General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've never discussed my problems on a forum before - only with my mother and sister. They of course are very supportive, but my husband says they are biased (being family, I suppose they may be). So I'd be grateful for some independent views.
When I met him, my husband was not happy in his work so some 13 years ago, I agreed to financially support him through postgraduate courses to help him achieve his career goals. (We've been married for almost 18 years) It wasn't easy: we had two children under the age of 5. He went off to London through the week and I juggled work and motherhood with the help of family and a childminder. Having completed his studies, he set up his own business and 10 years ago, I agreed to join him in partnership because he needed someone to perform some part-time secretarial/reception duties for him. Soon, the business gathered steam and we discussed the fact that it made sense for me to give up my own career to concentrate on the partnership full time - because he had higher earning potential.
He's the type of person who is a perfectionist, but he also believes that he should only be responsible for his professional role in the business. So, I've had to take on more of a managerial role, as well as playing secretary, receptionist and accounts manager. He never comments on a job well done, but tends to nit pick if I don't do something as quickly as he wants it done. Last year, I employed someone two days a week to help with reception duties because I was leaving the house at 8am, not getting back till 7.30pm and then having to make a family meal. This clearly wasn't ideal and he was complaining about meals being so late.
He has been wanting to move to a better business premises for a long time and we'd looked at a few places over the years. Last summer, we finally found somewhere and applied for a commercial mortgage. The property needed a lot of work doing to it and, again, because he feels that he should just stick to his professional role and nothing extra - the project was left up to me to project manage....on top of my normal work. Each time, I asked for help, I was told that he didn't have the time, or that he couldn't work with me! We are now in the new premises and, having spent our savings on repairing and refurbishing the property, cash flow is a little tight to say the least. We had to do "dilapidations" for the landlord on our old business premises and and were obliged to take out walls we'd put in. So over the past week - following the builder, I've had to spend my evenings cleaning up the dust in there, and preparing and painting 15ft high walls on a pair of step ladders. He's never acknowledged all of my hard work in getting the new premises up and running or getting the dilapidations schedule completed. He's never once said thank you, but he has complained that throughout all of this, I'd not been managing to get invoices out immediately, or be quite as efficient about keeping on top of stock levels and reordering!
All he seems to do is complain about how "Mickey Mouse we are". He wants all of the work completed to perfection, but as a small business there is not a bottomless financial bucket and we simply can't afford to sit back and pay others to do all of the work. We have a commercial mortgage and a business loan...and we've exhausted our savings. For me, it's simple - you either lower your expectations about what you want to do....or you have to roll up your sleeves and do some additional work yourselves!
A couple of months ago, his ex-wife (who divorced him over 20 years ago) made contact with him again and they arranged a meeting. I did not object to this - her initial letter was such an emotional outpouring that I wondered if the woman had a terminal illness or something. She hasn't - she's just fed up with her own husband and wants a divorce and has given my husband the story of all of her woes, telling him that she still loves him and that they were so much more compatible. Then my husband started to hide his mobile phone... and I began to be a little concerned.
One or two days a week, we tend travel to work together to save on costs but on the day of my birthday recently, the first thing he said to me on waking up was, "Can you take your own car this morning because I'm going to meet (my ex wife) after work". Then about 20 minutes later, he tossed a card onto the bed as I was getting dressed and said, "Happy Birthday". I was devastated and got upset. He has told me that it has nothing to do with me if he wants to have renewed contact with his ex wife and commented that I never do anything anyway (er...but that is because I've been working all hours God sends so I haven't had much time left. And that's only been because he is so protective about what he is and is not prepared to do and about trying to protect his own "free time").
In essence, I feel used. Yes, I know it's partly my fault for sacrificing so much to help him achieve his goals, but if he'd seemed the least bit grateful or had indulged a bit in "team work", instead of moaning all the time, it would have been worth it. He tells me that my name is on the partnership deed and that legally I can't start back-pedalling in my business duties. He tells me that this is what I subscribed up to and doesn't have the least bit sympathy about my workload. He's had the audacity to say that I don't know what hard work is! Meanwhile, everyone else - even his own parents seem worried that I'm about to have a physical and mental breakdown. He did want to take a heavy piece of equipment over to the business premises last weekend but yelled at me when I was struggling to help him lift it up the stairs. He still wants sex at the end of the day and complains that I'm often too tired to make much of an effort in this area. But I don't feel valued or respected and I don't feel that there is any "give and take"...there is just "take". So actually, it's not just the being tired aspect - it's the fact that I feel he doesn't seem to care about me as a person or his wife! I feel trapped, I'm exhausted and low and I really don't know what to do for the best.
Looks like a train-wreck coming, you're unhappy and been so for a number of years, he's not attending to your needs, ex-life will be nice and available, he's frustrated, a perfect storm for affair and divorce.
I guess you can talk to him about your concerns and if not, work on your finances.
I've tried talking to him rationally but it hasn't worked so far. Although he criticises and complains a lot, he's not good at effecting solutions - or even discussing possible solutions. As far as he sees it, self employed people have to work all hours God sends - end of. At least that goes for me, but he sees himself as an exception because he has a professional role. He says that if he wasn't strict about the time that he is prepared to give the business, then he'd be tired too and wouldn't be able to give his professional best.
