05-21-2012, 08:20 AM
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Rochester, MN
| | Changing Patterns
The past four weeks in MC have been so enlightening. I am almost at a point where I can objectively look at how we have gotten to where we are and what I have to do on my part to make a change. How we got to where we are:
- Different love languages; mine of physical touch, hers of acts of service
- Me HD, her LD (although not always that way)
- Me – direct/blunt/often insensitive, her – passive / aggressive, stewer
- Me – introvert, her – extrovert
- Me – fear of abandonment, her – fear of engulfment.
- Both - super-competitive and stubborn.
The ****tail of these variables has resulted in a huge wall of resentment she has towards me. I, on the other hand, feel so rejected, unloved and not desired. This is our vicious circle now of me pursuing, her avoiding, me acting out, her retreating. We are at totally opposite ends of a spectrum. I desperately want her physical attention and she (in her own words) gets physiologically ill by the thought of sex.
This morning, without initially recognizing it, I was a bit resentful (no sex for two weeks now). As I got ready for work, I had all my personal hygiene items strewn over the bathroom counter. A thought briefly popped into my head – leave them all out, smear toothpaste in the sink and counter – that will show her ! Thankfully, I caught myself and put all away.
She also made a small step this weekend – she actually called me, asked where I was and asked me to come home to help her do something – she is trying.
So, we are making baby steps. But, it is so hard. On my part, I need to continue to have discipline to:
- Give her space;
- Do my best not to say ILY;
- Do my best to not ask/pursue affection or sex;
- Pursue hobbies / friends outside of our relationship;
- Be kind, patient, and receptive to meeting her needs.
With time and patience, I HAVE TO TRUST a good outcome will come from this. God, it is hard.
And, god, do I miss being desired by a woman who is physically charged by my touch. It sucks so much – unfortunately, it is who I am.
Any words of wisdom?