General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I am really trying to gauge how normal my arguments with hubby are. I find myself so frustrated and angry at the end. I wonder are we normal and if there is a time when all of this will balance out and we will no longer argue as much.
What have or do you and your spouse argue over? If you don't mind sharing what was your biggest argument over?
Our biggest fights are often when I want affection and attention, and anything, (EVERYTHING) gets more attention than I do. His phone, his books, a candy bar wrapper - all scrutinized and studied with absurd concentration.
Me? I utter a comment, make a joke, suggest a plan... He doesn't look at me, and barely acknowledges me. It drives me effing bonkers!!!
So, initially, I'm feeling left out and ignored... But when I ask him for his time and attention, his RESPONSES drive me over the edge. "Stop being so insecure" OR he'll roll his eyes, trivialize my requests, (my needs) and well... All hell will break loose.
I realize I'm co-dependent, and now trying to work on my "triggers" and not take his passive-aggressiveness so personally.
But those are how our biggest and worst fights come about... Posted via Mobile Device
So I am really trying to gauge how normal my arguments with hubby are. I find myself so frustrated and angry at the end. I wonder are we normal and if there is a time when all of this will balance out and we will no longer argue as much.
What have or do you and your spouse argue over? If you don't mind sharing what was your biggest argument over?
My H triggers anytime I disagree with him. Whether it be child rearing, decorating, money, household chores. It all ends up the same, he does more than I do and for some reason when he looks after the kids, it's somehow always harder than when I do it.
H was neglected and abused as a child and we have a long ways to go. Fights turn into screaming at me, saying he is moving out, I get called cold-hearted and sneaky and things blow over in a few days to a week and a little more damage is done each time. Posted via Mobile Device
We rarely argue these days, did more so in the early years especially when the kids were little and everything felt as though it was stretched...money, time, energy etc.
Biggest fight ever was what brought me here.. lies mainly about money and debt. We/I argued for a few months until I started to move on. Still working on it though. You just don't fix these things over night... do you?
Yin mentioned triggers... they are the worst... sometimes this place is a blessing...sometimes it feels like a minefield of triggers.
It was in the beginning of "us". He was always at his ex's beck and call because she had "issues". Funny how her issues always happened on our dates. So one night, he calls and says, "I don't think i can hang out tonight...something came up." I said, "I will not be usurped by your ex. (ooh big word!) If you want to be with me, you cannot be your ex's knight in shining armour. She can make friends. This is not healthy. I value my time and now my night is shot."
He got upset and I told him, calmly, that i was not to be 2nd choice. I was 31 and grown and mature enough to see that he wasn't ready for any kind of real relationship. If he wanted to go save people, that was fine, but i wasn't going to wait around. I was calm, but heated!!! He was trying to explain that he wasn't choosing her over me, blah blah blah, and I politely told him where to stick his delusions.
We didn't talk for 4 days. Then he showed up one evening, unannounced (thank god I looked good!) and said, "Ok, I'm ready."
While it wasn't a big argument, it was a very poignant moment in our relationship. I set a boundary and he never crossed it after that.
We don't really argue. We just don't. We both grew up with fighting parents and we swore we'd never do that. If something is heated, we'll take a break and write it out or talk about it calmly to resolve the issue after we've calmed down. But that doesn't happen often. I'm old. I like a drama-free life. I do not control him, he doesn't control me. I something gets effed up by one of us, oh well, it was a mistake. Apologize and fix it. Don't fight over it. Life is a learning path. No sense in getting angry about things.
In relationships I've had that didn't work out, triggers could be anything big or small. The one "universal" truth was that over time, the arguing would become more intense until something (like a breakup) intervened.
John Gottman has a wonderful description of how some couples who argue a lot can be healthy, and some aren't. Some people can actually argue without hostility.
The difference between those who are basically happy, even after years, is their ability to deliver at least 5 positive messages for every negative one, according to his many years of research. His findings seem to resonate for my own relationships.
My husband and I rarely fight. We've had a number of calm disagreements. There have been three that weren't calm in the last two and a half years. All three of them were over within half an hour and all of them were about really dumb stuff.
We are either talking about mundane, everday things (kids, whats for lunch/dinner, what show do you want to watch tonight) or we are arguing because we have different view points (meaning, my view is different than his and he has to try to convince me to think like him).
Our argueing is what has brought us to the point of calling it quits. we got divorced and didn't even split up ( that always takes people awhile to comprehend), but through the years we both have done and made some pretty big mistakes and now it can be over the stupidest **** , at times after a "global thermal nuclear war" arguement i cant even recall what it started over, we have come to hold and use our mistakes and the things we trusted only telling each other of, against one another, we bring up things we know the other feels bad or insecure about, friends and family say we dont belong together, we have even been referred to by some as 'sid and nancy" ( if anyone knows who that is) We have no idea how to stop and it is killing what is a true and epic love. what ever you argue over, never go over that line, or below the belt, because once you do, it becomes easier and easier, and it costs both of you more than anything you were arguing about to begin with. One of the reasons im on here.... would love any advice, or tools that would help me save my soulmate, and best friend
Being ignored, patronized, micromanaged, supervised and shushed generally. If you're going to take a deep breath and start screaming at literally every word that comes out my mouth, don't ask for my 'help' or contribution in any way.
