WillK

I'll try putting links below to my saga, but I wanted to say really quickly that yesterday I read the first 4 chapters of the book of the subject of this post and started being a bit more alpha, taking charge of satisfying my wife's needs instead of acting on her spoken wants. My wife is back in love with me or something like that. We've been hugging, she's been happy. She wants to live with me in our house and get out of the lease for the apartment she was going to move in today.

Here are the links to the other threads where I've described my story, listed below in the order that I started the threads starting from the first:

Handling a wife's emotional affair or maybe the EA of my wife's friend toward my wife
It seems to me there is a difference between loyalty and faithfulness
E-books - are any not scams?

There's another thread in the private forum I won't link, those who can access it can find it from my profile. TTFN

More later, probably, but right now I have a lot to do and all of this comes before y'all, with all due respect.

Mr_brown

Really digging the fact that you are manning up! Its a revelation isn't it? Keep up the good work and pay attention to the sh!!t tests. Its very easy to get back into nice guy mode.

anchorwatch

Good for you both! It can be done. Others have done it, so can you. I know I did it, and we are more in love now than we have been in years. Now you have the tools to base a loving relationship on. Keep with it, don't slide backwards. Good luck to both of you.

Atholk

You're welcome! Great job. Thanks for the shout out.

__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book

WillK

I really need to expand on it, now that I'm awake and my wife has gone to bed... Truth be told, I would have gone to bed too, but my daughter is still awake from going to the bathroom and it's interfering with the tooth fairy making a visit for my son. So I have a little time to write some more.

To put my original post in context, we woke up at 6:15 AM this morning. Soon after, the kids woke up. Friday night I was up until 1:30 AM (which I guess would be yesterday morning if you want to get technical) reading MMSL. The post was made at 8:35, and in between there was the time of everybody showering and the breakfast and so forth, but I had my talk as a result of MMSL with my wife first thing.

Here's the state of things yesterday: The plan was still that my wife was going to move into the apartment today. We had moved most of the stuff, today was to have been the last trip with stuff then me assembling Ikea furniture. My wife was softening up, and even though we agreed and knew that the things that wearing a wedding ring symbolized were not there for her, she would wear it for its deterent affect against anyone else trying to make a move on her. She still wanted to go through a week, but it sounded like she was starting to fall back in love with me and she'd let me back in to live with her in the apartment at the end of the week. Remember, this was the state of the relationship yesterday - this is history to give context to what happenned today and how much things changed.

As I said, I did my reading last night. EVERYTHING made perfect sense to me. I felt more confident in knowing exactly what to do, and as anxious as I was to have my talk with my wife, I knew that waking her up to talk about it would've been stupid, and I was fine with that - I slept well. I expected to have the talk, and my goal was to live in the apartment with my wife.

So here's what happenned this morning. I had my talk, and I said things like I realize I need to take charge, I simply don't like you moving away from me, I see now that she needs me to take charge and by her moving away from me, she's denying me the opportunity to demonstrate the changes I need to make... I read this book, I understand now, there's hormones involved and I've been trying to do what she wants but I've misunderstood what she needs. Yada yada yada.

I think maybe the fact that it is the day her period started might make it a bit of a low in her cycle, with that said, she started crying and saying how she feels so embarassed about getting the apartment and stuff. Remember, my goal was moving with her. I didn't make and demands, just an objection. She said she doesn't want to move to the apartment!

So I squeezed a quick post in just to say what a change had happenned, but that was just the start of the day. I knew I had a lot to do moving her stuff back out and so forth - which that wasn't so bad, I spent more time at Comcast to return the cable self-install kit than it took loading things from the apartment.

She let me put her wedding ring on her finger, the phrase I love you came back, all day she welcomed and responded positively to every touch and grope I gave her. She was taking my compliments, listening... She was no longer slinging one request after another at me, she was happy and smiling, she was taking on the requests of the kids when I was already on another task (where before, she'd be directing them towards me in spite of my full taskload)

And at the end of the day, we sat on the couch to watch a show, she sat a little closer than she had been. I started touching her feet and legs, which is not something she had tolerated when tired. She leaned up against me and let me hold her tight. She let me run my hands all over her body and instead of rejecting me, she moaned in delight.

