General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is such a rant but I just need a place to get all this out.
My husband and I have been under a lot of stress lately. And a lot of problems have ensued since. Well, and honestly, before.
Right now, I think my biggest issue is feeling like I'm low on his priority list and that spending time with me is a chore. His job responsibilities require a lot of him and he works hard, which is to his credit and I understand that it can wear him out. I think why I feel disappointed is that it seems he has plenty of energy for other things. He's recently started a new hobby which takes up much more time that I was lead to intially believe. It has been a point of contention, mostly because I had expressed that I felt like he was making me a priority prior to this new hobby. So now the situation is worse.
I feel like I'm pretty easy most of the time, I'm ususally happy if we just carve out some time to watch a movie together during the weekend. I don't expect grand gestures or to even be taken out. Not to say he never takes me out, there definitely have been times and I'm very appreciative of them. However, that even seems like I'm asking too much.
This weekend has not been great. Our Saturday was busy and in my case, stressful. Today he slept in, like most weekends, which is usually fine, I'm used to being up early. When he got up, I asked him if he would come hang out with me, and he said he's be there in a min. He then did a few chores, things that needed to be done in the morning, nothing unusual. When I thought he was finished I asked him if he'd come watch TV with me. He became aggitated that I didn't know he was still busy. I said I didn't realize, I just wanted to spend time with you. He stated that he felt like I was saying what he was doing wasn't important and when I asked how I did that his response was because I asked at all. And to avoid him feeling that way I should just not ask. I felt a bit dumbfounded and things sort of excalated from there until a point where I was truly upset at some more things he had said.
I asked him to discuss things in a better place and he agreed. When we sat down, I told him why I was upset and apologized for the way what I said/did affected him. He basically went catatonic. Wouldn't look at me or speak but only to say he had nothing to say. Finally came out that he was refusing because I forced him into the conversation (?) and that my apology didn't count because I also said why I was upset. He then left for an errand, later texting me that he was sorry for making the situation worse. Which I responded positively to.
When he got back he seemed okay, he hugged me. I was ready to let it drop and it seemed he was too. Then, he said he didn't have much time before he'd have to leave for his hobby. I was surprised, as this was news to me. I told him I didn't know that and would have appreciated a heads up. He insisted he did tell me and that I said it wasn't a problem before, why is it now, essentially. I honestly remember him telling me this weekend was totally free. I also could really, really use a break or even just a few moments to relax. I'm a SAHM, so weekends when he's away a lot really blur into the week for me. He got very angry and said that I shouldn't put the burden on him because I need a break. He also said that everyone has bad days or weeks and that I shouldn't take it out on him or expect him to fix my problems for me and I should suck it up. This angered me as many of our past fights have been about his habit of taking his bad days out on me. Also, confused me as I don't know what I did to take it out on him.
He has since left. He refused to discuss it or help me understand why he was so mad. He actually tricked me he left. I actually wanted to get out of the house for a while and got in the car but he had the keys in his pocket so when I went to look for him to get them, he had left out another door, snuck to the car and left. Just felt childish and cruel.
Especially frustrating as that is currently our only car. DH had a car accident which totalled his car and he has been using mine. So for the last few weeks, I walk places or I don't go. And it really hasn't been a big problem but when I feel purposely stranded it bothers me.
What did I do that was so wrong? I'm having so much trouble seeing it and he won't tell me what I did, only that I've done it. How do I get him to talk to me or listen to me or care? I know he cares but he can be really good at acting like he doesn't. I don't know what to do.
Prodigal, thank you for your response. I never really considered that. His hobby is actually a recreational sports team the he has taken on the respnsibility of being a captain of. I have met one of the people involved and seen communication with other players so I never considered it to be a cover for something else.
Reading your story, it seems like his responses are a bit out of proportion to your discussions. It also seems (and again, I'm so sorry) that like Prodigal is suggesting, there might be something going on outside your marriage. His behavior - especially sneaking away with the car - is fairly suspect.
Has anything like this gone on before in your marriage? When did he start to treat you like this?
When I thought he was finished I asked him if he'd come watch TV with me.
You knew he wasn't finished. You were being insistent and like he said, what he was doing wasn't important. It was passive aggressive, and passive aggressive is controlling. No one likes being controlled and people always know when they are being controlled (or the attempts) just as clearly as you know he snuck out to leave. "I honestly didn't know" or "I thought he was done" is just an excuse to claim innocense. It's not very clever. It's just tedious and annoying.
