Thewife

hi all,
We all get angry with someone or something or even with ourselves at times, but i feel like i m constantly angry with the same people for the same reason, why?

Sometimes, when they really say or do something i cant stand i cant control my anger, I end up screaming at them or i feel like hurting them or hurting myself. I dont do this to everyone only to 3 people (DH, MIL and my mom). Most of the time its my mom (because she stays with me) who suffers but she always says she understands what i m going thru and that she will stay on and help me until i get back on track. Gosh, i feel so terrible at times for scolding my own mum My mum is not very good at helping me with the babies or household work, so basically that causes the anger when she messes up my day......

I get mad with DH for putting me in this situation for the past 8 months and very very mad at MIL whenever she comes down to criticize me or say things that hurt me.

Now the reason why i post this thread is, I need some advise on how to control my anger and how to make it up to my mother for what she had to go thru with me during the past months. I love her but i hardly tell her that, I care for her but i hardly do anything nice for her (i simply have no time or energy to think).

Thanks in advance!

Chris H.

I made a lot of big changes in my life & attitude in my early 20's. I had a lot of anger directed towards loved ones at the time too. The thing that made a difference for me was to start accepting the people around me for who they were - realizing that they probably wouldn't change.

The only thing I could change was how I reacted to those people. At times, I had to "take a time out" and remove myself from situations that were getting heated in a particular relationship I was in. But the neat thing was, that when I started changing my reactions to those people in my life, they started to change to. Our entire relationships changed for the better. It was key in breaking the cycle or pattern that we were all stuck in.

By focusing on what I could do for others, and not so much what they were or weren't doing, it was like I started having a positive influence on them.

__________________

draconis

I agree with Chris H. kill them with kindness when you can't be civil or you can't take a time out. Sometimes people want to push buttons, just don't let them.

draconis

Chris H.

Boundaries were important for me as well. People in my life that were really unhealthy, I just had to stay away from or really limit my contact with. I can maintain healthy boundaries with unhealthy people and our relationships are fine. I've found what works for me, and today all of my relationships are pretty healthy and positive.

__________________

Thewife

Thanks a lot chris & draconis,
I do take time out when someone does or says something but I still need more practice to be consistent. With MIL and DH i m able to do time out more efficiently but with my mother i dont..........last night i thought about it seriously and have decided not to lose my cool anymore, hopefully i can adhere to it.

I'd like to be kind to those who are unkind to me but i realize that its not that easy..........to do that i must first learn to forgive and forget what they have done. So the first person whom i want to forgive is my DH. Well, it doesnt happen overnight i guess!

OK let me summerise the pointers so that i will remember better
1) Take time out
2) Kill them with kindness
3) Setting boundaries
4) Forgive and Forget

I'd like to add more to the list...................... please go ahead and add more tips if anyone has it!

draconis

I am sure we can add more. I think many others can too. In the mean time I hope you let us know how things are going. It is hard to change things overnight. You are a real inspiration.

draconis

atula

I know exactly how you feel because I go thru the samesituation a lot of times. And yes it is true thatthe anger is mostly on specific people because in general we do not like their attitude about certain things....
I especailly had a difficult time with my MIL because we were totally different. While my outlook is very broad and scientific...sh is too too superstitious and sometimes I felt ridiculous to talk about things to her which we would never agree upon.
THen I mend my outlook. I thought, I am not here to change her and she is not here to change me. I also thought of all the good things she does for me and with all my heart tried to love her as she is....It has worked really...Now I accept her way of life and she accepts mine. Whenever there are disagreements I try to remain firm and very very calm...If the thing I am saying is correct..I let her know the reason behind it and not just stress my point hat I am ms. Right.

ALso...if you really cant control the anger...start counting numbers! Yes it works...start counting 1 to 10 or in the reverse order as long as you can...you will see that although anger will not vanish it will subside and reasoning will come back...
Sometimes keeping mum rather than saying whatever there is in your mind at that angry moment also works wonders....
Hope this helps....

Thewife

atula,
Thanks for sharing, I can relate very well with what you have said as i myself have been in the situation many times. But i m yet to learn to let go and be calm.....will add your points

OK let me summerise the pointers so that i will remember better
1) Take time out
2) Kill them with kindness
3) Setting boundaries
4) Forgive and Forget
5) Count numbers
6) Keep mum (silent?)