Relationship Coach

I hear this about the "wandering eye" a lot, and lately it's usually been about some bigger underlying issue. Worry about the bigger issue, not the wandering eye bit. What good is fixing a broken window if the foundation of the house is collapsing?

I think you guys are both going to have to work hard on communicating more productively if that's such a chore. (Obviously you can't control his end, just yours.) If want specific advice feel free to PM.

And what's all this about a girl on a "break?" Is one of you holding on to something from years ago? That needs to be fleshed out...very unproductive to not fully experience emotions and have acceptance/peace with the past...or else you are just stuck there.

Cheers.

Fieryredhead

I'm probably going to sound harsh on this subject, but I had this problem with my husband before we got married. He would stare so hard, that one time, the boyfriend/husband of the other woman came over and asked him if he needed something...I tried talking to him seriously, confronting him in a teasing way, ignoring it, noticing cute guys, and all the other advice we read about how to handle this, and nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I resorted to the drastic treatment. EVERY time I caught his eye wandering (you have to watch carefully), I BLEW UP. First I would call his attention to it right then - loudly, and then once we got in the car, or away from most people, I really let him have it -- tears, shouting, etc.

I told him it was utterly disgraceful, disrespectful, immature, and if it didn't stop, I was done with him. I made him leave a store and drive me home once, and walked out of an event another time.

I am NEVER one to make a scene and very rarely raise my voice, but in this case, I felt it called for EXTREME action on my part.

I only had to do that about three times, and SUDDENLY, he didn't do it anymore. He is VERY careful where he puts his eyes.

I still watch him sometimes when there is a hottie around, and catch his eye if I can, so he knows I'm aware, but he does nothing more than a quick glance, which is human nature.

There is NO reason a man should EVER treat his woman that disrespectfully. As I told my husband, "do it on your own time!!! But when you are with me, your eyes should be on me only because you are very lucky I am on your arm."

Others may disagree, but this drastic behavior worked for me and shut down the issue quickly.

Cosmos

OP, I think you've explained your situation very well. Unfortunately, there are some who think that this sort of reaction in a woman automatically originates from a general lack of self-esteem and inherent insecurity (which, of course, it can), but I don't believe that this is the case with you, any more than it was with me. My reaction wasn't out of jealousy - simply humiliation at being so blatantly disrespected.

Just to be clear, I wasn't for one minute suggesting you remove yourself from your marriage, and this wasn't what I meant when I talked about "removing" myself to my partner. It was a definite message, however, that I would remove myself from any situation where he disrespected me by ogling.

Somehow or other your H is going to have to realise for himself how hurtful his behaviour is (just try to avoid arguing with him about it, if you can), but in the meanwhile I'd concentrate on some personal TLC and lots of pampering!

__________________

(Couple Skills : Matthew McKay PhD, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg PhD)

When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.