I realize one person in a marriage/relationship may come to feel lonely and neglected. I just don't understand that person insisting or even asking more than once for some attention and time. If he wants to spend time with me he would is the way I see it. I would never dream of asking a man who is not engaged in his relationship. To insist and to ask more than once is needy, and no one wants that burden placed on them. That also is tedious and annoying to the person who is disengaged. If I felt I had no value to my husband, I'd have to make other plans to whatever extent I feel those plans need to be made. I guess I'm just practical and even though I know it hurts to feel unloved/unvalued/neglected, I would never insist (nor argue) over something he would be doing if he really wanted to without me asking.
I'd say his reaction(s) was to combat your attempt to control him and was also out of resentment of being burdened with your neediness. He was too intent on going wherever he was going to have to be bothered. Like I said, if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't make other plans to stay away so often. You have to find the strength and resources within yourself to make other plans, especially now that he wants a divorce, which is likely motivated by whatever it is that has been occupying his time. And, I don't think that is being captain of the team.
This is such a rant but I just need a place to get all this out.
My husband and I have been under a lot of stress lately. And a lot of problems have ensued since. Well, and honestly, before.
Right now, I think my biggest issue is feeling like I'm low on his priority list and that spending time with me is a chore. His job responsibilities require a lot of him and he works hard, which is to his credit and I understand that it can wear him out. I think why I feel disappointed is that it seems he has plenty of energy for other things. He's recently started a new hobby which takes up much more time that I was lead to intially believe. It has been a point of contention, mostly because I had expressed that I felt like he was making me a priority prior to this new hobby. So now the situation is worse.
I feel like I'm pretty easy most of the time, I'm ususally happy if we just carve out some time to watch a movie together during the weekend. I don't expect grand gestures or to even be taken out. Not to say he never takes me out, there definitely have been times and I'm very appreciative of them. However, that even seems like I'm asking too much.
This weekend has not been great. Our Saturday was busy and in my case, stressful. Today he slept in, like most weekends, which is usually fine, I'm used to being up early. When he got up, I asked him if he would come hang out with me, and he said he's be there in a min. He then did a few chores, things that needed to be done in the morning, nothing unusual. When I thought he was finished I asked him if he'd come watch TV with me. He became aggitated that I didn't know he was still busy. I said I didn't realize, I just wanted to spend time with you. He stated that he felt like I was saying what he was doing wasn't important and when I asked how I did that his response was because I asked at all. And to avoid him feeling that way I should just not ask. I felt a bit dumbfounded and things sort of excalated from there until a point where I was truly upset at some more things he had said.
I asked him to discuss things in a better place and he agreed. When we sat down, I told him why I was upset and apologized for the way what I said/did affected him. He basically went catatonic. Wouldn't look at me or speak but only to say he had nothing to say. Finally came out that he was refusing because I forced him into the conversation (?) and that my apology didn't count because I also said why I was upset. He then left for an errand, later texting me that he was sorry for making the situation worse. Which I responded positively to.
When he got back he seemed okay, he hugged me. I was ready to let it drop and it seemed he was too. Then, he said he didn't have much time before he'd have to leave for his hobby. I was surprised, as this was news to me. I told him I didn't know that and would have appreciated a heads up. He insisted he did tell me and that I said it wasn't a problem before, why is it now, essentially. I honestly remember him telling me this weekend was totally free. I also could really, really use a break or even just a few moments to relax. I'm a SAHM, so weekends when he's away a lot really blur into the week for me. He got very angry and said that I shouldn't put the burden on him because I need a break. He also said that everyone has bad days or weeks and that I shouldn't take it out on him or expect him to fix my problems for me and I should suck it up. This angered me as many of our past fights have been about his habit of taking his bad days out on me. Also, confused me as I don't know what I did to take it out on him.
He has since left. He refused to discuss it or help me understand why he was so mad. He actually tricked me he left. I actually wanted to get out of the house for a while and got in the car but he had the keys in his pocket so when I went to look for him to get them, he had left out another door, snuck to the car and left. Just felt childish and cruel.
Especially frustrating as that is currently our only car. DH had a car accident which totalled his car and he has been using mine. So for the last few weeks, I walk places or I don't go. And it really hasn't been a big problem but when I feel purposely stranded it bothers me.
What did I do that was so wrong? I'm having so much trouble seeing it and he won't tell me what I did, only that I've done it. How do I get him to talk to me or listen to me or care? I know he cares but he can be really good at acting like he doesn't. I don't know what to do.
get a hobby of your own. He doesn't care. I know that's not a solution but you'll actually feel so much better if you take up a hobby of your own. When my husband did that to me, I took up ninjitsu. Now that he's bored with his clubs and and bars he's unhappy about the classes I take 2 days a week. If he doesn't want to spend time with you then find a hobb you'll enjoy. That does not mean you should cheat. Posted via Mobile Device
His new hobby is a sports team? Is there a reason that practices and games can't be written on the calendar to avoid confusion?
