My hubby's wandering eye
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My hubby's wandering eye

Hi!! I'm new here. I've been checking these forums for awhile, looking for advice on several different matters.

I just have one question right now ... what exactly is going on through men's heads when staring at other women?

My hubby seems to have such a wandering eye and it makes me feel so insecure at times. We have a wonderful marriage. He is a very committed husband who bends over backwards to make me and the kids happy but I can't seem to shake this jealousy. I feel it may be due to the fact we've had troubles in our sex life since we got married. At times, not having sex for months at a time. We found out his ED was most likely due to his recent diagnosis of Diabetes but it really did seem to damage my self esteem in the meantime. Him not desiring intimacy with me but still seemingly longing for other women. He is Police Officer so he has so many interactions with all types of women everyday. I know this is probably all dramatically over exaggerated in my own head but I would just like to know from a man's perspective, what men are thinking.... and from other ladies feeling how I am and how you get past it. I'd also love input and tips from all you confident ladies and how you don't let insecurities get the best of you. Thanks.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

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I'd also love input and tips from all you confident ladies and how you don't let insecurities get the best of you. Thanks.
You don't let your insecurities get the best of you by not dwelling on your insecurities long enough to see the bigger picture. Your husband is being disrespectful to you if you know of his wandering eye. That means he does it in front of you, and that is severely disrespectful. Instead of seeing it for what it is - insulting you as your husband - you automatically turn it on yourself and blame your feelings about it on your insecurities. As long as you treat him as being more important than you are, he will continue to disrespect you.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

You're possibly going to be told that it's just because "men are more visual," but as a very visual woman, I don't believe this is the case. We all look at members of the opposite sex, but women tend to do it more discreetly. If your H is doing this in a very open manner, talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.

No matter how understanding and supportive we may be regarding ED, I'm afraid it does affect a woman's self-esteem (the same as it affects a man's, of course), and your H needs to be made aware of how his wandering eye makes you feel.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

Thank you all!! I sometimes feel so alone about this. I do turn it back on myself and then the problem gets worse in my own head.

I do feel it to be so disrespectful. I have talked with him about this over and over but it just seems to make him do it more discreetly. It is the main cause of our fights. He has given me every excuse in the book for why he does it and usually denies or says he didn't realize he was doing it. I know we all look at times but the oogling and staring is what really hurts. I'm not sure what to do. It's not worthy of leaving someone over, when everything else is so good, but I am tired of the depression it can put me into some days.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You have to train your brain. Don't ever, ever let another woman make you feel insecure, and definitely don't ever show it (especially to her) if she does.

I firmly believe most men will take a woman with great personality and less-than-perfect physique over a woman with a perfect bod who's a b*tch or a downer. You have to walk into every situation like you own it. Keep yourself as attractive as you can physically. The rest is all mental, baby!
Thank you for that reassurance. I will try to remember that more.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

OP, mine used to do it, too, and I used to pretend not to notice. One night, though, his ogling caused the woman he was ogling to become visibly self-conscious and as uncomfortable as it was making me, and I had it out with him (in private) in no uncertain terms. I told him he was being rude and disrespectful, and if he wanted to ogle other women, he was best doing it alone - not with me as his audience! To give him credit, that was about 6 months ago and he hasn't done it since.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, we've actually had some pretty harsh words about the subject. Alot of crying and emotion. That is why I can't understand why he still does it? He has gotten so much better about it but I still see him looking and "thinking" (if that makes sense) at times. I guess that's why I'm questioning what men are actually thinking? Is it not a big deal (because i see him actively trying) or do I keep bring it up? I feel like such a b*tch about it but I cannot help the way I feel.
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Old 05-19-2012, 03:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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OP, mine used to do it, too, and I used to pretend not to notice. One night, though, his ogling caused the woman he was ogling to become visibly self-conscious and as uncomfortable as it was making me, and I had it out with him (in private) in no uncertain terms. I told him he was being rude and disrespectful, and if he wanted to ogle other women, he was best doing it alone - not with me as his audience! To give him credit, that was about 6 months ago and he hasn't done it since.
THAT is exactly what I am talking about ... I've hated when other's have done it to me and have felt sorry for the women they are with. I feel like some of the women he stares at are loving the attention and disrespecting me, as well.

that's awesome he took your feelings to heart and is doing so well. I wish we could get to that point. I've been dealing with this for years.
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

If he's "glancing" somewhat discreetly but not staring or ogling, then he is actually refraining out of respect for you. Let him glance, perhaps even a quick second glance, and use it as an assurance that he still has a sex drive - which is a critically important in a long term relationship.