She asked me if I wanted to stay up reading more. I think she likes it. Not that I have to think, I asked if she liked the change I've made, but it wasn't so much an answer of yes as an answer of "mmmmm"

The only point that wasn't positive beyond all expectations was talking about plans with the house. She still doesn't like it of course, and she tried to get the suggestion in that we need to sell the house and buy another one. I took it as an opportunity, and told her I recognize her need for a better living setting and it is MY job to take care of that. I told her that I am so happy to have her back, and there is a lot to deal with for that - beyond that I said I don't foresee having time today to do any planning for housing, but I assured her that I am her man and I will take care of her needs, let me be the one to make the plan of how we do that.

So at any rate... enough time passed, I think the tooth fairy is going to make the rounds. And going forward, I think I'm going to be enjoying thoroughly going to bed at the end of the day with my wife.

As I told her, of course this isn't just about sex - this is about my joy in having back the woman who to me is like a Ferrari among women and the fact that I get to spend my life now in my proper role as the man in her life. (that got another "mmmm")

eowyn

Good job, WillK! And all the best for the new start!

humanbecoming

Hope it lasts for you!

My wife and I spent nearly 10 years in a low sex marriage. I finally was at the point that I was tired of the crazy cycle of arguments about it, and was ready to leave or find a F buddy. I discovered MMSL, read it, and implemented it- took about two months in to me changing, and then we had the best month and a half of my marriage. We were all over each other.... She couldn't get enough of me.

Then, it started slowing down.

We are now back to square 1.5. I say 1.5, because now, due to what I have read on here and MMSL, I know that stepping out is not an answer. I have changed in my attitude, lost weight, changed my wardrobe, increased my income... Hell, even bought a pretty sweet vehicle that gets me looks as I drive around.

What hasn't changed is that the woman I love and committed my life to still isn't passionate for me. I have tasted that sweet fruit, but now it hangs on an unreachable branch. On most days I am another item on the checklist. She sends more texts to her Co workers and boss than to me. Any thing we have any in depth conversation about revolves around her, her friends, and her work.

It's going to be like this the rest of my life, but I willingly stood up in front of everyone and said "forsaking all others" and "till death do us part". If I'm a man of my word, then those have to mean something, and not get thrown aside when they become inconvenient.

anchorwatch

Good news! Wings for everybody!!!

happymrs

I know what your talking about from the other side. Life after applying MMSL is far different than before.

Over the past year I do feel 'on edge' (for lack of a better term) in my marriage. It's not a bad thing, just a constant reminder to me how I need to treat my husband.

For most of our marriage it really didn't matter to me what he thought about my attitude or behaviors, but now he's different. I guess I'm different too. Our marriage is far different than it's ever been. I love the relationship we have and I don't want to mess it up.

I know I'm being gamed, and it doesn't bother me. Sometimes I do feel bad to think that maybe to him it may feel like more work than it should be to keep what we have, but then marriage is work. Anything worth having or keeping is going to take work. I just try not to make it too much of a burden for him. Some days are easier than others.

My hope is that he will always feel that the rewards far outweigh the efforts.

humanbecoming

Thanks Dean... There is definitely resentment building, and at times I get back to thinking that having an AP is the way to go....
Lost weight, changing the way I dress, new ride.... Wouldn't be hard to find a plaything, but that's not who I want to be. I will keep up the MAP ideas, and hope that eventually the right combination works out.... That couple months when things were really good here was amazing, and showed me what things can be like.

WillK

Seems as good a place as any to continue my story. So we've gotten back together since last Saturday and now it's Tuesday. She continues to express concern about me relapsing into my old ways.

My reading, at this point, is actually only just starting to get into the MAP chapter. I turned things around in weeks, if you count the time I worked on it before I heard of the book, and overnight if you only think about the time from when I read the book and had the particular epiphany about my lack of alpha behavior. I was a bit surprised when I started reading about a turn-around time in terms of months.

