What do people fight about?
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What do people fight about?

I can honestly say I've never fought in a relationship, ever.

Even when I was married, I always watched my temper when it came to dealing with my ex husband, and only once did we have even one blow out that resembled a fight (he said F you to me, and I lowered my voice to barely audible and told him not to talk to me like that. I MAY have dropped an F bomb in there somewhere). Once, in seven years. I don't like confrontations, but is it healthy to not fight with your partner? I have voiced unhappiness or displeasure in my current relationship, but even now after a year, we've never had anything like a fight.

Now that's not to say I don't get angry or I've never gotten irritated with my S/O, I just don't know how to fight, what things normal people fight over and how to fight without it becoming personal attacks. I've got a very nasty attitude a good majority of the time, and maybe that is why I watch my tongue, I don't want to say something I do not mean, hurt my partners feelings or be flat out awful.

My sex life is good, finances are fine (neither one of us spend money on big things and our bills are paid and children are taken care of) we've been over coming some obsticles, which I think our relationship is a lot better for (at least, I hope they are). So what's left to fight over?

Am I like completely abnormal? Should we argue more? Is it unhealthy for a relationship not to have some fights in it?
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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Originally Posted by ScaredandUnsure View Post
I can honestly say I've never fought in a relationship, ever.

Even when I was married, I always watched my temper when it came to dealing with my ex husband, and only once did we have even one blow out that resembled a fight (he said F you to me, and I lowered my voice to barely audible and told him not to talk to me like that. I MAY have dropped an F bomb in there somewhere). Once, in seven years. I don't like confrontations, but is it healthy to not fight with your partner? I have voiced unhappiness or displeasure in my current relationship, but even now after a year, we've never had anything like a fight.

Now that's not to say I don't get angry or I've never gotten irritated with my S/O, I just don't know how to fight, what things normal people fight over and how to fight without it becoming personal attacks. I've got a very nasty attitude a good majority of the time, and maybe that is why I watch my tongue, I don't want to say something I do not mean, hurt my partners feelings or be flat out awful.

My sex life is good, finances are fine (neither one of us spend money on big things and our bills are paid and children are taken care of) we've been over coming some obsticles, which I think our relationship is a lot better for (at least, I hope they are). So what's left to fight over?

Am I like completely abnormal? Should we argue more? Is it unhealthy for a relationship not to have some fights in it?


In my learned experience, I'd have to say: (1) Money~either not enough or the purported misallocation of those funds. (2) Power~trust me: it may well come to that if one has sole control of the social agenda for the two of you. (3) Kids~ who spoils them worse, who looks after them more, et. al. (4)Communication~a classic one; "he said-she said."
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

Personally I think we should argue about your lack of arguing!

Seriously though it does depend on the people involved as to how much (if at all) a couple will argue.

My personal belief is that couples that never argue are more than likely sweeping things under the rug. Sometimes people can get away with doing that for life, though often times that's coupled with resentment over time.

Things left unsaid that are important, eventually will come out. The longer it takes for them to come out, the more violently it affects the relationship.

I look at it like a volcano. If it erupts a little at a time then things are kept under control. Otherwise you can end up with a Mt. St. Helens in the marriage, where things appear to be fine until they explode and destroy almost everything.

You are either a couple that communicates so well and agrees so easily on things that nothing ever comes to a head, or you sweeping things under the rug and those issues will pull some version of a Mt St Helens on you.

Only the two of you can answer that. Just make sure you are being 100% honest with each other about everything. That you are really sharing all your thoughts, hopes and dreams for the marriage and life.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

Money. Definitely. Money is the root of most of our arguments. Not necessarily often getting to yelling angry "fights".
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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In my learned experience, I'd have to say: (1) Money~either not enough or the purported misallocation of those funds. (2) Power~trust me: it may well come to that (3) Kids~ who spoils them worse, who looks after them more, et. al.
Hm, yeah kids, my kids act up a lot and it has been a problem. I've given my S/O the power to talk to them firmly if needed, send them to their rooms, take things away from them, ground them. The only thing that is mine alone is spanking, if needed which isn't often.

What do you mean by power? I'm all for him being head of household, and having the final say in things.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

We don't argue much these days...we did alot more when we were youngsters and less agreeable and mellow. I think our communication has, in general, improved that we can sort most issues without them becoming a big issue!

In the past year or so the only real arguement was over lies/money/secrets H was keeping. It was a major big deal and could have gone very badly. But we kept talking and listening.

I'm always suspicious of people who say they NEVER argue... to me conflict and anger are normal healthy states. If you never argue I believe you must bend and flex more than your spouse. Which if it works for you is ok I guess!

