General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'd like to clarify something here, I am no longer angry with her all the time, I do not handle my anger immaturely, like I had said, my wife states that it is like she traded an angry man for a very sad man.
I do not discount her reasons, and I take responsibility for my hand in the problems with our relationship, however, when your spouse is sad and you repeatedly try to find out why and she further alienates you, then pines so hard over an ex boyfriend that she actually writes "I am not sure if my marriage is really that bad or if my love for (other man) is causing me all these problems?" then it becomes quite apparent that her reasoning is, at the very least, flawed.
Like I said though, I am letting it go, it is about fixing myself. I don't go to her and tell her that she's WRONG for what she believes, I am just trying hard to let her have space right now as best I can. We still live together, sleep in the same bed, have sex from time to time, I am doing my part to try and be a good husband, it is just sometimes hard because I feel very stressed.
Echoing others, sorry to hear you're going through this situation. Speaking from experience...anger is rooted in feelings of low self-esteem. Once you feel better about yourself, calmer in yourself, and love yourself a little more....it will come across to her. Whether or not she feels "too little too late" is not your concern. You are the one who has to make the positive changes...for yourself...not for her and not to "save the marriage". There are two sides to love. You can only take care of your side.
She came out today and stated that she has been unhappy this entire last year, for different reasons. She says she has "tried to make this work" but that now she is "unhappy and sad and only feels comfortable when it is just her and the kids", which I don't understand, I've been more supportive, doing dishes more, more meals, etc.
She said earlier today that she is done. She said that she tried this last year but that she never "got that feeling" back.
Now I'm devastated. I look at my kids and I get choked up, I wanted to fix this, I wanted to make things okay, I knew I wasn't the best husband but I was pretty dang good and a very good father to my children.
I just don't know now what I'm even going to do. Everything in my life is wrapped around my wife and my two children, 4 and 2 years old (girl and boy), now I'm utterly destroyed...
What do you do when you still love your spouse more than anything? What do you do when you've allowed yourself to be nearly dehumanized over the course of a year as you try and fix things? What do you do when they just tell you all the time that they are "unhappy" and now they say they only said "I love you because I didn't want to hurt you"...
I don't want to give up on us, should I? Should I just say to hell with this and give up? After a year of waiting for something to change, and now her talking about separating and a divorce all at once? I want to fight to save this but I don't know even what I'm fighting for anymore, I'm a man in tears right now...
Oh, Pol. You'll get lots of advice about what to do, but until that kicks in, I'm just sending you a big hug. It's a hard, hard thing to hear. My thoughts will be with you tonight.
That stuff I posted before helped me, but I was still on the path to my wife moving out until I read Married Man's Sex Life and that's what really dealt with the spark my wife needed from me. If that advice hasn't already been given, then read it tonight as a download from Amazon.
__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
I'm a huge fxxxing failure, at everything. I can't make my marriage work, my job may end in August, now I'm going to lose my kids, and who knows what else. Not to mention losing my wife, whom I love so tremendously. I tried so hard, and thought we got so far, but she utterly shattered my heart today, just smashed it. I haven't even gotten so far as to think about what we are going to do with the kids, it hurts me even more to think about them trying to understand why mommy and daddy aren't raising them together... i sit here with tears streaming down my face thinking about it. I do NOT want this to happen... WHY did she have kids with me if she wasn't sure about things????? This is NOT fair... this is not how things are supposed to be. And Father's Day tomorrow, happy day for me oh joy All I ever wanted I had, the house, the wonderful wife, the amazing 2 kids... why... WHY??? This just plain sucks so bad.
I just want to go to bed and wake up and have this all have been a bad dream. I don't want to have to explain to my children that "mommy and daddy are not going to be together anymore"... I hear them playing in the other room, they should be sleeping but i don't have the heart to yell at them tonite, my 4 year old, she knows something is up, she was trying most of the day to hug me and just talk to me about whatever... so precious, I love them both so much.
