KI0159

I have heard this but although we do want to have a family I want this re-occuring problem to go away before we do so.

He said if he came home early his friends would have made fun of him or got annoyed. He said he didnt really enjoy his night because he new I wouldn't be pleased with his decision So what was the f***ing point!

I told him if they were his friends they wouldn't give him a hard time about leaving.
It just gets me angry that he chose to please his friends (even though they probably didnt give a hoot) than me.

I should have told him that I rather he came home early but instead I ruined both our nights. My problem is I dont want to tell him what he can and cant do but I want him to think for himself sensible decisions but it doesnt happen.

EleGirl

Are you resistent to the idea of setting up dates with your husband? One benefit of this is he could then tell them that he WANTS to go because the two of you have plans. Now he's not leaving because you are upset but because he has something fun he wants to do with you.

Your husband has some growing up to do.

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EleGirl

Some do, some don't.

When his friends have kids, more of them will drop out of the single-guy attitude. Yes your husband is acting like a single guy who has no responsibilities elsewhere.

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tm84

Fiture out what the two of you like to do in common, plan time together, and go have fun together. I also agree with others who have said that it's highly likely that his habits won't change that much once kids are part of the picture. The trick is to get into the habit of sharing time together and having some time with your separate circles of friends before you have children. Setting a pattern now of enjoying your time together might make it easier to deal with the demands of parenthood in the future.

Of course, you have to make it plain to him that you really miss spending fun "couple" time with him, not because you resent his friends. The bigger thing is that he needs to set some boundaries with his friends and let them pout by themselves sometimes when he chooses to spend time with you. Right now, he's going along with the peer pressure and not giving enough priority to you nor the relationhip, which, if it continues, will lead to some really hard feelings, which are already there, if your post is any indication.

Goldmember357

why dont you to try to act like kids and have fun like kids would?

dress up, go to the movies, do random things, make noises, make out at the movie theater, speed in your car with the music up, go dancing, take dance lessons together, go for a late night dinner somewhere (on the beach or park idk) hang out at a park till you have to leave via police and park hours. Climb a fence and swim in a pool after hour's


lol

But really i suggest the ^^^ to anyone who is older but feels they need some excitement. Sure some of what i listed is absurd for anyone in the thirties to be doing but i assure you thinking like a stupid teenager sometimes helps.

Goldmember357

He should ignore what his friends think a wife should ideally be with you for life. Friends are cool but many fall off as life goes on and you could argue their are only temporary interests with that said we all know its hard at times to disregard what our friends think especially in group settings.

I cannot understand why he would care if they made fun of him his friends should not make fun of him although they are just joking. He should know they are joking and not care if they get mad and instead come home to see you cause he likes you and values your time and if you are concerned than it should be a issue of him to. Imagine if the situation was switched and he was at home jealous you are out with your girlfriends having so much fun acting single and he would want you to come and be there for him and his feelings (he would have them). Your Husband is acting like he is single.

I suppose everyone treat's marriage different though

jaquen

Some of the things I read here truly baffle me.

My wife doesn't "let me" spend time with my friends. I likewise don't give her "permission" to hang out with hers. What a ludicrous concept that I can't even fathom. I have a lot of friends, and friendship is of extraordinary importance to both my wife and I. We adore our friends, and when one wants to hang out with them (alone), we don't consult with one another.

We're simply mindful to spend time together as well as time with friends. We don't have any children yet, so that particular complication hasn't come up yet. But we will never, ever be that couple who spends every waking hour together, or worse, who realizes that they've let their friendships die by the roadside simply because they got married. I've seen this happen in real life, and it amazes me, and frankly confuses me. One should never have to chose between friends and a spouse. It is more than possible to have both.

When it comes to the OP, she needs to stop treating her husband like he's Ms. Cleo, let him know her feelings, and take it from there. It's matter of prioritizing, but with some adjustments he should be able to spend time first and foremost with his wife, and then schedule his time with his boys.

KI0159

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Browncoat

He should have the confidence to not let his friends kowtow him.

He should be proud of the fact that he's got someone awesome at home to be with, not ashamed of it!

KI0159

Thanks for the replies.

I realise friends are important and woul never want my husband to stop seeing them. What annoys me is my husband doesn't think about all the times that I say 'yes go out with your friends', he just thinks about the times I've gotten annoyed that he's went out, I only get mad when he's totally crossed he line.

It's like on Saturday, I had no problem with him going out with his friends for the few hours that he said but it's when he decided he would stay out an extra six hours, this didn't go down well. Do I really have to be mean to keep him keen!

I think he goes out and up ends thinking she'll get mad but she'll get over it. This is usually what happens. I dont want to be his mom and tell him no he can't go out but may be I'm gonna have too. I packed my bags once for a night and it did make a difference but I can't keep doing that. I see his friends as bullies now.
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chillymorn

just spent 15 hrs on a boat fishing with friends. It was great drank some beers vented about the silly stuff that the wives do that makes us crazy. and caught some big fish.

with that said everybody IMO needs some friend time without their spouce along.

has to be reasonable though ....can't go out every week and do it but everybody has to determine what reasonable for their relationship.

I think your shooting yourself in the foot by not going out with your friends (preferable when hes out with his.) but if not when time allowes.

If you are the type of person who has not many true friends then I could see how you would feel lonley. but thats not his fault that you don't have friends. Do something that don't require friends and you might even make some on the way.


you could of texts him wow I drank a whole bottle of wine tonight wish you were here for some drunk kinky sex. guess I have to go solo tonight. luv ya have a good time.

chillymorn

being mean to keep him keen?

you need some friends of your own!!!!!!!!

when my wife had this attitude when we first married I finally said listen I have friennds and I'm going to go hunting fishing drinking what ever I want and if you don't like it theres the door.

now mind you I don't overdo it with the friends but when I want to go I go. and so dose she.

KI0159

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Wow! You're married?

jaquen

My wife and I don't monitor how much time we spend with our respective friends. That never comes into play, so I can't really understand the need to define how long you're going out with friends.

Because the issue seems to be multi-fold. He's telling you he will be home around a certain time, and he continually breaks that promise. Why does he feel the need to lie? Would you be more comfortable if he was honest about the fact that his time with friends is more open ended?

Are you being totally honest about your discomfort with his continued lying?

You also seem to be put in the position of sitting at home, twiddling your thumbs. After we got married my wife relocated to a brand new city where I already had an established life. Initially the transition was rough because her entire social scene revolved around our couple time. Our relationship has never been based on the idea that we need to get permission from the other to hang out with friends, but she was beginning to get a little hurt and resentful that all my time wasn't honed in on her.

Instead of eliminating my friend time, I encouraged her constantly to get out in the city and make a new social life for herself. It took some time, but it's the best thing that she could have done. Once she began building her own social life, all the other issues died. We go out when we want, with whom we want, for however long we want, and it never encroaches on our couple time because there's no need to chose, especially when you don't have children yet.

Maybe it's time for you to get out there as much as he does, or learn to be content with your alone time. I know that I cherish alone time, so if my wife is out with friends, or out of town to visit her best friends from back home, I'm not throwing myself out the window, or resenting her time away.

KI0159

I was that particular night. I thought I'll try and get some friends round and hopefully that way I wouldnt be annoyed at him but they all had plans that night. If I had an idea before hand that he was going to pull an all nighter i would've had time to make plans and get busy instead of thinking we were having a night in.

Alone time is fine but like I said that week he was away on business so I got plenty of it.

I guess what works for some does not for others.