General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
PO, not sure how bad his staring is, I do not know him or the situations. I am sorry this is hurting your self esteem, I hope you two can work this out together. I would be concerned that if you are letting your appearance slide as a passive way of punishing him your your unhappiness and resentment, it will surely kill the attraction and is detrimental to the relationship so I'd recommend stop relying on your H's behavior to validate your own self-esteem, and start trying to focus on all the good qualities you each bring into the relationship.
Separate your dependence on him for your emotional well being and perhaps when that is lifted from him he will be able to identify hie own issues in the marriage.
That advice is very valuable to me. Thank you. I will try to remind myself of this from now on.
I know what would cure him! Next time Mr. Weakwillie stares at some hot 20 year old, walk over to her, gesture to your husband and tell her "My husband wanted to talk to you." This works even better if the 20 year old is accompanied by a really huge biker. Assuming he survives that encounter, he would prefer to die than eyeball the next woman. Or, you could simply give him a taste of his own medicine and stare at men's packages, of course, making highly inappropriate comments. As hubby is a little vulnerable in this area, I expect he'd get the hint pretty quick.
Whatever you do, OP, continue to pay special attention to your appearance. Not for the benefit of your H, but for your own self-esteem. Knowing you look is a great boost to any woman's confidence!
I would certainly call him on it next time he goes into ogle mode. There's a definite difference between a glance of appreciation and an ogle.
I understand your feelings about a "husband with wandering eyes". It DOES start to eat away at your self esteem and you end up feeling like some jealous, old hag of a housewife (OK, maybe I'm projecting... that's how 'I' felt). My first ex husband was a big time ogler of women. It's really embarrassing to have him meet your girl friends from work and then later hear them talking about how "creepy" he was.
I think you've gotten great advice on how to take care of YOU and maybe find a way to make the point with him in a big way.
That advice is very valuable to me. Thank you. I will try to remind myself of this from now on.
This issue has come up a lot on these forums and it's still not a good idea to play games with your SO. Why would you embarrass your H deliberately? This seems to be a really bad foot to start on.
Have you talked to him about this? If not, you need to. Don't attack him, he's not doing anything to try and hurt you. Just ask him about it -- he may not know he does it. Also, it's your issue, not his, so go about talking about it to see if he can help you out instead of making him feel like some sort of "problem."
The lack of sex thing is significantly more concerning to me. Has your physical appearance changed a lot since you got together? Physical appearance is quite important to me. (If that's the case, don't be self-conscious and beat yourself up, just do something about it if it's important to you.)
Have you talked to him about this? If not, you need to. Don't attack him, he's not doing anything to try and hurt you. Just ask him about it -- he may not know he does it. Also, it's your issue, not his, so go about talking about it to see if he can help you out instead of making him feel like some sort of "problem."
The lack of sex thing is significantly more concerning to me. Has your physical appearance changed a lot since you got together? Physical appearance is quite important to me. (If that's the case, don't be self-conscious and beat yourself up, just do something about it if it's important to you.)
Good luck.
The lack of sex in the OP's relationship is due to her husband's health related ED problem. Whilst any woman who loves her husband will be thoroughly understanding and supportive of this sort of issue, untreated, it can eventually impact on a her general well-being and self-esteem. She should not also have to contend with her H openly ogling other women when they are out together. A quick appreciate glance is one thing, but doing it in a manner that is so obviously noticeable to her, is both disrespectful and insensitive of him - particularly as he is aware of how it makes her feel.
Wow ... thanks to all for your input. It has given me much perspective. Alot to think about.
As to the question of my physical appearance (which obviously seems to be more of a concern from the male comments ) I used to be a runner/lifter before having my 2 yo and my 7 mo and I haven't felt the desire to get those last 15-20 lbs of baby weight off as I had before. I also tend to wear a baseball cap and braids more than I used to. When my h and i met I was a 9.8 on that silly little site HotorNot... he was 60 lbs heavier than now. Things have a changed a little. When I was more attractive in the beginning, the fact that I took care of myself but he still payed so much attention to other women, made me question why I was even trying. I recall being on a couple runs thinking "Why am I even doing this... If the man I love doesn't even notice and would rather give his attention to sleazy women?" I don't think some men realize how damaging they can be. We have had this conversation many times. He has gotten better ... just can't understand why it would be so "uncontrollable" when he knows it hurts me so much.