Po, what you're going through is tough, no doubt. It sucks big time. But the key to all of it is learning to like and value yourself. It may be too late to save your marriage, or it may not. None of us a crystal ball that will predict what will happen when both the mad man and the sad man are gone, but I can guarantee you that when you find happiness in yourself, everything will look better and you'll feel a sense of hope.
Some of that just takes time, but you need to work on you. If you are unhappy and feel like your counselor is just repeating things back to you, find another counselor. It sounds like you're seeing a psychoanalyst, which is perhaps not the best choice for you. If necessary, get on Tricare standard and shell out the 20% to see someone who is going to be more helpful.
In the meantime, practice positive affirmations. Look at yourself and talk to yourself in the bathroom mirror at least every morning, if not several times a day - NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT FEELS. Remind yourself of the things you've done that are successful. Remind yourself of the people who love you and why they do. Remind yourself that you're a strong guy and while you may feel down sometimes, you'll always emerge stronger and better than before.
Buddy, I know you are hurting right now. From what I have heard from your story it sounds almost exactly like mine. I contributed to the downfall of my marriage. I did a lot of things wrong. But....So did my ex wife. We both contributed to it. I got angry and bitter over a stretch of about 5 months. That's all it took to make our entire marriage into the worst thing ever for her. The entire history was re-written in that amount of time. THat's all it took for another man to take my place. I got help after that but it was too late for my ex.
I worked my ass off trying to save things after that point. I made a damn fool of myself is what I did. I should have used that time to just work on myself and give the ex her room and figure out what I wanted and needed out of life. Instead, I spent the entire divorce process trying to figure out a way to save my marriage like I had for the prior 5 or 6 months. I spent a year becoming something that I am ashamed of. I've also spent the last year being divorced trying to process all of it. I'm a totally different man today than I was then.
Here's the deal. Nothing anyone is going to say to you is going to help ease the pain right now. Cry away as needed. You are hurting and scared but at the same time you have to take care of yourself through all of this. It is going to get worst before it gets better. I'm assuming, like my ex, that your wife already has her exit strategy in place and is already seeing this other dude. You are way behind in this mess.
Here are a few things you must do and pronto....
First, talk to your family. Let them know what is going on. You will need their emotional support. I could not have made it through this without my parents.
Second, get your finances figured out. If you have credit cards I would put a hold on them. My ex took money out of our joint account to pay for a lawyer behind my back. Plus she wracked up lots of credit card debt. I'm still paying for that now.
Start looking for lawyers. Even if your wife changes her mind you must find out what you need to do to protect yourself. Talk to 2 or 3 different ones and figure out what you can do. Find someone that specializes in getting maximum time with the kids for the dad. This is where my entire focus was in my divorce. I'm going to have to go another round in this area next year because my ex wife's child support from her first husband is going to be over and she is going to be coming after me for money after next year. You must have a plan in place here.
Next, find a counselor. I think you said something in one of your threads about being military. If this is the case contact the military and find out about counseling services. Perhaps they can help you. You need to sort through your feelings early on. Remember, you are behind.
Sorry for the book but I just went through this a year ago and I was a mess and didn't wake up in time. Don't make the same mistake. Work on you, focus on the kids, if she wants a divorce do not try to change her mind. It will do absolutely no good to beg and plead for anything.
Message me if you need anything. This is going to be the toughest test of your life if you are anything like I am and from reading your post it sounds too similar.
Thank you for the advice. RIght now she is still in the house with me.
She refuses to talk about anything, she says "I'm done, I don't want to argue" when in fact everytime we have a conversation she can't rationally talk she blows up about it, which is what I USED to do but now I try to use the effective communication strategies like "So what I am hearing is that you..." and "I feel as though, when you say this, that you..." but even that isn't working now. Rational conversations to her become "arguments" any time that something being said doesn't seem to fit in with what her view of the situation is.
