, if it happens often.... something has him very angry.
But they can't discuss the issue because he's sulking and glaring at her and not answering her when she asks him a question. Then once she has grovelled and he's speaking to her again he carpet sweeps...because he doesn't know HOW to communicate what's upsetting him or what needs aren't being met.... he just sulks.
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Re: Silent Treatment...beginning of the end? 