If he is openly staring, slack-jawed, unable to bring his focus back to you or is flirting, then it is very disrespectful and you need to find a way to enforce some boundaries. (there was a discussion about this very topic in the last couple weeks here with some useful ideas how to do that)

Also let me warn you - I used to be of the kind that would glance discreetly and I accepted the blame for my ex W's insecurities so I stopped looking and even looked away - I got conditioned into shutting off my sexual appetite, and I think it was a large part of the reason my marriage became sexless and ended after her infidelity. Thing is she was insecure about it yet the guys she went after for her affairs were specifically the kind that would ogle, stare and flirt with her, and I'm sure have no problem continuing to do so at other women even with her. So just be careful what you are really asking for, and have trust that your H is a committed man who is loyal to you and shares your bed every night - if you want to strengthen the bond then rock his world.

Last edited by Lon; 05-19-2012 at 04:48 PM.
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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He should be conveying the message to other women that you are the only one worth staring at. Do you think he has insecurity issues?
Thank you.
That is a good question. He doesn't seem to. Although he is a big teddybear with me, his Policeman/Harley Rider persona doesn't seem to let him show them, if he does. He has NEVER shown any type of jealousy when it comes to me ... that in itself makes me feel kinda unworthy, as well.
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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If he's "glancing" somewhat discreetly but not staring or ogling, then he is actually refraining out of respect for you. Let him glance, perhaps even a quick second glance, and use it as an assurance that he still has a sex drive - which is a critically important in a long term relationship.

If he is openly staring, slack-jawed, unable to bring his focus back to you or is flirting, then it is very disrespectful and you need to find a way to enforce some boundaries. (there was a discussion about this very topic in the last couple weeks here with some useful ideas how to do that)

Also let me warn you - I used to be of the kind that would glance discreetly and I accepted the blame for my ex W's insecurities so I stopped looking and even looked away - I got conditioned into shutting off my sexual appetite, and I think it was a large part of the reason my marriage became sexless and ended after her infidelity. Thing is she was insecure about it yet the guys she went after for her affairs were specifically the kind that would ogle, stare and flirt with her, and I'm sure have no problem continuing to do so at other women even with her. So just be careful what you are really asking for, and have trust that your H is a committed man who is loyal to you and shares your bed every night - if you want to strengthen the bond then rock his world.
I agree with you totally on the glancing. It is human nature to notice beauty. In fact, I've made comments on other women to him, myself, at times ... and he has made alot of progress over our marriage. I guess, sometimes his sex drive feels more driven towards others and not me.
I really need to take a glance at the threads you are writing about. I am looking for tools to handle my situation. I would hate to become a bitter wife.
I really appreciate your advice on your situation. I am very afraid of turning off his sexual appetite. I'm trying desperately to find a balance. This whole issue has taken such a toll on my self esteem and I find myself giving up on my appearance because of it ... making things worse. I have tried reving things up in the bedroom but end up feeling rejected and making the situation worse. I've stopped trying because of the humiliation.
Can you tell me, is my imagination when he is staring probably worse than what his mind is actually thinking?
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My dh is like that too, rather reserved and unemotional. I'm a party person, very sociable, and he is content to sit back and let me be the star when we're among others. I talk to everybody, men and women alike, but I know he would be bothered if I were to oogle other men in an obvious way.

Has it reached a point with you where you would be willing to seriously embarrass him in public with a loud and pointed comment about it?
Wow! I hadn't really considered that! (I'm smiling to myself at the thought of it though!) I've always handled this matter behind closed doors. We live in a small town and unfortunately most of the women he's ogled are girls we know. I think I would feel a little humiliated, myself, to do it ... but maybe, that is the answer. I don't know that I would be quick witted enough to pull it off!
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

He's got performance issues so it's safer to look at a stranger than to actually do something with his wife. You see dogs chase cars but that doesn't mean they can drive.
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My hubby's wandering eye

PO, not sure how bad his staring is, I do not know him or the situations. I am sorry this is hurting your self esteem, I hope you two can work this out together. I would be concerned that if you are letting your appearance slide as a passive way of punishing him your your unhappiness and resentment, it will surely kill the attraction and is detrimental to the relationship so I'd recommend stop relying on your H's behavior to validate your own self-esteem, and start trying to focus on all the good qualities you each bring into the relationship.

Separate your dependence on him for your emotional well being and perhaps when that is lifted from him he will be able to identify hie own issues in the marriage.
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I live in a small town too, for the moment. That might work to your advantage. You know how it is...you fart, and everybody knows about it half an hour later. The humiliation might be worth putting an end to his behavior once and for all.

If you decide to do this, and you're worried about messing it up, plan it mentally in advance. Exactly what you will say, how you will say it (tone), even body language.

If you need a few zingers...
I have to sign out here but I wanted to reply real quick ...
I LOVE your sense of humor! YOU ROCK! Thanks for your input. and PLEASE feel free to send me some zingers!! Would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks everyone for your advice and input so far. It's given me alot to think about! Hope you all have a good evening.
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