General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi! I'm brand new here and I'm so glad I found this forum. I really need to talk and I don't have anyone to talk too, and hopefully I can be here for others who need the same support.
Anyway, I'm 35, married to my husband for 13 years, and have three children, 14, 11, 9.
Lots and lots of history I can get into, but I'll keep a very long story a little bit shorter and just talk about what's going on now. Over a month ago, I was sick and trying to take a nap in our bedroom before I went back to work, because I work a split. Husband comes in and decides to be 'affectionate'. I am so not in the mood, either for sex or to be bothered. I told him this. He did not stop, just moved his hands. We've had this fight about 700 times before. If he wants something, it doesn't matter to him if I'm tired or sick. He wants it NOW and for me to refuse is extremely upsetting to him. Well, to have him do this while I was sick was upsetting to me, and I lost my temper.
Not a big huge rant, I can't even remember what I said, but I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of get the hell off of me, stop being a jerk, and let me sleep. Not the nicest behavior on my part, but not the nicest behavior on his part either.
Sounds like a minor incident? I thought so too. I was mad at the time, but it wasn't anything I was going to string out or have a big fight about.
He hasn't spoken to me since. Today is day 35.
This is not the first time he's pulled the silent treatment. He does this every few months, sometimes every few weeks, if he gets mad at me. We went to marriage counseling a couple of times and once he agreed that he would limit his silent treatment to 48 hours, during which I would leave him alone and allow him to be upset. At the end of the 48 hours he is supposed to either talk things out with me or let it go. He's pretty much never stuck to that. His record before this was eleven days of not speaking to me.
This is how it always goes. It gets to a point where I can't stand it anymore and I either apologize if I don't feel like I should or I just confront him so we can get it out. Then we have a big, horrible fight where he denies all responsibility for everything and twists every single thing I say or do even for years back. I'm not blameless in these; when I lose my temper I tend to say a lot of things that I regret. I do try to control this and also to acknowledge my part in whatever the situation is and apologize. The thing is he'll never do that. He will always say that it was 100% my fault. Sometimes I force him to apologize, usually by feeding him a word by word statement that he will deny having made later. So obviously, this cycle isn't working for either of us.
So this time, I could not bring myself to do it. I am so tired of this. So I didn't confront him. I waited to see when he would get sick of this and either confront me or let it go. He's never going to let it go. He's been acting as if he hates me, either giving me loathing looks or refusing to look at me at all. He only speaks to me when absolutely necessary; won't even respond if I say hello or goodbye. He makes disparaging remarks about me to the kids, saying 'oh look, Mom's doing nothing again, etc' (between my split shifts at work).
I did try to talk to him finally a few days ago. His only response was that I acted crazy and like 'Britney Spears' and I owed him an apology. That really hurt. He knows how sensitive I am about being called crazy; I was recently diagnosed with severe depression and have been taking medication and going to therapy regularly.
So yesterday I'd had enough. I sat down and wrote him a letter. I tried so hard to make it as polite as I could though I wasn't going to let up on how I felt. I told him I didn't feel like I owed him an apology in the first place; he knew I was sick and I asked him to stop. I also said how hurt I was that he was content to let this go on and on. I finished the letter by telling him I knew he loved me but I couldn't go through this cycle anymore, and if he wanted it to end he'd either let this go or agree to go back to therapy, either with me or by himself.
So I really thought that he would respond to this. He hasn't. He is still ignoring, still treating me as if he hates me. I basically asked him in my letter if he loved me enough to try and fix this and now I guess I have my answer.
I don't know what to do. Do we just go on like this forever? How can a person stop loving another person so fast? How can he hurt me like this and just let it continue? If this was the first time, or it was a rarity, I'd just bite the bullet and apologize. It's not a rarity. It happens over and over and over and I can't do it anymore. My therapist said I have to break the cycle and do something different and I tried and now I don't know what to do anymore. How can I fix our marriage if I'm the only one working on it?
You denying him sex is making him feel rejected.
Him ignoring you is making you feel invalidated.
SOmething has to give.
You were wrong to talk to him in that manner (get the hell off of me) and he is wrong to be on day 35 of the silent treatment (that is abusive, IMO).
My ex and I had a good sex life BUT, he was a master sulkner/ignorer. It gets reallllllllllllly old after a time. It sounds like you've gone to counselling over it and the problem persists. Eventually I left. People who haven't been in a situation where their partner ignores them for days/weeks on end cannot fathom what it's like. It's emotional abuse.
I don't envy you.
You need to talk to him. It takes more energy to ignore someone than to talk to them.
Oh and that's just it: you CAN'T fix a marriage alone. It takes two. SO either he is willing to do it with you or he isn't. He sounds like a passive-agressive controlling child.
Oh and..... your therapist is right--about doing something different. Everything you have done hasn't worked so what does that tell you?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...
