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Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
I just found out my wife was cheating on me while we were still married. Me: 39m. Her: 38f.
We were together a total of 10 years, and married for 6 of those years. She moved out 8 months ago and our divorce was final 4 months ago, but I am only finding out just now. She was cheating on me for 3 of the final years of our marriage. She has no idea that I know. She has been playing me for a fool all this time!
As for how I found out... well, I did a bad thing. I logged into her email. I knew the password from a long time ago and she never changed it. It was a stupid thing to do, and I regret doing it. But it got me the answers I should have been given a long time ago. I wish I had done it sooner. But as I have learned, its easy to trick someone who trusts you. I feel like it was the right thing to do because what I did (logging in) pales in comparison to what she did to me (cheating). So I am very torn on this one point. Don't know if I should be feeling guilty about logging in or not. I obviously didn't feel guilty enough to stop myself. But I'm glad I did. Now I know everything I needed to know. I think it will help me move on faster knowing she was a liar and a cheat, rather than taking her at her word that she's just lost and confused.
I should also mention that she had kids from a previous marriage and we have been raising them together all this time. I raised them as if they were my own, and they think of me as their dad. So because of this, she and I still occasionally see each other and communicate. So going "no contact" has been difficult. When seeing each other, its always so easy for our conversation to change from "business" to "personal".
I have talked to friends about my situation, and some people tell me "You're divorced now. Just move on." But I feel so compelled to confront her. Other people say "Go for it. Tell her."
The circumstances of our breakup is what drives my urge. She left me under the notion that she was just confused about her life and needed to get a new direction and "I need to work on me" for a while. She talked about a change of career, etc etc. So I was holding onto hope that we could separate and she could get her life sorted out and then maybe get back together. If I had known she was cheating, that would have ended it right there. So the last 8 months have been the worst time of my life.
At some point last Xmas, I realized that she was insistent on breaking up with me, and I just needed to go ahead and file for divorce. She wanted her freedom, so I gave it to her.
Only now have I discovered that she was cheating, and apparently she had no plans to ever tell me. She thought she could commit the perfect crime and take the secret to her grave.
All I want to do is let her know that I know. I don't need any details or "why" or anything else. I just feel compelled to let her know that I know. I want her to know that she did not get away scott free.
So I am trying to get some direction. Should I (and how can I) just walk away and pretend this never happened? Or will it help me to get any closure by telling her that I know?
I have an appointment with a counselor soon. I am going to ask him the same question.
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
Pain,
First of all, I am sorry you're here.
Second and most importantly get yourself tested for STDs. Your wife carried on an affair for 3 years while she was with you. God only knows what she may have exposed you to.
On the issue of confrontation, I would be all for it. As a matter of fact, I would also expose her to her family and friends since I am almost willing to bet she completely re-wrote your marital history to them as a justification for ending the marriage. That's pretty standard cheater operating procedure.
If you didn't do so already, print out copies of the emails and give to her family and let her explain it to them. Don't tell her you're going to do this.
Let her spend a few months of truying to put her life back together like you've been doing for almost a year now!
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
Dont bother confronting her. Instead save the emails in a safe place. Mind the OM and expose to his wife or gf. Also expose to all your Musial friends and family. Don't mention the emails, but do call out the guy by name and tell them it's been going on for years.
Then go dark on her. Don't call or text and don't respond to any she sends you.
Let her rage in the dark alone as she has to del with people finding out just what kind of person she is. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
On the topic of STDs, I'm glad you brought that up. Yes, she contracted Herpes at some point because she got a test not too long before she left me and the test came back positive. She tried to say that it was probably contracted before we were married, but come on! Ten years is a long time together for me to have never gotten it. So yes, I feel pretty sure she got it from one of her boyfriends. Karma, huh? Ain't it sweet?
As soon as she told me, I got a test myself and came back clean. Tested again a few months later and still came back clean. So I'm happy for that.
As for the other part, wow. I never expected that. I didn't want to really go that far. First, I'm concerned that by admitting I logged into her email, I may be criminally liable. She may be very pissed at me for doing this. I know she may be feeling guilt and remorse and that may stop her from acting on it, but one of her new boyfriends may encourage her to prosecute me.
My idea was simply to tell her that I know and leave it to her imagination as to how I found out. Let her make a dozen phone calls trying to figure out who blabbed.
I'm not THAT concerned with her friends or family. In fact, I bet money she told her friends she was cheating, trying to get perspective on what to do, and if they could not or would not convince her to do the right thing, then telling them would be a waste of time.
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
Are the kids old enough for you to maintain contact with them and not with her?
I agree you should tell her friends and family and the OM's wife/gf/family. She'll know you know after that.
So sorry she did this to you
The youngest is 16 and still lives with me. He isn't driving yet so she comes to pick him up. Last time we had a confrontation, it was because she was at my house trying to pick him up and help him collect his things before they left. She was SUPPOSED to be there and gone before I ever got home, but instead she was there when I arrived. That sorta thing happens occasionally. I really need to set some ground rules so that doesn't happen again.
In other cases, its because she has tried to be my friend. She will come over to get the youngest and take him to dinner, and she would invite me to come along. Other times, she has tried to invite me to come to a movie with the kids. I have never accepted this offer. But I have gone to dinner a few times with them over the past couple of months. If I had only knew what kind of monster I was dealing with, I would have never agreed. I thought she was just trying to maintain relations with me because maybe there was hope for a future.
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
Oh, Pain, how horrible for you.
I think that confronting her is keeping the drama going -- which is not good for you and your recovery. I'd keep the emails, but I wouldn't bring it up. You are divorced now. And now you know that you were right right right more than right. Confronting her just feeds the beast.
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
The spouses and gf of the men she is cheating with have a right to know, especially because of the STD.
Never ever admit about the email. Frankly, the cops couldn't careless that you got in there. They have much bigger things to work on than a cheaters secret being exposed because her ex read her email.
But if you are worried, simply do no say how you found out.
But do out her to her bfs wives and gf. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.
Pain,
Whatever works for you!
You could also expose by culling out some facts from the emails that you can include that shows beyond a doubt that she had an affair
Perhaps construct the email so that it looks like a PI may have given you the info?
Definitively expose to the OM wife or GF if they are still together. The OM wife also deserves the truth you've just uncovered.
Sorry but I know I would be concerned with what's been said about me for the past year, especially if it isn't true. More than likely, you've been painted as a controling spouse at best to justify her actions to herself and others.
But again, do only waht you want to do and I believe that this revealation will help you move on sooner and find someone who will truly care for you
I googled it.. Seems like the interwebs are pretty against it.
They are also against cheating, didn't seem to influence your ex much did it?
Do what another poster did here in the last couple of days, actually call the cops and try to report that you ex has been reading your emails. Beprepated to get blown off as a waste of time. Posted via Mobile Device
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Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them. 