As another said on here, we dont argue. We have calm heated discussions! almost almost started by me, almost always ended by him making me laugh. I cant keep my face straight when trying to tell him off..when im REALLY mad..he pulls out the big guns..thinks up a song relating to the topic in Question then starts to sing it and dance.
He does listen though, and always end up discussing what started it. The only one i can think off that really didnt go well was when he had sat in the living room all day when he was off work, watching TV from underneath the ironing board rather than put it away. I came home, got mad, and shoved it..it hit his speaker ( he makes his own, and he is talented, this set were his pride and joy ) That didnt go to well for me!
And yesterday he just went overboard, we were gardening and I put 2 slugs in his trainer because he was being lazy, he responded by pinning me down and shoving a variety of garden debris down my top then the contents of the watering can on my head. I didnt speak to him for half an hour! Thatll teach him...FYI. We are both 30
Our biggest arguments ....were a combination of my biggest fears coupled with the best thing that ever happened in our marraige to bring us even more intimately close . It was always good, but it got even better, we climbed to new heights.
I would say I caused a decent amount of "grief" (though he was enjoying the hell of this so long as I wasn't mad )....when I was questioning if he still desired me. My sex drive went through the freaking roof.... he couldn't keep up, this was a shocker to me!! ...never had that happen before!!!
I sent him to the Encron & learned his test levels are on the low side ...but still normal....she told us he may need Test therapy as his levels at 45 was like a man in his 60's...those comments played on my mind relentlessly ....thinking he is all washed up......I'm screwed (or wouldn't be getting screwed).... I knew Test is the lust hormone by reading a bunch of books... this wasn't helping me at all ....I was feeling like ...it's only going to go downhill from here....he can't help it....and here I am feeling like I just discovered WILD uninhibited sex for the 1st time in our lives....
.... I wanted him to be more lustfully aggressive with me in the worst way...and I would get annoyed with him caues he is just not like that...he is a pure through & through "Making love" man.
Thank God he welcomed this change in me ....(minus my argumentive moments)....he would keep telling me he desired me but I have a thick skull sometimes. Plus I learned just how much he LIKES ME being aggressive ....this fires his jets.....(so long as I wasn't brow beating him)......or he would have likely thrown me out of the house.
We got through it...and all for the better, we communicated every step of the way, rawfully even. We can laugh about it now... accually we did all the way through it, which was kinda sweet. We both wanted the same things.... I was just allowing Fears of the future to drag me places I had no business going.
Our biggest arguments were originally about miscommunication in the beginning. Someone either miscommunicating something to the other or misunderstanding something the other said.
Later it was responsibility in the marriage, mostly her frustration of my complete lack of budgeting skills or any kind of willpower when it came to impulse buys.
Currently, our most common arguments is how to handle our kids' misbehavior and our growing disagreement about parenting skills in general.
The most useful tool I've found in preventing arguments from escalating into something really nasty is calling a timeout. I know it's really difficult to recognize when you're losing control in the heat of the moment, but once I'd mastered it, it was much easier to control the disagreement. I'm not nearly as good at arguing as my wife the debate champion, so when I find myself getting angry to the point of losing control, I politely tell my wife that I have to cool off, and I go into a different room. It helps me to gather my thoughts. When I do this, it infuriates my wife, but I can't do anything about that. I can only control how my behavior in an ugly situation.
Our biggest argument ever-I asked him if he was having an affair with a girl at work- he categorically denied it. I knew better. He went ballistic. That, above all else, told me that I was right.
A lot of arguing, later you don't know what it was about or why it was worth arguing about at all.
The funny thing is the closest I ever came to losing her, we didn't have heated arguements at all. All I did was try to win her back, and when I got frustrated over it not going as well as I hoped, I just kept at it.
I'm sure it took as much effort and determination as it did because of all the years of having heated arguements that weren't worth it at all.
So are heated arguements normal? Yeah probably. Necessary? Probably not.
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Your Biggest Argument Ever... 
Re: Your Biggest Argument Ever... 
So one night, he calls and says, "I don't think i can hang out tonight...something came up." I said, "I will not be usurped by your ex. (ooh big word!) If you want to be with me, you cannot be your ex's knight in shining armour. She can make friends. This is not healthy. I value my time and now my night is shot."
He was trying to explain that he wasn't choosing her over me, blah blah blah, and I politely told him where to stick his delusions. 
...never had that happen before!!!