You seem fine about it.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:38 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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Money. Definitely. Money is the root of most of our arguments. Not necessarily often getting to yelling angry "fights".
In our marriage it's about sex, and to a lesser extent time management. The issues are are varied as the number of couples out there.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

Do you know... the biggest thing we have argued about? Lack of communication! Funny, right? But it's true. Yes, we argue about money, kids, family (extended, mostly), friends... but most of the arguments have centered around lack of communication.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

I think people who don't argue at all either have great communication skills and/or are so in touch with each other or, more likely in my opinion, there's some conflict avoidance tendencies in one or both. An argument doesn't have to be something you see on the Bad Girls Club show on cable television nor does it have to involve "F" bombs or profanity. I think in a healthy relationship there is inevitably some arguments. My husband and I have heated disagreements a few times a year. We don't swear at each other and there's no personal attacks. We're both very conscious of now using "I" statements. "When you do this....I feel xxxxx". It's very self-help bookish I know, but talking that way in an argument keeps things focused on the issue. We also don't drag old arguments that we've resolved. Not keeping score is a big thing for us now.

I see the "we don't argue" type in my family. Some of them are major conflict avoiders. They'd rather go along than really voice what they think. Of course not every thought is worth voicing and one must pick one's battles, but there are times where I know a particular relative is suppressing something so as not to rock the boat.

People tend to argue about (in no particular order) sex, money (saving v. spending), child rearing, domestic responsibilities/who does what/how often.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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Originally Posted by waiwera View Post
We don't argue much these days...we did alot more when we were youngsters and less agreeable and mellow. I think our communication has, in general, improved that we can sort most issues without them becoming a big issue!

In the past year or so the only real arguement was over lies/money/secrets H was keeping. It was a major big deal and could have gone very badly. But we kept talking and listening.

I'm always suspicious of people who say they NEVER argue... to me conflict and anger are normal healthy states. If you never argue I believe you must bend and flex more than your spouse. Which if it works for you is ok I guess!

You seem fine about it.
Yeah, that's what I've been thinking about, are we sweeping stuff under the rug when it comes to things we disagree with? It takes a lot to really piss me off to the point where I actually WANT to argue with someone. I used to get bent out of shape over political or religious debates and I would try to debate with my ex husband and he told me flat out I needed to join a debate team or a debate forum, he wasn't interested in debating with me.

With my S/O, I don't want to argue with him, if I have an issue I will address it with him. We've had communication issues a few times where neither one of us was talking and we internalized it and it festered into something that could of been avoided by simply talking it out and compromising.

Or it could be that I really am a wuss when it comes to arguing, that I roll over and take whatever comes my way. Like if I fought back, maybe he would tire of me and think I wasn't worth being with. But I think that has a lot to do with my self esteem.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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Do you know... the biggest thing we have argued about? Lack of communication! Funny, right? But it's true. Yes, we argue about money, kids, family (extended, mostly), friends... but most of the arguments have centered around lack of communication.
Yes! Communication is the one thing that has caused us some distress a few times. It is indeed funny now that I think about it!
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

The first three years with my ex we barely had an argument.

We started fighting around the time things started going down hill (without me knowing about any of it.) Most of our fights were about lifestyles, responsibility, and general adult like and non adult like behavior.

What it really was, was the ex wanting to go back to the lifestyle he had BEFORE we were together, and doing so while I wasn't looking. all of the secrecy coming to a head is what ended us.

before, we never fought about money, goals, housework, any of it. We always talked our issues out. Looking back, I guess only one of us was really talking.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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Yes! Communication is the one thing that has caused us some distress a few times. It is indeed funny now that I think about it!
LOL But I have learned that make up sex after an argument is a lot of fun! That doesn't mean I start arguments just to have sex tho!
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What do people fight about?

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.

What do you mean by power? I'm all for him being head of household, and having the final say in things.
See this would provoke an argument in my household!

I don't think my husband should have the final say in things. What special qualifications does he (my husband) have that I don't? Anyway I don't think my husband would want to have the final say in things that are important to as a couple and to our family.

Your mileage of course varies...
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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The first three years with my ex we barely had an argument.

We started fighting around the time things started going down hill (without me knowing about any of it.) Most of our fights were about lifestyles, responsibility, and general adult like and non adult like behavior.

What it really was, was the ex wanting to go back to the lifestyle he had BEFORE we were together, and doing so while I wasn't looking. all of the secrecy coming to a head is what ended us.

before, we never fought about money, goals, housework, any of it. We always talked our issues out. Looking back, I guess only one of us was really talking.
That sucks. Secrecy is awful and so is not talking to your partner. I can't stand it when someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, but won't leave. Like they're doing you some favor by sticking around when it would be better to just go. I told my oldest sons father that I had to leave because he was out doing his thing (with other women) and wasn't helping me raise the child he begged me for, that I was going to find someone else, because he was certainly replaceable.
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