As far as the other person in her life, the only person I know of is this unhealthy obsession she has over a guy she met 12 years ago, had sex with (before we were together) then made contact with again (didn't have sex), he is married with 2 kids. She has been adamant about not wanting to be with him, about him "not being an issue", despite my having seen some of what she wrote about him in her journal, "can't ever love someone again like him" and so forth. She is in love in her mind with a guy from 12 years ago who never really did exist, he is a womanizer, I've seen his kind before, he had sex with her and then disappeared for several months, didn't return her calls, didn't answer emails, just POOF vanished after getting the sex.
I don't understand anything anymore, I don't know why she is so unhappy. We went to a marriage retreat in April and it went so wonderful, it felt like we were turning over a new leaf. But twice since then we've had disagreements and both times she ran right too the "I'm done, I can't do this anymore" point, which 1) stabs me right in the heart, again and again, and 2) leaves me with no recourse, it corners me in a situation where I either a) say "screw it then, just go, or b) "oh we are okay baby, everything is okay, I'm sorry" when I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM APOLOGIZING FOR :_( Then I end up nearly in tears later by myself wondering where the MAN in me has gone.
This just isn't fair, not fair at all... It isn't fair for me, it most CERTAINLY is not fair for our children. I don't even know how to start working in protecting myself in divorce proceedings. I don't want to go to war with this woman *sigh* The woman that I love is circling the wagons against ME though so I'm stuck now.
Add to that my job situation is changing rapidly and my 60K a year job may be over here in the next couple months, which makes things worse, I have maybe 5K in savings now, because I've paid so much money for day care and for her car and other things so she could continue to go to school full time. How do I use all my savings to get a lawyer, and leave me with nothing???
I don't know what to do with her still in the house, it is like, the last thing I want is for her to leave, you know? I want her here, I want my kids here. I am in Nebraska, she is talking about going to Wisconsin with the kids, says things like "Oh it is okay you'll be able to have the kids each summer" AND GOD DXXXIT I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND 9 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR WITHOUT THEM!!! Even the thought of it makes me want to explode. I do not want to be 10 hours from my children.
What can I do here, so much is floating in my head, all I want to know is WHY she is so unhappy, and how I can help, but she doesn't want to talk about anything.
This past year we had two goals, one for each of us, when it came to our marriage counseling.
1) I needed to be nicer and cater more to her needs, listen better.
2) She needed to communicate better and let me know what she is feeling.
I feel like I fulfilled my part, to the point where I became an emotional idiot trying to figure out what was going on in her head, she tried at times to talk to me, but more often than not she seemed to clam up and revert back to the way it was before, quiet and putting a smile on her face like nothing is wrong.
I have to try and keep my head up, I have to maintain myself, I know all of this, but I've never had to do anything like this before. This is without a doubt the worst 24 hours of my life. It doesn't hurt as much as it did a year ago March when she told me she wasn't happy and didn't love me, but I still never expected to do all this work, self counseling, marriage counseling, medication, etc, only to have her just go right back to that same place and tell me now for sure she wants out...
The nice guy routine is not working. I'll make this short. Please respond. Have you or have you not yet read Mallrried Man's Sex Life? The question is a bit rhetorical, I doubt you have because you sound out of control.
I'll try again getting this through to you, I think I was a bit out of control but not as bad as you. Reading that book turned it around. I'm keeping this short in hopes I get your attention. You want a long explanation to convince you to take my recommendation, I'll give it.
Here's the short version. My wife was leaving me because I was a wimp to her and she wanted a man. Trying to listen to her words made no sense. Being nice and being rational didn't work. Counseling didn't work. Reading the book and becoming a man WORKED.
__________________
The thread linked below is about as close as I get to my story, it has my posts about the point where I turned my marriage around and on the day my wife was planning to move out, instead we started a new beginning. I've been keeping my updates in this thead as well: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...-sex-life.html
I will download that book and start reading it, but I have to tell you, she is already talking divorce, and she wants out completely, and right now she does NOT want to talk about it. I don't know if this can help, can it? the Book?
23Likes
Re: How Do I Let Go Enough To Fix My Marriage? 