I have explained that although I appreciate that his ex wife is having problems, it is not acceptable to keep agreeing to having private rendezvous. She had only just spent all evening with him last Wednesday and by mistake, he left his mobile phone in the office...and there she was suggesting a meet up less than 48 hours later on a Friday afternoon (He usually has Friday afternoons off but I have to work them). He claims that there is nothing going on, but he is so protective about that phone now - he even takes it into the bathroom when he has a shower and it no longer spends any time unattended and charging up on the dressing table. When I challenged him about his "elusive" mobile phone, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. I asked him where it was (and he normally borders on the OCD for organisation!) and he said he didn't know, but sent me on a wild goose chase to look in the car. Whilst I was outside at the car, he raced upstairs and I found him in his study with the phone and deleting texts! Apparently, this was because the memory was getting full?! Then two weekends ago, on a day when there was torrential rain, he left for half an hour to go into town....and was gone for 6 hours! I was worried because there was flash flooding on the roads and tried to telephone him. I couldn't get any reply. On his return, he claims he had decided to go for a walk....but if that was the case, he should have come home looking like a bedraggled rat, the weather was so bad! He was actually remarkably dry.
Whether he is meeting up with her more than he is letting on, I don't know. I just feel so hurt that he is prepared to spend time with her, and he says he's doing so because he wants to help her. Yet if I ask for help or for some of his time, he claims he has no time. He did not think it insensitive to be meeting up and going out for a drink with her on my birthday. He says that's just a silly "woman" thing.
He does not accept that his ingratitude is a problem - he just sarcastically asks whether I'm motivated because this is partly my business or because I want praise? That's not the point - I thought a partnership was about teamwork - working together, helping and supporting each other, discussing things...not just about leaving someone else to do all the donkey work and pick up the pieces.
I really don't know how to unravel all of this, or even whether it is even possible to do. He says he would not have a business if I left the business partnership, because no-one else would do what I do (Yep, I don't think he'd get many takers for the post of "General Dogsbody"). He has asked me to think about the consequences of back-pedalling - the clients I would be letting down, the financial consequences on the family including our children....I feel almost blackmailed into just putting up with the status quo.
Has anyone else been in any similar situation and if so, what on earth did you do about it?
Well, you could ask him if he's prepared to lose his business as a casualty of divorce. That might make him sit up and take notice. He's been using you as slave labor essentially. Because you have allowed this, he has lost respect for you. Stand up for yourself. By that I mean, put yourself first. Put in an 8 hour day, and then clock out (mentally if not literally). If he complains, let him know that he can take up that slack. You work 12 hour days and he gets afternoons off? WTF?!
Unless they have children together, there is no reason for him to "reconnect" with his ex-wife. Period. I agree with the above posters... stand up for yourself. Tell him that if his behavior doesn't improve (INCLUDING cutting contact with his ex!) then he needs to be prepared to lose half of his business, half of all marital assets, etc. And DON'T BACK DOWN! You have the gut feeling that something is amiss. It is very rare that your gut feeling is wrong. He's guarding his phone, deletes texts, meets up with the ex without you... You know what's going on, you just are afraid to admit it to yourself. CWI can help you figure it all out, if that is what you want....
Thank you for your replies. I think the last poster is right, I do want to deny that there is anything seriously wrong. I do just want to feel that this is a passing phase and that everything will turn out okay.
When you feel like you've spent years investing everything - emotionally, physically and mentally it is very difficult to admit that it might have been all in vain. You just feel like you're pounding away in the same old hamster wheel and although its a thankless existence, you're just too frightened to get off....and you don't know if you have the energy left to make that final jump either.
im sorry to hear all that you`ve been through, but if i were you i would contact a lawyer and try to leave him with the least you can ! its obvious he was going for the free ride ! How many years did you have to carry him? so he can pay you this way ? think of every wrong thing he has done to you,get the lawyer and HIT HIM WITH AL YOU GOT ! (figure of speech,...dont go kick the **** out of him and then say smiles told me to do it !) After he finds himself just like he started,you`ll se how is ex stops loving him AGAIN and he will "realize " his mistake ! that`s when you turn your back on him and say....**** HAPPENS DUDE ! i know its easier said than done, ive been there and was pregnant at the time ! but what i need you to realize is that you can make it on your own...HEY you wont have to carry him anymore ! Best wishes, Blessings !
Thank you for your replies. I think the last poster is right, I do want to deny that there is anything seriously wrong. I do just want to feel that this is a passing phase and that everything will turn out okay.
When you feel like you've spent years investing everything - emotionally, physically and mentally it is very difficult to admit that it might have been all in vain. You just feel like you're pounding away in the same old hamster wheel and although its a thankless existence, you're just too frightened to get off....and you don't know if you have the energy left to make that final jump either.
If you don't get out of your own head long enough to shut up and stop complaining, you are going to find yourself out on the street or no better off. He walks all over you and you keep letting him. Fear and lack of energy can be your excuse for as long as it takes to get nothing done......until he forces you to wake up to reality, despite his best efforts in the past. Start doing something other than complaining. Go see a lawyer right now.
What you really should do is pack his stuff and have them sitting in the driveway when he comes back from his next romp in the hay with his exwife. Have the locks changed so he can't get into the house.
In the very least, pack your own things and leave so he comes home to find you gone. Shock him to wake him up before he shocks the stew out of you. Stop being so passive and permissive to keep allowing him to treat you so shabby. You give him permission every time. You agree to your own misery every time. You cannot make him listen. You cannot make him stop treating so badly. So you be the one to stop him.......for once.
It's time to start looking out for youself........for once.
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Feeling used and fed up. 
After he finds himself just like he started,you`ll se how is ex stops loving him AGAIN and he will "realize " his mistake ! that`s when you turn your back on him and say....**** HAPPENS DUDE ! i know its easier said than done, ive been there and was pregnant at the time ! but what i need you to realize is that you can make it on your own...HEY you wont have to carry him anymore ! Best wishes, Blessings !