And yes ... LadyFrogFlyAway ... please pm me!! lol I would love to see some of your ideas. It's not so much about humiliating him ... more just trying to get the point across.
I know what would cure him! Next time Mr. Weakwillie stares at some hot 20 year old, walk over to her, gesture to your husband and tell her "My husband wanted to talk to you." This works even better if the 20 year old is accompanied by a really huge biker. Assuming he survives that encounter, he would prefer to die than eyeball the next woman. Or, you could simply give him a taste of his own medicine and stare at men's packages, of course, making highly inappropriate comments. As hubby is a little vulnerable in this area, I expect he'd get the hint pretty quick.
Oh my goodness ... my h would just die if I did that! I will keep that in mind
Thanks!
This issue has come up a lot on these forums and it's still not a good idea to play games with your SO. Why would you embarrass your H deliberately? This seems to be a really bad foot to start on.
Have you talked to him about this? If not, you need to. Don't attack him, he's not doing anything to try and hurt you. Just ask him about it -- he may not know he does it. Also, it's your issue, not his, so go about talking about it to see if he can help you out instead of making him feel like some sort of "problem."
The lack of sex thing is significantly more concerning to me. Has your physical appearance changed a lot since you got together? Physical appearance is quite important to me. (If that's the case, don't be self-conscious and beat yourself up, just do something about it if it's important to you.)
Good luck.
I have attacked him in the past and have regretted it ... I just usually end up feeling guilty. How do you suggest I handle this? I've tried to talk to him. I think you may be able to enlighten me on how guys think. I realize this issue does have alot to do with my own insecurities. I just can't get over the feeling of disrespect it gives me ... and the feeling that I'm not really what he desires.
OP, IMO, noticing attractive members of the opposite sex whilst in the company of a partner / spouse can be likened to driving the car of our dreams, which we wouldn't exchange for the world, but still taking a peek at other snazzy cars as they pass by. It's when that glance of appreciation becomes a rubber-necking ogle that we are in danger of damaging what we have...
You've discussed your feelings of discomfort and disrespect with your H, but he has chosen to ignore you, so you have to deal with it yourself. The way I tackled the problem was by telling my partner that disrespect makes me feel uncomfortable, and when I feel uncomfortable I have the right to remove myself from the situation. I calmly told him that should this behaviour continue, I shall in future remove myself from his company and leave him to ogle to his heart's content. It wasn't an idle threat, because had he done it again I had every intention of picking up my bag and, without fuss or explanation, finding my own way home. Fortunately, I never had to do this and the problem is now resolved.
It isn't a case of trying to control someone else, it's more a case of taking control of what we will and will not tolerate from others. In this case, disrespect.
We cannot change others, but we can change our reaction to them...
Wow ... thanks to all for your input. It has given me much perspective. Alot to think about.
As to the question of my physical appearance (which obviously seems to be more of a concern from the male comments ) I used to be a runner/lifter before having my 2 yo and my 7 mo and I haven't felt the desire to get those last 15-20 lbs of baby weight off as I had before. I also tend to wear a baseball cap and braids more than I used to. When my h and i met I was a 9.8 on that silly little site HotorNot... he was 60 lbs heavier than now. Things have a changed a little. When I was more attractive in the beginning, the fact that I took care of myself but he still payed so much attention to other women, made me question why I was even trying. I recall being on a couple runs thinking "Why am I even doing this... If the man I love doesn't even notice and would rather give his attention to sleazy women?" I don't think some men realize how damaging they can be. We have had this conversation many times. He has gotten better ... just can't understand why it would be so "uncontrollable" when he knows it hurts me so much.
And yes ... LadyFrogFlyAway ... please pm me!! lol I would love to see some of your ideas. It's not so much about humiliating him ... more just trying to get the point across.
Can you expound on how those discussion have gone with him since I missed it?
