General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
63 years old, wife a few months younger, happily married 13 years, lots of shared interests, good sex life, both attractive (I think) and well groomed.
My hair is turning gray rapidly - still some pepper, but mostly salt/gray. But I have a full head of hair, and it is strong and thick, and well cared for.
My wife wants me to color it to cover the gray. I do not want to do so. I have done so in the past, it did not work well, and caused some problems. She has now resorted to insults to try to get me to do this - "you are not the man I married", "you look like your brother" (this is an insult) and moral blackmail "if you cared about me you would do it".
When she behaves like this we have a major row. I hate rows, they leave me feeling shaken, but I will not be steamrollered. The situation is starting to make me unhappy. I have never posted a request for relationship advice before.
Am I being unreasonable to expect her to accept me as I really am?
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~~~ SW ~~~
~ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you". Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"...She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine.
I think it's extremely insulting for one spouse to tell the other how they should look to please them. You can express an opinion (probably not a good idea to unless it's solicited), such as you look really good in blue, you should get more blue clothes, but to insult, berate and blackmail them? NOT ok, at ALL.
This isn't about your hair, it's about your wife's attitude.
For her to speak to you that way indicates complete lack of respect.
As far as your actual question which is really not the issue here, you can either do as you please or accept that you're in a relationship and your partners feelings have some weight.
Maybe try that touch of grey stuff, you can apply it in stages over time, and make gradual changes. It's really easy to use, just comb it through your hair as you squeeze the tube, let it set, jump in the shower to rinse off the excess and you're done.
I did that because a previous girlfriend asked me too, and now my present girlfriend says she likes the gray so I let it be.
I personally liked having less grey but why go through the effort if my gf is ok with me as I am.
an alternative is to bring home all sorts of outrageous outfits for her and state that you will color your hair if she wears the clown or bear costume out in public
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Re: Wife hates my gray hair
The problem with your marriage/wife goes several shades deeper than your hair. People age, she needs to deal with that. She is controlling and immature in my opinion. Your hair, keep it the way you like.
She is allowed to have her preferences but she is being shallow and also hurting your marriage by hurling insults towards you. I mean she married you because of the whole package, and greying is part of life... What if you were balding would she be demanding you make it grow back?
She's trying to vicariously hold onto her youth by keeping you looking young - even if it's not what you want. People trying to live vicariously (think obnoxious kids sports parents) can be obsessed and totally lose perspective.
Don't engage her emotionally - you can't win. When she tries to manipulate you just don't react or if you do say, "well I believe if you really cared for me you would give some consideration to how I feel -especially since it's my body" and leave it at that - again NO EMOTION.
Emotion is her weapon - she knows she can out drama you and she thinks eventually you'll cave. Your only defense is to take away her weapon - don't give her your emotional reaction to beat you with.
My husband isn't a fan of extremely short hair on women. Knowing his preference, I don't get haircuts that are extremely short. Getting a haircut he likes isn't a big deal to me. Neither is hair color. If everything else in the marriage is going well, I don't see the problem with accomodating my spouse's preference on an issue like haircut or haircolor.
I don't disagree with Dean, but like Tacoma I think it depends on the approach. With the proper amount of sweet talk and eye-batting, I'd probably wear my hair any way she wanted. But I wouldn't be berated and insulted into anything. My back would be up and I'd get contrary in a hurry.
I guess if your wife didn't want to wear makeup, be in sweats and a T shirt all day you would be ok with that?
I do this sometimes. Actually I never wear make up. I also don't shave my pits as often as maybe I should. Not because I'm lazy but because I get ingrown hairs, and make up has some nasty chemicals in it I don't want on me. And sweats are WAY more comfortable than jeans or dress shirts or stuff. Actually, I would wear the pareo I got in Kaua'i ALL the time if I could. Hubby likes that tho
Anyway, my point is that I am well aware my hubby would prefer I didn't wear Tshirts and sweats, but he also knows if I'm relaxing I like to be comfy. He certainly doesn't berate me and insult me about it. I make sure I look nice when we go out, I stay in my work clothes till he gets home so I am greeting him with a kiss and not in my PJ pants, and I dress the way I know he likes at least once a week just to be with him and for no other reason.
The issue here isn't his grey hair, it's her total lack of respect.
Wanting to look nice for your spouse comes naturally when you know your spouse loves, respects and cherishes you. His wife obviously doesn't.
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Wife hates my gray hair 