But maybe it's because there are some atypicallities about us or something. She's in good shape, I've got some extra weight. I'm sure I attract her a great deal because of my beta qualities. I recon I maintained my ranking through the course of our relationship by the confidence I gained offsetting the weight I gained, so reversing the weight gain wasn't a necessary component of getting my wife back. It'd probably help though. But the problem is finding time for that and I'd have to sacrafice some beta behavior most likely.

anchorwatch

Hi Will,
It is an epiphany. I'm at it about 5 months now. In the first months my DW was suspicious of how long I could keep it up too. I found the ideas to be so rational and simple. Thus making it easy to incorporate into behavior, as they are only common sense.
Wish I had this information years ago. She joined in, as she realized she was reaping the benefits. Now we are moving at light speeds. A good marriage is worth the work and the work brings it's rewards.
Bully for you. One foot in front of the other. Stay the course. You will both see results as you go. Always glad to hear about other's success.
When you finish MMSL, here are two others. She can join in on these too.
1) The Five Love Languages by Chapman, Gary
2) His Needs, Her Needs by Harley, Willard F. Jr.

WillK

Yep, those were the other 2 I bought which were at the top of my list... I bought 5 love languages first because it was available at my grocery store I went to at 1 AM, and just reading the table of contents gave me some helpful insight. I read MMSL first because it wasn't in stoke according to the online info at B&N so I bought it as an e-book at 11 PM and started reading.

WillK

So at this point I've read up to chapter 11 Behavior Modification but haven't started reading the chapter. I am feeling like after reading chapter 10, I've been through a LOT of testing.

In fact, I think a brief synopsis of what I've been through is in order to frame my next comment.. I lost my previous job March 30 and since then my wife was wanting to seperate - she had a plan which would've had her out in April with an apartment that was immediately available, but after filling out the credit app I gained her sympathy and she changed her mind... After which she changed her mind again, began collecting furniture and placed a deposit. She took possession and was to move in last Saturday May 19, but I read MMSL and it turned around instantly and I moved what had already been moved in, we cancelled the rent and set up a payment plan for the cancellation charges (60 days rent), cancelled cable, returned furniture, etc... She was on her period so it delayed the resumption of sex until yesterday, which was great, but affection resumed immediately and in ways that exceed anything she'd ever been affectionate towards me in as long as I can remember.

Along with all this, there had been a suspected EA. Along the way she was open enough about it and responded appropriately to my concerns, and I stopped being suspicious. Knowing what I know now, I would say the guy was never an orbiter if that.

What I'm also realizing after this evening's reading is the question that prompts this post.. I feel a bit uneasy about this. Looking back, I think the apartment was never about an EA, it was a test. I see now that she's been testing me for years, and it's been escalating to this. For the longest time she's made so many requests that she could've done herself... long-time things like asking me to get snacks as I am trying to settle down to watch TV with her after the kids go to bed, up more recently to disrupting work sessions with trivial requests she could do herself, all the way up to "I'm moving out - ILYBINILWY - you need to take charge, but nothing will change my mind I need to do this for me to grow as a person."

All of the sudden the day I was going to help her move out, I said "look, I realize you need me to take charge. I can't accept you moving out. I can't start taking charge if you're physically away from me. I should come with you." And all the testing stopped. Immediately. Completely. She gets up and gets her own stuff now. If I am eating breakfast, she will take on the kids requests and tell them to let daddy finish his breakfast.

I've been enjoying this immensely but until this evening's reading I didn't give a thought to what was behind the transformation. Armed with the understanding I have now, I find myself having a hard time resisting the urge to feel kind of betrayed... I could stand some opinions on what to do with this feeling, my natural inclination is to comfort myself with the knowledge I'd probably get over it and forgive her. But I suspect that is the beta in me, and it isn't necessarily the best approach if I want to keep up the alpha behavior I started and which has reignited my wife.

RoyBratten

Really digging the fact that you are manning up!