bluemoon

Hi everyone! This is my first post to this site, although I have been looking around for the past week and everyone seems very helpful.

Here’s my situation. I’m 27, husband is 31. We’ve been together for about 8 years, and will be married for 4 in May. We have 2 kids, ages 2 and 5 months. 2 weeks ago, my husband dropped a bomb on me and told me he was no longer in love with me, and was afraid that if things didn’t change we would be heading for a divorce. I was/am devastated. I knew that some things needed to change in our relationship, but I had no idea that these things were affecting my husband so much to the point where he was considering leaving and was no longer in love with me.

Our major problems started when I got pregnant with our 1st son. The pregnancy was not planned, and although we were absolutely thrilled, we were unprepared to be at that stage in our lives already. That’s when sex came to a grinding halt. I felt too awkward and nervous to have sex while pregnant, and we discussed that and he was cool with it. After our baby was born, we stayed with our parents for a while to save up money to buy our own house. The sex didn’t return – our baby was in our room with us, and we were in my parents house and there just wasn’t time/space. I also felt so awful about my new body that I was embarrassed to show my husband. My son was an extremely colicky baby, and I developed post-partum depression and looking back on it I guess I just shut down. We never went out, never had sex and never really connected emotionally anymore. I’d say in the past 3 years we have probably had sex 10 times. It’s embarrassing to write that.

So, our main issues are the lack of sex, lack of an emotional connection and lack of “together time.” I also have a lot of issues that I need to work on within myself. My body image, for example. I find it very difficult to be physically intimate because I am so ashamed of my post-baby body. My husband tells me I’m beautiful, but it’s hard to believe him when I don’t believe that myself. I also have social anxiety issues and find it hard to make friends and get out of the house. My husband is a social butterfly and finds my social insecurities hard to deal with. I hate that I’m like this, and I would love to be more social and I’m trying, I really am.

While my husband says he is no longer in love with me, he says he still loves me and wants us to be together if things change. However, he is afraid he will be unable to get his “in love” feelings back for me. I can’t even describe to you how much it hurts to know that the man you’re in love with is not in love with you. It is the worst feeling I have ever had. I do not want to lose my husband and I have felt physically sick all week at the thought of it. I am so, so scared that he will decide he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

We started counseling and I’m hopeful, yet afraid to get my hopes up too high. I’m afraid that by forcing myself to make these much needed changes and re-connecting with my husband, I will find myself even more deeply in love with him and then it will hurt even worse when he leaves.

What I need help with is what I should do now. I want to cry, mope and feel awful all the time, although I know this is not the way. I want to bring it up with him and talk about it all the time but every time I do he gets angry and says that the more I bother him about it, the worse he’s going to feel. I am desperate to save our marriage, but I have no idea how to act. I try to be affectionate but I feel like I’m hugging/kissing a board. I lose sleep over this while he snoozes away next to me. I tell him I love him, and he just says “I love” in this mopey kind of “ugggh” way. I am trying to get myself and my kids out of the house more and work on my own happiness, but this is hanging over my head and affecting everything I do. It’s hard not to focus on it.

I know this will take time, but what I don’t know is how to act in the meantime. How do I show him affection and love without also smothering him or making him think I’m not being authentic with my affection? How do I work on my own issues without obsessing over my crumbling marriage? How can I save us?

I just want us to be happy so badly. While I know I would survive without him, I don’t want to, and I just can’t even picture my life without him as my husband. Any advice would be much appreciated. This is the darkest time of my life thus far and I’m so sad and scared

JDPreacher

If you haven't seen a doctor about the PPD you might want to, sounds like you may be depressed beyond that and might use some help to get your back to feeling like your old self.

Babies tax a marriage and it sounds like you're having some issues getting things back to what they were.

You still have your baby body, nothing wrong with that...and it sounds like your husband doesn't mind so the biggest thing is trying to alter how you feel.

My advice would be to go to the local gym or Y and work out a little a couple of times a week...go and buy yourself something that you think makes you look and feel sexy...serves many purposes here, gets you out of the house and away from the kids, makes you feel better about yourself and when you wear it, shows your husband you aren't going to give up and let whatever happens, happen.

It's not an easy proposition, what you are facing, but if you are determined and you try, even if things don't end up the way you hope, you can at least say you tried...

But take care of yourself first and by doing so, you can better take care of your husband.

Blessed Be,
Preacher

marina72

bluemoon...

You're so sad, I can see that. You are beautiful, having babies is the most wonderful thing a woman can do. And if your hubby likes your body, try to just believe him.

What I think you should do... is tell your hubby, while you're alone, everything you just told us.

Write him a letter if you can't tell him.

But I'd take him out, to a park, alone, or somewhere that you can be sure you won't be interrupted, and really pour your heart out.

perhaps he doesn't realize just how hard you've had it? And how devestating it is to hear that your husband does not love you anymore.

Talking to him, even if he doesn't want to, is the only way you two can even start the process of reconnecting.

You can't begin making love, going out, having a good time again, if he won't even sit down and talk things over with you.

I hope you can convince him of this.

If he doesn't want to talk right now. Write him a detailed letter. That might be helpful. He can read it, and reread it, at his own leisure.

Sounds like you two just got lost in the world that is babies, and motherhood and fatherhood, and forgot all about your marraige.

But it's not all you Bluemoon, and your husband will have to take some responsiblity for the drifting apart. He can't blame it all on you. That's unfair, and it's almost never the case. A marriage takes two.

Talk to him....

FHLove

There is a book called "The Love Dare". It is basically a 40 day "dare" designed to help you show your spouse the love you have for him/her. If you follow it the way it is meant to be followed, it will help your husband see his true feelings for you. It starts off slow, but gets more involved the farther into the book you get. I am on Day 9 with my wife, and it seems we are making some progress. She said the same thing to me about loving me, but not sure she is still in love with me.

I think the book works better if you don't let him know you're reading it. That way, he isn't looking for u do to these things and he doesn't seem skeptical about it.

Its only $15 and I promise it won't make things worse, it can only help.

Hope things work out for you.

snix11

Try the Marriage Fitness stuff. There is a ton of free stuff on their website that can really help. It's great for re-connecting when there is bad feelings between two people.

Plus it will help you too talk, and perhaps even fall back in love!

Good luck

bluemoon

Thanks for the advice everyone - I truly appreciate it. I will check out your recommendations.

We have talked about it, so it's not like he just isn't talking, it's just that I seem to want to talk about it more often. He will talk if I need him to, but it annoys him when I bring it up repeatedly and I sense I'm pushing him further away by doing so. So I begin to keep things inside, and then it eats away at me. This has been another issue in our relationship, me feeling like expressing my feelings annoys him. I guess I just need reassurance from him, but I'm not sure how he can reassure me when he isn't feeling reassured himself.

I am just so afraid that it's too late to show him how much I really love him. I don't think I necessarily treated him poorly, we just lost sight of each other. I was feeling really hopeful until he mentioned the other day that he's scared he will never get his feelings back for me. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Now I'm worried that I will pour my heart into this only to be hurt 10 times worse.

I just don't want to lose my husband I am trying so hard to show him how much I love him and that I'm willing to make changes, but I'm afraid he isn't paying much attention anymore I'm having trouble finding the balance between trying too hard and not trying hard enough.

This is just awful