snowday

I'm frustrated and I can't say anything and really don't know what to do.

Long story short last several years marriage has been failing. Husband may have had a porn addictionor possibly not. He went to meetings, had one per his admission, but now doesn't. End of story. Gets irritated if I ask questions, I guess i'm supposed to understand the sentence or two explanation?! I can't even begin to wrap my head around what exactly the issue is/was.

We saw a marriage therapist and it was hugely frustrating because compromise just isn't in his vocabulary. We spent 2 sessions haggling over the same issue before therapist stepped in and made him compromise. He often didn't follow through with things we'd agreed upon in sessions either.

So fast forward to now and he comes in a couple weeks ago from HIS therapy and says THEY (therapist/him) think I don't trust him and he wants to know what he can do to fix it. I don't know specifically what made them think this? He hasn't said, but I do know that part of his therapy is learning how to deal with me I'm not quite sure how I feel about that... I've done some therapy in the past and wasn't allowed to focus on the other problem people in my relationships, but made to focus on myself, lol! Which leads me to if you are focusing on the problem people in your life are you focusing on yourself? And doesn't this just lead to feeling more negatively towards the "problem people" in your life?

I feel like negativity is a huge issue. I'm trying to focus on staying out of the negativity and being positive. I'm also trying to focus on me and not being in his business. I think the biggest challenge for me at this point is not being sucked into the drama. I know that partly that change is causing tension with him because the normal cycle isn't being played out. Kind of stirring the pot and getting negative attention.

Anyway just frustrated I guess...he'll head back to therapist this week and tell him I was uncooperative in giving him feedback on trust and act as though he "tried."

Blanca

My H had this attitude for awhile, too. It really ticked me off. He wanted it to be so simple--that I should be able to tell him exactly what he needs to do. If I didn't give him the solution (never mind that I had told him a million times in the past) he thought I was playing games and he pulls the men vs. women; you know the one where men are all about trying to solve the problem and women only go in circles.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
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KathyBatesel

Are you sure he really is seeing a therapist? Perhaps you could offer to come in to a session every 4-6 weeks so the therapist can help you understand what you're having trouble hearing from him. I think what you said is generally true - therapists focus more on what you can do to change your own life - not to try to make others be more trusting!

My suspicion is that he's either not seeing a therapist, or that his therapist flunked his basic courses, or that your husband is twisting the sessions around in his mind between the time he has them and the time he talks to you about them. I lean toward that first scenario pretty heavily.

JohnCarter

^
This. Though I give each of these scenarios equal shot at being correct.

I also think that it sounds like he's not really ready to make much change yet. Motivational Interviewing is probably what he needs from a therapist at this point, if he is going (and he may be). Sometimes therapy is actually about figuring out what a person wants to change, if anything.

snowday

He is definitely going to therapy, we get the statements from it all the time. The other theories do shed some light though...he definitely has trouble "understanding" what people are saying, as in if you say something to him he gets it totally wrong. A friend has mentioned this to me, that we all can be talking about something and he totally missed the point and is talking about something else. Sounds bizarre, but it happens all.the.time!

Ugh, and he's in like year 3 of therapy so not being ready to make changes....heaven help me! I think you may definitely be right, but it doesn't lead to the idea that he'll ever make them if it's not happening now.

Any chance someone can give me some info or explain what "motivational interviewing" is?

WillK

He wants to know how to regain your trust? This is another one of those scenarios that reminds me of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar:

Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, *******!

That should be a question his therapist can answer.

Don't be too hard on him though, maybe it's at least a sign that he realizes you don't trust him and it's a problem that needs to be fixed. It's a first step. Sounds like he might not have it figured out yet that he's the one that needs to fix it and it's not right to expect you to fix it.