Other than that, here's what I get from your post - though you may not like it....
It sounds like you've become a SAHM and several things have happened - he feels taken for granted and he is working his butt off for you and your family, and he wants to feel appreciated. However, you are wanting him to meet your needs, which isn't unreasonable to want, but if you do it without first showing him your appreciation in a way that matters to him, he's simply going to see it as another demand.
Expecting him to meet your needs might or might not be unreasonable. Do you have other people to talk to? Are you doing things that keep YOU interesting to him? If he comes home and you never have anything engaging to say or do, he won't feel engaged. You know what kinds of things interest him and what doesn't. Do yourself and your marriage a favor by making yourself get involved in his interests in some ways. Join that sports team. Go watch their practices and/or games. Figure out what makes him feel loved the most and then do it.
Thank you everyone for your responses. A lot to consider here. It's appreciated greatly.
Sabrina - This does seem to have become a pattern but I'm not sure exactly when it started, only that it seems to be repeating more.
River - Yes, I can now see how my behavior came across as needy. You have a point. I do, however, disagree that I misrepresented what I thought/felt at the time. He walked into the room, I assumed to find me so I asked if he wanted to watch TV. It wasn't a deliberate scheme to control or manipulate. When he said he wasn't done, I said OK, but the damage had been done. I realize my mistake was in assuming and I should have not said anything. As you said, if he wanted to spend time, he would.
Avesa - That is good advice. I do have hobbies that I enjoy doing but perhaps doing them more often would be a good idea. And no, I would not consider cheating as a new hobby. You may be right about him not caring. He has said that he is the only one who matters. I'd like to think he only said it in anger. Maybe that's naive.
Kathy - You make a good point about the scheduling issue. It has certainly been discussed. He seemed offended that I would need that so it hasn't happened. My schedule is usually flexible, so maybe he feels its not necessary.
He does work hard, he's great at his job. He gets recognized for his good work often and I couldn't be prouder. I try to make him feel like his effort and hard work is appreciated but I'm sure that's an area I could work on.
I do have other people to talk to, yes, quite frequently. I don't rely on him as a sole source of conversation for me. However, that is one of our strong points. Neither of us ever lack anything interesting to say or talk about. We very often read the same article during the day and can't wait to get the others take on it. We'll call each other up to "hey, you need to listen to the radio right now" when we know there is a topic one or both of us is interested in is being discussed. It can take us days to finish one TV show sometimes because it will spark a conversation instead.
We have many common interests. Really, this sports team, or this sport in general is one of the few areas where our interests diverge. I thought him having this thing all his own might be a good thing. There are certainly things of mine he has no interest in, but maybe that's not what he's feeling. Perhaps I should make an effort to become involved in this interest, but I'm wary to do so as he might think I'm trying to interject myself into something that is his.
Our son is almost 6. No, I don't think that would upset him.
Sex life has been pretty normal. No real changes in the relationship, just life in general. This is something that has been going on for years though, just with increased frequency as of late.
Ask him if you can come watch one of his games, and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and makes it clear he would prefer you not attend, then I think you need to find out just what is going on.
If he wants it to be "his" hobby and leave you out, then he's backing out of the relationship, for whatever reason. And, as I mentioned, this "hobby" may have a name. Either way, completely cutting you out of an interest that is taking up so much of his time indicates he is cutting you out of a great deal of his life.
Ask him if you can come watch one of his games, and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and makes it clear he would prefer you not attend, then I think you need to find out just what is going on.
If he wants it to be "his" hobby and leave you out, then he's backing out of the relationship, for whatever reason. And, as I mentioned, this "hobby" may have a name. Either way, completely cutting you out of an interest that is taking up so much of his time indicates he is cutting you out of a great deal of his life.
Kathy - You make a good point about the scheduling issue. It has certainly been discussed. He seemed offended that I would need that so it hasn't happened. My schedule is usually flexible, so maybe he feels its not necessary.
Everything else is scheduled so why not this? There should be no reason to be offended. The reason scheduling can work is so that you feel you are getting something and you have something to look forward to. Set aside (at least) one night a week for couple time and ask him to take you out at least once a month. Maybe go somewhere to watch the professional version of his hobby
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Feeling lost and helpless 