I mean, if he's getting better, you're on the right track. If it's not really getting there, maybe a different communication technique is needed (and I don't mean humiliation or passive aggressiveness).
To your physical appearance, it's an obvious question as it's important to a male. This is almost impossible to get around. I think there might be a bigger problem than the ogling if you really feel like you were putting in effort to look for him and he didn't care. That's a serious issue -- he should be LOVING that.
I'm going to have to go back through this thread and see how the word "humiliation" came up...I don't think I used it, but maybe I did. It's not about making your spouse feel like dirt; it's about getting the message across that his actions are hurtful to you.
Sometimes nice doesn't cut it. Just my two cents.
I apologize, I don't think that word did come up. I think I may have mistaken it from the word "embarrassment". I'm sorry.
I agree, I'd just like to get my point across. I've obviously not succeeded with my approach, so far.
You've discussed your feelings of discomfort and disrespect with your H, but he has chosen to ignore you, so you have to deal with it yourself. The way I tackled the problem was by telling my partner that disrespect makes me feel uncomfortable, and when I feel uncomfortable I have the right to remove myself from the situation. I calmly told him that should this behaviour continue, I shall in future remove myself from his company and leave him to ogle to his heart's content. It wasn't an idle threat, because had he done it again I had every intention of picking up my bag and, without fuss or explanation, finding my own way home. Fortunately, I never had to do this and the problem is now resolved.
It isn't a case of trying to control someone else, it's more a case of taking control of what we will and will not tolerate from others. In this case, disrespect.
We cannot change others, but we can change our reaction to them...
First off, let me say, I am so happy for you that you were able to resolve your problem with your hubby. I'm sure that is such a nice weight lifted off your shoulders.
I agree 100% about the matter of control. I definately would not want my h's behavior to be based on that. My goal is for him to recognize it and then be considerate of the way it makes me feel. It just seems so unneccessary in a marriage. It's ruined a couple of special occassions, in fact. One of which, he was ogling a girl he had a short lived relationship with while he and I were on "a break" before we were married. That one stung the most and we still fight about it from time to time because I don't think he realizes everytime he breaks his neck over and over, it adds more salt to the wound.... bringing up those feelings. His occupation as a police officer has made things a little touchy, on top of that, with him having to be involved with one of her domestic 911 calls. Such a big mess over something (the ogling), to him, seemed to be no big deal at the time.
I have given it some thought to remove myself from the situation, many times. I've even brought it up to him but in the end I just can't justify it completely when EVERYTHING else in our marriage is so close to perfect... but, maybe I should give it some more thought.
I honestly just want to get over the way I feel. I think all the advice I have been given about my appearance and making myself feel better, for MYSELF, is right on point. I'm going to try to make it a priority. Thank you so much for your input!!
Can you expound on how those discussion have gone with him since I missed it?
I mean, if he's getting better, you're on the right track. If it's not really getting there, maybe a different communication technique is needed (and I don't mean humiliation or passive aggressiveness).
To your physical appearance, it's an obvious question as it's important to a male. This is almost impossible to get around. I think there might be a bigger problem than the ogling if you really feel like you were putting in effort to look for him and he didn't care. That's a serious issue -- he should be LOVING that.
Our discussions usually are not too pretty. We've had many over the past 6+ years. There tends to be alot of hurt involved then alot of guilt on his part. Sometimes, I feel guilty for letting it get the best of me when, deep down, I know his heart is right here with his family and he tries to show me that daily. He knows were I stand on the issue, we'll do great for a length of time, then it seems he will out of nowhere start the behavior all over again. It seems like it is out of his control or that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but at the same time want to protect my stance on it. What's worse is when the women notice it too...
I agree about the idea of a more serious issue going on... and I think that is why I'm so insecure and quite confused, actually. I'm at a loss as what to do sometimes...
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Re: My hubby's wandering eye 
) I used to be a runner/lifter before having my 2 yo and my 7 mo and I haven't felt the desire to get those last 15-20 lbs of baby weight off as I had before. I also tend to wear a baseball cap and braids more than I used to. When my h and i met I was a 9.8 on that silly little site HotorNot... he was 60 lbs heavier than now. Things have a changed a little. 