You can not go on like this forever. Communication is the life's blood of a marriage.
You have every right to put up reasonable boundaries in the marriage (like letting you sleep when you are exhausted and not forcing his way onto you). He needs to respect those boundaries... and well frankly grow up a bit. He seems like he's throwing an adult temper tantrum if he doesn't get his way.
Tell him you two need to go to counselling. If he refuses, well then go to IC for your own sanity... though given the situation it really is ideal if you both got IC (and some couples therapy together) from the same counselor.
Lamaga, I agree but he refuses to go back to counseling. I am still seeing my therapist and I'm not going to stop. I asked him in my letter to go to a counselor with me or find his own if he didn't feel comfortable with that. He wouldn't even answer me, which I guess is a reply in itself.
I guess I'd be willing to apologize again but I feel so hurt by his remarks and hateful attitude and to have that all ignored and swept under the rug again...I don't know how I'd get past that resentment. At least I see my therapist again today so hopefully he'll have some feedback on how to proceed from here.
If he continues to refuse you may need to get his attention.
One way is to take some time to visit family for say a week, leaving him to take care of the kids (assuming he's responsible). Tell him you need time away, and you hope when you get back he will be in more of a mood to talk.
I wish there was a magic formula, and I'm not even sure if my advice is the best... just seems that you need to get him to snap out of it and start talking.
You apologizing isn't going to change anything or make it better. He is probably SO used to you saying Sorry. And where does it get you? Nowhere, that's where.
Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. They would work together with you to resolve the problem.
His refusal to go to counselling or owrk on things with you and talk to you send a loud and clear message: he's not into it. That's it.
So what you need to decide is whether you want to tolerate a marriage where this is the norm/fixture. If so, expect more fo the same. If not, at least you get a chance of not living like this.
Oh and you mention having children. NO DOUBT they pick on on this. What do they say? Does he stonewall them too? How is your hub's relationship with his family/friends/work? Does he do this to everyone or just you?
Has he been married before you?
I personally think that people who do this have character issues/disorders. Uptown always brings up BPD. And while I wouldn't discount that AT ALL, I think it's just straight up emotional abuse.
I'm so glad you are going to IC! You will know how to proceed when you are ready. If he doesn't want to catch the GrownUp train, then you'll deal with that when you are ready. Good luck!
I wish there was a magic formula, and I'm not even sure if my advice is the best... just seems that you need to get him to snap out of it and start talking.
But that's just it. She cannot "get him" to/make him do anything. He has a choice and his choice is to blank her repeatedly/habitually.
If you have not lived this, count your lucky stars but these people..they don't bend. At all. It's their way or no way. He will only begin talking to her when he wants to. It will have nothing to with her at all. They lack empathy.
But that's just it. She cannot "get him" to/make him do anything. He has a choice and his choice is to blank her repeatedly/habitually.
If you have not lived this, count your lucky stars but these people..they don't bend. At all. It's their way or no way. He will only begin talking to her when he wants to. It will have nothing to with her at all. They lack empathy.
I am blessed to not have lived this out. You are also completely right that she can't make him do jack. Still just hoping the shock and change from such a trip might give him time to reconsider things. Sounds like you would know more than I though.
That's just what I would do in a similar situation.
The kids absolutely pick up on this, and they hate it when he says things about me. In fact, the kids are often resentful of him. They say things like "Dad is always mean to us, he just wants us to do chores, he's always mean to you" and I feel terrible when they say this, for both them and him. Sometimes it's justified, he can be very insensitive to their feelings or unrealistic about what to expect from them. At other times I know it's more the contrast between the two of us. I'm the snuggly loving one who can't stand to see them cry, where as he is the one who will yell. A few years he pointed out to me and I had to admit the truth of it, that I played bad cop good cop with him when it came to the kids. I have since then tried to back him up as long as he is not being completely unreasonable, and if he is I try to take him aside and talk about it privately.
I guess it bothers me more than anything that when I know I'm wrong, I try to acknowledge it and improve it and all I hear from him is that he's never wrong, and he does the same things over and over. It's like pounding my head into a brick wall.
I am not discounting your suggestion at all, Browncoat. She could totally try it. But it's not likely to change anything and that is the truth. People who do this habitually ... nothing will make it change unless THEY want to change, whether she leaves for a day/week/ or not.
It's a living hell. It's truly the only way to describe it. I just feel for her because she has kids and they are growing up prob thinking that is a normal family dynamic or may even repeat it themselves down the line or think they aren't good enough for their dad to speak to them. Sad.
33Likes
Silent Treatment...beginning of the end? 
Re: Silent Treatment...beginning of the end? 
People who do this habitually ... nothing will make it change unless THEY want to change, whether she leaves for a day/week/ or not. 
